Do you
remember the first time you had sex with a guy? The experience of losing my
virginity was far from a magical moment. In fact, it was actually quite
painful.
I was 18 and
living in NYC. I met the guy on a phone dating chat line while using the
20-minute free trial. I listened to several ads and then heard a male voice
that aroused me and raised my curiosity to the point of finally taking action.
I hailed a cab and traveled from the Upper West Side to The Village and walked
into a humble but lofty apartment and was immediately led to the back patio
where my host and I got in the hot tub.
After enjoying
the hot water, I was pulled to his bed and bottomed for the largest dick I had
ever seen and did so for not only one round, but two. It was the most
physically painful yet exciting experience I had ever had sexually. And I
didn’t even know his name.
No part of the
abstinence-only sex “education” I received in high school proved to be
beneficial. I didn’t ask for a condom. I didn’t even know that I should ask for
one. Some may call my behavior risky, but it didn’t feel risky to me at the
time. It was exciting, scary, and the start of my sexual freedom. At the time,
not one of those feelings added up to “risky” in my mind.
I did not
self-identify as gay until 7 years after that first uneasy sexual experience.
Yet, 7 years did not really seem that long in my mind. I am from the South and
hiding my sexuality from others—making me not accept it myself—seemed like my
only choice was typical of gay men my age and older. I feared being judged
because of my sexuality, and losing my place in the only world I’d ever known.
From the night
I lost my virginity in New York City at the age of 18, through the dozens of
early sexual experiences I had with men and women in the years after it, I
rarely relied on condoms. Looking back, it is crazy to me that I did not get
diagnosed with an STI or HIV during that time. I got lucky, I guess. At least
for a time.
I was exposed
to HIV unknowingly on December 18, 2011, during a one-night stand. He and
I met on the patio of Play Dancebar in Nashville. A sexy muscular guy, he was
new to town. When we got to my place, we started out on the right track–he actually
put on a condom. But it hurt. And we didn’t have enough lube. His stamina was
failing because he was rather tipsy from the drinks we had at the club. So we
pulled his condom off but only continued for under 5 minutes until a friend
knocked on my condo door—ending the one-night stand with a thud. I didn’t
really think much about the experience until January 2, 2012, the day I got
sick with initial HIV flu-like symptoms.
I was
diagnosed on January 24, 2012. I never thought it would happen to me. But it
did. That is the reason that I started writing and making videos that I share
on my blog, I’mStillJosh, and on
social media. I did not know at the time, but I was stepping into full-blown
HIV activism by simply sharing my journey and by my determination to encourage
others newly diagnosed to keep living fully and talking prevention to help
others stay negative, avoiding the ignorant risks I had taken for much of my
youth. This was my new life, and it was a meaningful one. I didn’t come out
into a world with the knowledge I needed, and I was determined to make sure
others were better prepared.
Here are the
things that I wish that I knew about HIV before even coming out of the closet
about my sexuality.
1. New people
are diagnosed with HIV every day
According to UNAIDS in 2017, there were approximately 5,000 new HIV infections
per day worldwide. And young people, people of color, and gay/bisexual men were
the most likely to seroconvert.
I didn’t know
this fact when I first had sex. Would it have helped me make a better decision
about having condom-less sex with that stranger in NYC and then others? It’s
hard to know for sure, but better education about HIV certainly wouldn’t have
hurt.
2. There are
prevention methods that work
I never viewed condoms as particularly sexy. I learned about the importance and
benefit of using condoms only after losing my virginity. Again, I received
abstinence-only sexual education in high school. Although I knew what a condom
was prior to having sex the first time, I had not received the sexual health
training explaining how to ask my partners to use the prevention method. I was
also too embarrassed to go shopping for them.
Today we also
have pre-exposure prophylaxis or PrEP. You take a pill every day, and if you
are exposed to HIV, there is a 99% chance that you stay negative according to
Nurx, an online retailer for the prevention method. PrEP may not be suitable or
right for everybody, but it is a highly effective method for those that use it
to prevent HIV. Combining Prep and condoms pretty much eliminates the risk of
HIV and STIs.
3. Having sex
with someone undetectable should not be feared or avoided
I had always been terrified of HIV and anyone who was living with HIV before I
received my own diagnosis. I’ll be the first to admit that I carelessly used
the block button when I encountered someone living with HIV in a hookup or
dating situation yet I was also willing to take big risks when I didn’t know a
person’s status. That’s the illogic that terror and ignorance and stigma
causes.
The reality is
that someone living with HIV who has an undetectable viral load is not capable
of transmitting HIV. This scientific fact is known as U=U, undetectable equals
untransmittable. In other words, it’s often far safer to have sex with a
positive person than someone who doesn’t know his status.
Not allowing
fear of HIV to navigate the selection of partners based on years of
stigmatizing misinformation is something that will help anyone just starting to
make decisions around sex.
4. HIV stigma
still exists, so be the generation that changes it
HIV stigma still exists in 2019 and its effects on the lives of people living
with the virus. But it doesn’t have to be that way. As Millennials, we need to
see be the first generation of gay men to defy our history of stigmatizing each
other because of HIV.
5. My HIV
diagnosis wasn’t the end of the world, but let’s do our best to make sure
you don’t have to find that out on your own
I received my HIV diagnosis on January 24, 2012. It was the realization of my
biggest fear as a guy man—HIV. It was a rough diagnosis, but it wasn’t the end
of the world or even the end of my own life. In fact, it was just the start of
a great life living as an out and positive gay man.
An HIV
diagnosis is not what I envisioned for my life, but it is a circumstance that I
found myself in. I don’t have any clichés that make help make sense of it—like
‘when life hands you a lemon, make lemonade.’
But seriously,
gay men who are just starting to have sex might find it beneficial to know that
life can continue even if their worst fear—being diagnosed with HIV—happens.
But if you are
negative, let’s work together to make sure that it doesn’t come to that.
SOURCE: QUEERTY
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