I AM...

I am whatever YOU think I am until YOU get to KNOW me. This is true for everyone else too, of course.. so don't make assumptions about anyone or pass judgment; ask questions. You might just make a new friend.


Friday, June 30, 2006


Our perception of the traits and characteristics that make us who we are is often tightly intertwined with how we live our life. We define ourselves in terms of the roles we adopt, our actions and inactions, our triumphs, and what we think are failures. As a result it is easy to identify so strongly with a decision that has resulted in unexpected negative consequences that we actually become that "WRONG" decision.

I have a serious problem with my ‘FRIENDS’ just F**KING the F**K out of each other. I know that it has nothing to do with me but, still it bothers me. I believe that it has to do with the inability of my ‘FRIENDS’ to love themselves. Does this misguided notion keep us from building a better community? HELL YES! If this notion continues, they will continue to get what they have; which is nothing…In other words, attracting the characteristic manifested within.

So I propose they need to learn to love ourselves, examine their thought process. Become aware of that SPIRITUAL BEING OF SELF-LOVE. I feel that they are so lazy, so unmotivated to find a MAN out there; it’s like they are afraid of facing themselves or that makes it real…GUESS WHAT, U R A HOMOSEXUAL and your home turf won’t save you. Don’t be afraid of venturing beyond your circle, life is bigger than this rock we live on so imagine your circle of friends…It is our diversity that makes us the most powerful and feared people on this planet. Don’t they realize that they have what the world wants?

I know that most of us, myself include yearn for sexual healing. I honestly feel that they are not body & soul conscious and have depleted energy levels and a diminished sense of aliveness in the heart region. Because of the fragmented energy disbursement in the body, sexual motivation usually has more to do with feelings like neediness, escape, and proving one’s self-worth, than with pure pleasure and the normal desire for interconnectedness. I feel that they are frozen in darkness seeking the nearest light, only creating more darkness; becoming frustrated at a perceived inability to negotiate these complexities. They are just repeating an unfulfilled pattern again and again.

It is important to believe that when two human beings share each other’s energy, they simply ask themselves: What motives do I bring to my sexuality? What do I want from the sexual aspect of my nature? How this experience does transcends me to a more profound healing and enriching existence? Contrary to what some believe about sexuality, we need to learn that healthy loving expression includes the expression of our more shadowy desires as well as tenderness. True and spiritual lovemaking is a holistic experience, interweaving our higher and our shadow selves-how beautiful and so very intimate to do so with open hearts.

Thursday, June 29, 2006

JUS 2 SAY...

There you were,
A saint, a demon…
The great deceiver,
Selling very dear to me the things you seem-to-give.
Every picture means the same one meaning…
…Neither more nor less.
I am in the sun born over and over,
My sea has not learned rest . . .
The world around me goes dark.
My life filled with an uneasy intent…
All because of your torment
Still at the Egg-life…
Resisting the shell,
Till you troubled the Ellipse.
Taking my hand lead me blindly…
…To a place that gave me nothing
And cut like a knife
You poured your stones over me
Held me in place
And waited by the clock…
…Watching the spirit leave my face
You are so empty,
So hollow inside
With only wisps of air leaving
The breath of your pride...
…Never leaving me
So consistent was this nightmare,
Showing me how much you really care.
And nothing I cared for seem to matter,
The art of losing you isn’t hard to master….
…To be lost to you is no disaster.
So as time allows,
And life just lingers…
I will remember…
You, my fri-enemy!

Wednesday, June 28, 2006


I have come to this place knowing that IN &; OUT time, I am revered as GOD! It's a bit of a sore subject right now. You see, I have these high, high ideals of how I should live. I know that I cannot be seen with the human eye, my power is within YOU! I KNOW THAT I AM ALWAYS MY 'GOD-SELF' I AM NOT, I REPEAT NOT 'GOD'...BUT...I can't help that I am life's enriching endings; a prelude to new beginnings. Please hate me because I am wondering yet all-knowing. Filled with the innocence of a child before wounds and shadows SHATTERED the ILLUSION. Let the mystery be revealed that you may find anew that which has been with ME from the beginning. I want you to bathe in MY knowledge, allow yourself to learn and be healed as I pass my wisdom. Watch how in love's perfection & heartfelt faith how I will lift my lantern of light and guide your path. I will navigate the tempest as i blind the dim and misguided; tipping scales of inhumanity. Achieving balance in YOUR in its perfect form. So peel away the layers, YOU will see that I am constantly shedding the crust of my energy. Occasionally pausing…cocooning; expanding to my full potential, seeking that rising tide. Watch as I plunge into the deep…Emerging renewed, refreshed, and ready to take on the world! I am the energetic tuning fork! The microcosm of the universe I work best when in harmony heart n’ soul. Flowing against the current never struggling to swim against the archetypal I am guided by the source of universal abundance. This is by no means an absolution…I am in my own world fighting time looking through the mirror...PLEASE DON'T FUCK WITH ME, I CAN'T HELP IT THAT GOD SLUMBERS IN ME! I DON'T FORGIVE EASILY...My time on earth is oppressed limited to the demons I am among. My bones will still beat drums for all to dance the phoenix will still rise from the ashes with hope in my womb. I AM A 'GOD,' the legend where 'SHADE' is a shadow you walk in to avoid the light If you waste your time trying to be a false prophet robed in attitude and ignorance you will fail to recognize my divinity… I exist in the place that represents purity I will not do battle to your rhythms and beats, YOU WANT REALNESS. . . LOOK @ ME! I AM NOT 'GOD' FUCK YOU 4 TRYING TO MAKE ME ONE...U KNOW WHO U R!

Tuesday, June 27, 2006


A GRUDGE IS A HEAVY THING 2 CARRY…I started my new job about a month ago and through various chain of events I found myself working somewhere that wasn’t’ going to offer me the professionalism that I seek. My first day on the job I met the lady that was going to train me, show me the ropes. She was rude, bossy, haphazard and a gossip monger making me uneasy from the get go. She didn't get along with anyone on staff never realizing how under-handed she was. After the first week I was given the keys to the safe and placed on my own, not that I am not a quick learner or can’t comprehend things quickly, it’s just that I am not thrilled about being thrown to the wolves. THAT IS WHEN THE SH*T REALLY HIT THE FAN. It was a Friday my boss came to me asked me if I was going to work late because certain things weren’t up to date. I thought to myself I was told that I had another week to become current and I was using that as my guide, so imagine my surprise when my co-worker that was training me told me that I needed to be current so she can become current. I was so blind-sighted it was crazy. I thought okay, what should I do? I made a decision said that I was going to bring this to a boiling point and I did. She told me that I have to come to work on Saturday which I didn’t so naturally my boss got upset and was fuming. I then informed him that I wasn’t told that what I do has an effect on my co-worker’s functions. He then called her in the office and I repeat exactly what I said to him…BAM! There it was she seemed like a deer caught in the head lights, my insides smiled because I finally called someone on the SH*TS they do on the job especially when it comes to a new person on the payroll. She didn’t have an explanation for what was going on and then I realized that she was trying to sabotage my job and if I didn’t say anything about it she would have succeeded. I confronted my co-worker and the sabotage stopped. She never questioned or denied the accusations. The whole situation was very weird. I know if I had been accused of what she was being accused of, I would have had some questions. She didn't ask one, and didn't seem the least bit phased. I felt very awkward and uncomfortable with the whole situation and I wasn't the one in the hot seat. Minutes after the confrontation, she was laughing and joking like nothing had happened. I would have been either in tears or very irate. I also know that that may have been her way of dealing with things. Although she is incredibly competitive, jealous and controlling, she is also very insecure. I have always taken this into consideration and tried to over look her faults and work with them. After all, we do have to work together in the same office and I try to keep a pleasant working environment as not to make things harder then they need be. We need to be able to accept each others idiosyncrasies and work with what we have. Or at least I thought...I don't understand people sometimes. Blatant disregard for others and lies mystify me. Although I am aware that this may come easy to some, I still find it disappointing. I felt the need to vent and to get this off of my chest. This is one of the biggest challenges I have had to face on the job field and I am definitely open to advice. Some how I have faith that things will turn out the way they should. We all get what is coming to us in the end. SADLY…

Monday, June 26, 2006


Who are you? Why are you here? What are your beliefs about life? For thousands of years, finding the answers to these questions has meant going within. But what does that mean? I believe there is a POWER within each of us that can lovingly direct us to our perfect health, perfect relationships, perfect careers, and which can bring us prosperity of every kind. In order to have these things, we have to believe first that they are possible. Next, we must be willing to release the patterns in our lives that are creating conditions we say we do not want. We do this by going within and tapping the Inner POWER that already knows what is best for us. If we are willing to turn our lives over to this greater POWER within us, the POWER that loves and sustains us, we can create more loving and prosperous lives. I believe that our minds are always connected to the One Infinite Mind, and therefore, all knowledge and wisdom is available to us at any time. We are connected to this Infinite Mind, this Universal POWER that created us, through that spark of light within, our Higher Self, or the POWER within. The Universal POWER loves all of Its creations. It is a POWER for good and It directs everything in our lives. It doesn't know how to hate or lie or punish. It is pure love, freedom, understanding, and compassion. It is important to turn our lives over to our Higher Self, because through It we receive our good. We must understand that we have the choice to use this POWER in any way. If we choose to live in the past and re-hash all of the negative situations and conditions that went on way back when, then we stay stuck where we are. If we make a conscious decision not to be victims of the past and go about creating new lives for ourselves, we are supported by this POWER within, and new, happier experiences begin to unfold. I don't believe in two powers. I think there is One Infinite Spirit. It's all too easy to say, "It's the devil," or them. It really is only us, and either we use the power we have wisely or we misuse the power. Do we have the devil in our hearts? Do we condemn others for being different than we are? What are we choosing?

Sunday, June 25, 2006


Most of us begin our days with a continuous list of things we need to do to keep our lives running smoothly, but we rarely take time to note all the things we don't need to do. For example, we don't need to figure out how to breathe. We don't need to find a way to make sure the earth continues to revolve around the sun. We don't need to concentrate to ensure that our heart beats and our cells regenerate. All of these things, and many more, take care of themselves without our having to think or do anything at all. This is the miracle of life on earth. When you wake up tomorrow, take time to notice how many things are running smoothly, how many small miracles compose your day. If you wear glasses or contact lenses, as you put them on, take a moment to appreciate the fact that without them, you would be unable to see. Your life would be entirely different if someone hadn't invented corrective lenses. As you take in your world, you might feel a moment of gratitude for the basic fact that, once again, the sun has risen to illuminate the abundant earth, and the earth's gravitational field holds you and all that you hold dear in a tight, life-affirming embrace.

Saturday, June 24, 2006


Pain is a fact of being and one that permeates all of our lives to some degree. Since the hurt we feel may be a part of the experiences that have touched us most deeply, we are often loathe to let it go. It is frequently easier to keep our pain at our sides, where it acts as a shield that shelters us from others and gives us an identity-that of victim-from which we can draw bitter strength. However, pain's universality can also empower us to use our hurt to help others heal. Since no pain is any greater or more profound than any other, what you feel can give you the ability to help bring about the recovery of individuals whose hurts are both similar to and vastly different from your own. You can channel your pain into transformative and healing love that aids you in helping individuals on a one-to-one basis and spreading a tide of curative energy throughout the world.The capacity to heal others evolves naturally within those who are ready to disassociate themselves from their identity as victims. In fact, the simple decision to put aside the pain we have carried is what grants us the strength to redeem that pain through service. There are many ways to use the hurt you feel to help others. Your pain gives you a unique insight into the minds of people who have experienced trauma and heartache. You can draw from the wellspring of strength that allowed you to emerge on the other side of a painful experience and pass that strength to individuals still suffering from their wounds. You maybe able to council individuals in need by showing them the coping methods that have helped you survive or simply by offering sympathy. A kinship can develop that allows you to relate more closely with those you are trying to aid and comfort. Helping others can be a restorative experience that makes your own heart grow stronger. In channeling your pain into compassionate service and watching others successfully recover, you may feel a sense of euphoria that leads to increased feelings of self-worth and optimism. Your courageous decision to reach out to others can be the best way to declare to yourself and the world that your pain didn't defeat you, and in fact it helped you heal.

Friday, June 23, 2006


Are we GAY MEN better suited for sex as apposed to having long term relationships? I have been single for a while and I have met a few guys and I have found out that having sex is easier than guys wanting something more, such as a LONG-TERM RELATIONSHIP. In making this observation, I don't think that I am running with the wrong crowd or that I am looking in all the wrong places! I have met guys that say that they want a long term relationship and don't act like they want a long term relationship. This makes me wonder if we are relationship oriented. I MYSELF DON'T BELIEVE THIS EVEN THOUGH I HAVE SEX WITHOUT STRINGS ATTACH. I say I am waiting for that person and while I wait I don’t see a reason why I shouldn’t get with a guy if we have chemistry…Are we more prone to "GETTIN' THAT NUTT" than building a life together? Is there anything wrong with not wanting a relationship and just wanting sex? I find it very interesting that a man I meet is more willing to have me F**K him, rather than wait for the whole nine yards. But on the flip-side just sex eliminates those GAY MEN that are down on their luck, just need a helping hand, willing to move in tomorrow, has no place to call "their own place". Most times it’s the young ones that are looking for a "SUGAR DADDY" not a "LIFE PARTNER" or "SIGNIFICANT OTHER."These days especially, the reality is that there are more ways to connect sexually without commitment than ever before. The internet has opened the flood gates of options. The thing is that if one is looking for a long-term relationship BGC, A4A or X-CLUSIVITY honestly aren’t the places to look, these sites perpetuate the fantasy of many and opens up our sexual appetite for that ASS SLAP AGAINST SOME BALLS. Yes, there are some sincere people on there, but not many. I think if you're truly looking for LTR the internet is just not the place to look. I feel that we are using the wrong key all caught in this cycle in our search for love, yes I said love because whether we admit it or not we are looking for love. DO YOU KNOW WHAT THE GAY COMMUNITY STARTS LOOKING LIKE WHEN WE START MOVING WITH AN UNDERSTANDING THAT WE ARE A SUBLIME "BEING OF LIGHT?" Instead we live the way those that are not apart of our community say we do.How about just for the F**K of it we seek a MAN, not just any man ‘THE MAN’. The one you see forever in his eyes; watch the sun rise in them, leave a longing impression on your soul. Love to realize that in the chambers of my heart, you behold the extremity of "beauty" protecting the one he so loved…be touched with tenderness; filled your cups with love. I encourage you to go on that journey; that quest to find a conscious man, which one God has selected for you. Have your breath taken away; achieve that spiritual connection, live in the light of love with your soul mate. LIVE WHILE YOU ARE ALIVE! STIMULATE YOUR YOUR ENTIRE BEING...I WANT US TO ALLOW OUR HEARTS TO FEEL ALL IT CAN FEEL. SEX IS GREAT BUT LOVE TOO INTANGIBLE TO DIMISS…
***LOVE IS REAL! ***

Wednesday, June 21, 2006


One of the keys to being successful in anything you do is persistence. Once you have determined exactly what it is you want to accomplish, you must take massive action on a consistent, persistent basis in order to succeed. Think of it like building a muscle. If you have never weight trained before, the first time you walk into a gym, chances are you will not be able to bench press 250 lbs. However, if you are persistent, and you consistently go back to the gym, you will find yourself getting stronger and closer to your goal with each and every visit. One of the things you'll notice on your journey towards your goal, are roadblocks. That is, you will encounter obstacles that seem to jump out of nowhere in an attempt to halt your progress. Count on these obstacles. They are a part of life. Everyone would have every success they ever wanted if there were no obstacles. Your job is to be persistent and work through those obstacles. If you find little or no obstacles along the way, chances are you are not really challenging yourself. And when you do reach your goal, you won't experience the feeling of 'sweet success'. Make your goal a challenging one! 2DAY IS THE DAY 2 BEGIN Y'R JOURNEY, USING CONSISTENCY & PERSISTENCY, TOWARDS 2MORROW'S SUCCESSES!

Tuesday, June 20, 2006


If you begin to feel angry or frustrated, picture a cool wave rolling over you. Let it soothe you and take you down a level emotionally. It is not to your benefit in any way to allow the actions of other people to get you into an emotional state where you will say and do things that you will later regret. If you look back, you will see that you are proudest of yourself when you kept calm, when you handled difficulties with equanimity, when you were able to be the calm eye in the storm. This is a worthy goal. Think of the people you admire. Are they the people who are flying off the handle, always overreacting emotionally? Or are they the people who are able to step back and take a longer view, able to see things from the wider perspective, able to realize that this one little annoyance is not nearly as important as the longer objective. And so, today, keep your longer objective in sight and let the little things go. Let the little annoyances just roll off your back. Calm yourself with a cool calm wave, washing away petty annoyances, washing away anger, frustration. Be cool, be calm, be deeply composed. And realize, too, that much of what upsets you stems from a fear of being thought of as insignificant. When people speak to you in a certain tone of voice, when you are overlooked, when people pay more attention to their own concerns than yours, when you are ignored, when little care is given to how you and your requests are treated, a part of you rises up and says: I am important. And this then leads to your anger and frustration. Yes, you are important, you are deeply important. But the way to feel and express that importance is to go deeply inside to your own core of peace, find your calmness there, then reach up into your higher self and feel your shining presence of love, and then reach up even further and feel your connection to all that is, your connection deep and wide to the heart of the universe, the godhead, the all. Feel it, know it. And know that you are vitally important as a part of all that is. And know also, that you are one with all else, including that person who is irritating you so. You are one and the same, pieces of the same puzzle, motes of light from the same shining source. So just take a deep breath, let the wave of calm go over you, then reach down for peace and up for connection, fill your heart with love and compassion, take another deep breath and be the connection that you are.

Monday, June 19, 2006


If you find yourself in love with someone who does not love you, be gentle with yourself. There is nothing wrong with you. Love just didn't choose to rest in the other person's heart. If you find someone else in love with you and you don't love him, feel honored that love came and called at your door, but gently refuse the gift you cannot return. Do not take advantage, do not cause pain. How you deal with love is how love will deal with you, and all our hearts feel the same pains and joys, even though our lives and ways are different. If you fall in love with another, and he falls in love with you, and then love chooses to leave, do not try to reclaim it or assign blame, let it go. There is a reason and there is a meaning. You will know in time. Remember that you don't choose love. Love chooses you. All you can really do is accept it for all its mystery when it comes into your life. Feel the way it fills you to overflowing, then reach out and give it away. Give it back to the person who brought it alive in you. Give it to others who deem it poor in spirit. Give it to the world around you in any way you can. This is where many lovers go wrong. Having been so long without love, they understand love only as a need. They see their hearts as empty places that will be filled by love, and they begin to look at love as something that flows to them rather than from them. The first blush of new love is filled to overflowing, but as their love cools, they revert to seeing their love as need. They cease to be someone who generates love and instead become someone who seeks love. They forget that the secret of love is that it is a gift, and that it can be made to grow only by giving it away. Remember this, and keep it to your heart. Love has its own time, its own seasons, and its own reason for coming and going. You cannot bribe it or coerce it, or reason it into staying. You can only embrace it when it arrives and give it away when it comes to you. But if it chooses to leave from your heart or from the heart of your lover, there is nothing you can do and there is nothing you should do. LOVE ALWAYS HAS BEEN &; ALWAYS WILL B A MYSTERY. B GLAD THAT IT CAME 2 LIVE 4 A MOMENT IN Y'R LIFE...
for Karim

Sunday, June 18, 2006



...You f**k my mind and then make me wait for you to come...

Too strong for words, your hold on me is,

A virgin, I was, as I stumbled across your path,

And I kneel here as your whore today,

I cannot fight your charm.

Elusive you were,

Coming and going as you pleased,

But my

Persistent plots proved plentiful,

Again, leaving me here on my knees

Knowing that I am addicted

To the momentary pleasure you give,

And the false comfort you wrap me in,

As I sin and sin, again and again...

...You remove my world in an instant,

Pulling a cloak over my eyes,

And give whatever reality I desire,

All for an insomniac's price-

Too strong for me, your hold on me was,

That I conceded me to you, sealing our fate,

You fuck my mind and then make me wait

For you to come, and I can't say no

So I wait with dry tongue,

And baited breath,

For what is left,

Yes, your rewards are hypocritical,

You suggest a happy ending,

You allude to the perfect plan,

You bring out the Tiger in me

And the poet that dwells within that man,

Like an umbrella you shelter

And beckon me to come in out of rain,

But as an addict on his knees,

I am addicted to your pain.


Saturday, June 17, 2006


For most of us laughter doesn't come very often, yet the magic it performs on our well-being can't be denied. It helps you enjoy friends and family. It diffuses stressful situations and it allows you the opportunity to keep things in perspective. In times of adversity, humor helps you to cope and survive. It helps you recognize absurdities in situations, and eases the tension. Recognize what makes you laugh and put more of it in your life. Let your sense of humor see the fun in everyday experiences and open yourself to silly and outrageous thoughts. Allow your laughter to flow. After all, laughter IS the best medicine.Some of us suffer from painful relationships, dead end jobs or survival mentalities. The truth is that we are not going anywhere because denial or blame keeps us stuck in misery. This kind of life is awful. Think about your own situation. Are you using denial to survive dissatisfying consequences? Accepting and taking responsibility for mistakes and choices is not easy. It takes courage. But you must accept responsibility if you want to change. When you accept the reality of your situation, you take the first essential step to a new and better life. This is the reason for celebration!Even if the previous five thousand days have pushed you backwards, you can still move forward today. Even when your resources have been depleted and your options have been exhausted, there is still a way to move ahead. Never, ever give up, for even in the darkest night there is always, somewhere, a source of light. Even in the most difficult situation there is always, somehow, a way to triumph. Though troubles come rolling in unexpectedly on a regular basis, life is, unquestionably, very much worth living. Amid the pain, the frustration, the disappointment, there is yet something of unfathomable value and beauty in the experience. Take hold of the abundant goodness that can never be extinguished. Live every day in awe of the fact that you're alive. Never forget what a priceless, miraculous gift you've been given. The ups and downs of life pale in comparison to the magnitude of the blessing that is life itself. Remember who you are, what you are, and why you are. Even though the going sometimes gets rough, it is a blessed experience which has no Ralph Marston

Friday, June 16, 2006


Like tiny ripples that merge to form great waves, combined human intent is worth more than the sum of its parts. A single individual can initiate worldwide improvement by emitting conscious frequencies of love, beauty, goodness, and wisdom. As a gay community we can send our light and focus our energy on sending and set the stage for a positive global transformation. We possess the ability to channel love energy, to heal, to be a conduit for white light, and to positively influence our fellow humans that live in the dark. Imagine if each one of us took a few moments at the start of each day to send out light to the world from our hearts. Mother Earth would be quickly eased and the planet, as well as every organism and being on it, would be bathed in loving light. The world would be an infinitely beautiful place. We can help bring about an earth where love triumphs over violence, air and water are nourishing in their purity, and people take pleasure in simply being alive. Alone, the light I emit is a wonderful healing tool, but when I join with others who share the intent to shine compassion and positive energy over the world, a powerful force is created. our collective consciousness and collective light will wash over the planet, enveloping people, communities, cities, countries, and continents.

Thursday, June 15, 2006


Most of us are familiar with the idea that we are not human beings having spiritual experiences; instead, we are spiritual beings having human experiences. We hear this and even though we may experience a resounding yes in our bodies, we may not take the time to really acknowledge the truth of these statements. Integrating this idea into how we view ourselves can broaden our sense of who we are and help us appreciate ourselves as brave spirits on an important mission to learn and grow here on earth. As spiritual beings, we are visitors in this physical realm. The fact that we came here and lost all memory of what happened to us before we were born is one of the many reasons that it takes so much courage for a soul to incarnate on earth. This is why spiritual inquiry so often feels like a remembering-because it is. Remembering that we are spiritual beings is part of the work that we are here on earth to do. When we operate from a place of remembering, we tap into the wisdom that our spirit accumulated even before we stepped into this lifetime. Remembering who we are can give us the patience to persevere when we become overwhelmed or frustrated. It can give us the courage to work through the most daunting challenges and help us trust the ancient wisdom we carry that is offered to us by our intuition. We have chosen to be on earth because there is something we want to learn that can only happen by inhabiting a body. Some of us are here to repay a debt, learn about love, or teach forgiveness. Most of us are here for a combination of reasons, we carry this information in our souls, all we have to do is remember. As you go through your journey, try not to forget how brave you are, being here now.

Wednesday, June 14, 2006


He is WALKING in the dark no light only the shadows of indifference. The madness in his world has him strangled, held hostage in the grips of a life without LOVE! There is no safety after dark for the demons of KARMA will find you...You make his lover live as prisoners; for if he were to venture outside after dark the predators are there to take your possessions HIS LIFE. Is this the way of life for you? Having men to wonder what sort of protection do they need when stepping into the darkness...Should they allow themselves to become another victim of your lust, another VIBRATION interrupted...another relationship lost? What is the answer? PLEASE SPEAK UP IF YOU KNOW THE ANSWER! Whispering in the darkness trying to a way to rise above the perils of the daylight. Trying so hard with all of your might to place yourself in the heart of another that belongs to someone else...Your secrets are revealed your desires are known and your time is up. The defining moment will come, you will get your wish and the lives of all will FALL! So live the dance, send your ego on a walk loosing the bounds of fear releasing the ties that binds. Look outside, leap through the mystical mirror, sing the new song, taste the stream fly on the wings of a moth...swim into the new dream...I will bask in the light of your ignorance as you PULL & BLOW on that WHITE MAN's D!CK...

Tuesday, June 13, 2006


Everything in the universe is made of energy. What differentiates one form of energy from another is the speed at which it vibrates. For example, light vibrates at a very high frequency, and something like a rock vibrates at a lower frequency but a frequency nonetheless. Human beings also vibrate at different frequencies. Our thoughts and feelings can determine the frequency at which we vibrate, and our vibration goes out into the world and attracts to us energy moving at a similar frequency. This is one of the ways that we create our own reality, which is why we can cause a positive shift in our lives by raising our vibration. We all know someone we think of as vibrant. Vibrant literally means "vibrating very rapidly." The people who strike us as vibrant are vibrating at a high frequency, and they can inspire us as we work to raise our vibration. On the other hand, we all know people that are very negative or cynical. These people are vibrating at a lower frequency. They can also be an inspiration because they can show us where we don't want to be vibrating and why. To discover where you are in terms of vibrancy, consider where you fall on a scale between the most pessimistic person you know and the most vibrant. This is not in order to pass judgment, but rather it is important to know where you are as you begin working to raise your frequency so that you can notice and appreciate your progress. There are many ways to raise your vibration, from working with affirmations to visualizing enlightened entities during meditation. One of the most practical ways to raise your vibration is to consciously choose where you focus your attention. To understand how powerful this is, take five minutes to describe something you love unreservedly-a person, a movie, an experience. When your five minutes are up, you will noticeably feel more positive and even lighter. If you want to keep raising your vibration, you might want to commit to spending five minutes every day focusing on the good in your life. As you do this, you will train yourself to be more awake and alive. Over time, you will experience a permanent shift in your vibrancy.

Monday, June 12, 2006

R. I. P.

A world apart
Yet connected by word
Expressions of timelessness
I weep at the sweetness of the irony
Connected by your words And by mine...
Touch me.... And let me touch you.
Pain Sorrow & misery
Opened our eyes
Surely we see
We choose not
To close our hearts
Turn away Avert our eyes
This time
We share the pain
Open souls Feel the rain
Take a step & then one more
Take a risk Open the door
Share a smile & a tear
Do our part Pull love near
As we walk toward
A healing place
Do our part Let love replace…

Sunday, June 11, 2006


Throughout all of the events that occured a year ago, I the ‘clumsy poetic oracle’ was born...I had no other choice but to sit still and propel myself to the next level; living my life authentically without fear. I have overcome my depression gathering my emotional tools redefining myself to fulfill my ordained purpose in life; forgiving those around me….I am listening clearly to the voice of God, I no longer resist my path in life for it’s the only way I can become intellect of peace…for I seek that mountaintop where HE lives!

To make sure that I am into the spirit of living!
To be so strong that nothing can disturb my peace of mind.
To talk health, happiness and prosperity to every person I meet.
To make all my friends feel that there is something in them.
To look at the sunny side of everything and make my optimism come true.
To think only of the best, to work only for the best & expect only the best.
To be just as enthusiastic about the success of others as I am about my own.
To forget the mistakes of the past and press on to the greater achievements of the future.
To wear a cheerful countenance at all times and give every living creature I meet a smile.
To give so much time to the improvement of myself that I have no time to criticize others.
I know that MY GOD is to be too large for worry, too noble for anger, too strong for fear & too happy to permit the presence of trouble in my life…He speaks to me through my heart
My heart tells me what to write,
My heart knows how I feel.
My heart knows how to hate… sacrifice…love…
My heart sings a sweet melody!
My heart knows when I am wrong, when I think I am right.
My heart makes me live with no strings attached.
My heart knows about the three IT'S in life! Intensity-Integrity- & Intelligence!
My heart is the shyest object in the world.
My heart has numerous qualities carelessly mixed together
My heart blushes when it dies
My heart becomes a monster when it loves.
My heart becomes transformed each season.
My heart is blind to joy and obligation,
My heart threatens to burst when in solitude
My heart worships the sun on a stone.
My heart is in a state of permanent repentance when I am asleep
My heart sinks to the bottom of my churning dreams!


Saturday, June 10, 2006


What am I supposed to do when I find my heart untrue? I am betrayed everyday, causing myself to fall apart and my bones to crack. What am I supposed to say when time eats away? Hour after hour, night after day; cheating my soul as I grow old and cold? Who am I supposed to love if I can only love for a minute? Tick, tock who can I care for if I’m always one foot out of a door? What defenses do I use to heal this heart? What ointment can cure a sore so un-pure? Is there someone near who is listening, who can hear? Please dry the tears of my heart and right my wrong, pick up the fragments of my soul. Or am I doomed to always be only half of what I say and see? Why not take all of me instead of leaving half of me. He left me to go through this life all so lonely, searching for the rest and then you go and take the best half that I have to offer. How can I show my face to another when you have robbed me? Now I am like all the others; incomplete and lost…Who will roam the maze of life with me? Who will warm my heart? Who will sooth my temper on days afire? Who will boost my ego with desire? Pieces of us are intertwined, I am lost on what yours and what is mine. Somewhere in the twist, I have lost my motion, momentum dispersed in a sad convulsion. Now all seems silent, no resuscitation, I could hear my heart’s fluttered palpitation; I looked at you with a blank gaze, wondering from where had come this haze. All I am left to do is to lie, by his side and cry everything has burned and perishing before I could grab the water and extinguish the blaze, so went our love…Rock my thoughts like a lullaby, because I am frozen in place, and torn inside. That’s when I realized that he killed me! The Day…I Died was the happiest day of my life, only I didn’t know it then. All I knew was that I wasn’t the wisdom and guidance of God's perfect plan I didn’t take in quiet breathes, I didn’t experience the presence of inner wisdom…The direction of my heart! I never listened, I was always fighting myself. I wasn’t in perfect harmony with my purpose in life…Unable to release the fear of the future, the guilt of the past. Because of death, I will have to gently release my thoughts of the future or the past, knowing that I have everything I need in the moment. I will experience the perfection of this present moment. This is the only time I sense God's love and that the future will take care of itself because the past has already been forgiven. I have to live my renewed self, in joy and completeness. I wish that I could reject the notions that have shaped my life. I now have faith in no one on earth but me, so I’ve learned how to dry my own tears, I’ve figured out how to last each day with my wanting him and not having him in any way. I wish I could rid every part of me of him and the hypocrisy that I have created. I want to close myself to the world; I have found that solace is comfort to my tattered soul that now only desires to grow old. I wish someone explain why I feel this way, how can I break apart like sand at the beach? Can God tell me why he put me here? Can I gain some clarity before I disappear? What are the reasons for all of this? Leaving me praying for him to do it like he did before, praying for a door to open that is now shut; I want to pass over this threshold. Mentally I keep throwing and tossing, hoping he will catch, but these notions never play out in real time- yet I can't let go of my childhood dream, to wake up one day in a world unseen, with sun and sky showering my face and a love unlike any other to decorate the place. But, he doesn't exist anymore, so at night I hope robbers come and snatch my love and twist it, contort it, toss it out of my window. So that I can have some peace; all I can think of are the beautiful rhythms and dreams. I don’t want love to mutate into hate. My mind in overdrive: time has found me miles in doubt, and now I mistrust. Isn’t it funny to have a mind, alive, while days pass by, seeding a hate, with nowhere to go, but out, disguised…as love?

Friday, June 9, 2006


This the day, the day changed everything; my venire cracked and my reality shattered. I never thought that I would or could feel this kind of pain and emotion, but I was wrong. What seemed like a light at the end of the tunnel quickly faded and it all turned dark, I couldn’t believe it we were actually having a conversation, talking about things for the first time in about two weeks and then it hit me what if this was all a test, a trial to prove that I am not strong after all. I don’t get it we were laughing with each other, been so long since that took place…then BOOM there it was the question that brought me to life and killed my soul! He said to me hey isn’t it funny that we both moved on and are having sex with other persons? My response was ‘HELL NO’ and like a deer caught in the head lights he seemed confused, lost because he then told me that he did. Talk about a kick in the stomach and the elephant in the room. I was anxious and nervous, I went to see a ‘good friend’ of mine and he told me that I should expect this, that this is what happens when people are hurt and confuse. I left his office went back to work in a daze not knowing what I was going to do, how to deal with this information, going over all that was said I felt like I was sleep walking or in some terrible nightmare. I felt that if I lost myself in my work then I would be fine, that didn’t work because the universe kept sending ‘him’ way via my friends asking me about him, ‘how is he doing?’ I honestly didn’t know how to answer so I just said nothing. All I knew is that I wanted to leave run and never stop, out run my feelings and hope they don’t catch up with me because it was revelations time. OH MY GOD, I LOVE THIS MAN…how is this possible? All I can now do it cry because that means that ‘love’ has fucked me and I was still waiting to have an orgasm. I couldn’t understand why I was hurt more than I ever thought I could and I don't know why I ever thought you would go along with rules that I made up as if you cared or really gave a fuck. For twenty-seven long years I have screamed your name in an infant's cries and a young man's shame and twenty-seven years of silence on your part still hasn't stopped me from hoping that one day you'll start to take notice of me. I have tried to find you in his eyes and I have searched for your presence in between other's thighs. Once I thought that I saw your shadow, but that was just the residue I suppose. Completely unaware you seem to be; to my every request and my every plea, once again you've gone and made an ass of me and I don't know who I am supposed to be. Sure, I've called on your name a time or two and sworn that you were present each and every time, but I was fooling myself each and every time. You were nowhere to be found inside that heart of his. I know now that you don’t lurk inside of his kiss or his eyes, his ass not even his touch; you never come around…And you don't give a fuck. I have lost what I have loved paying every single day some excessive cost. I gave all of myself leaving little for anyone else. Even when I wasn’t depending on love I was looking at him to reach that final step. Now I find myself slipping, I could certainly use some divine intervention from above; perhaps I would be prepared for the circumstance love trapped…Perhaps I could deal! This feels like something surreal with false encounters seemingly real and if I knew a better way to end, better than how I began I would climb Love's mountain and triumphantly stand. Instead I am in this never-ending circle guess it’s my very own excessive cost…

Wednesday, June 7, 2006


On this night, an undetected spring breeze blew softly and ignited elements that usually lay dormant in my soul. My heart beat rapidly as I try to figure out this new invader. I felt as if my soul knew that; the night held surprises unanticipated and life-changing because every breath I inhaled from that spring breeze excited the sleeping butterflies in my stomach. Dusk was slowly creeping as my body slipped into the shadows and I felt the need to escape. The distant rainforest I’d always dreamed was recreated with another in a place that HOUSED the full exchange of THEIR passion. The beautiful wet humidity lie in HIS fierce kisses that feed off HIS lips and this alternate escape was fully constructed with the animalistic bellows that escaped from a place so much deeper than THEIR lungs. The secrets that USE to lie with us now lie with THEM. Then they made love and now I see many different faces of HIM...or who I thought HE was... My sky now full of dark clouds, with the sun’s ray focus on me added to my foreboding storm. The addition of rain and a streak of lightening complete my storm…“I am overwhelmed with sadness, “Maybe I’ll cry about it someday,” as time passes as time does when everything in life suddenly gets messed up: very slowly. My stomach is churning and twisting and tightening in an aggravating knot playing dodge ball with my insides. I want to rip my stomach from my body, throw it against the wall and watch it splatter and slide down so I can trample it. I am up to my neck in rain water weighing heavily on my vulnerability forcing me out of my dream state. I am wet with my own tears…Without meaning to, or knowing...I’d escaped...escaped you...and it's all I could ever dream of. Honestly, I knew that I was destined to have my heart broken I handed it over to someone too weak, too careless, too distracted to hang on to it. I am now naked, terrified and full of fear I had no choice but to accept what awaits me…The raw, untamed passion of this existence is unparallel, it would take a colder soul than mine to be left unaffected. The aftermath of this storm created a new world; broken branches on the ground, driftwood on the shore and a fallen angel in my heart. My heart left like a leaf dangling in the wind, I am desperately pulling life by its tail. I can pretend, forget everything, but the thing is…I now face the doubt…the anxiety; I have to accept the harsh realities! Not seeing a light...anywhere, I just keep sinking into the darkness... this idealism that has persisted through all the tempest of my life!

Monday, June 5, 2006


I made him feel rather special…free to himself something that was heart warming, delightful and invigorating, said that, ‘he is excited about our developing relationship and that he is glad to have met me. Thinking about me as Mariah Carey’s song WE BELONG TOGETHER send a wave of emotion over him. He imagined that he was holding me and that danced the night away, wanted to call my house to hear my voice but was afraid of the ‘BIG DOG’ and to think we haven’t even been on a ‘date’ yet… His life is obligated to me its like he knows his sole purpose is for me, securing our future as ‘life partners’. No matter where he went, who he spoke with or what was going on around him I was constantly on my mind. Then we kissed, I have intoxicated him with lips so soft and sweet ‘It taste like candy.’ He was scared at that point because he didn’t want to let them go, I saw a side of him that was like WO, it was great, fun and so, so, so, so, so, so…he held himself back because he is the type that falls rather quickly. Wanting to go on with his life but couldn’t because all he does is dwell on that kiss, that meant so much, it came at the right time with no guilt attached… This place that GOD has placed in is so comfortable it seems so surreal, so TO GOD BE THE GLORY…He is alive to see everyday with me and he is so grateful that he has been provided his every wish and want…

Friday, June 2, 2006


He made want to do something taboo, like cram my right foot inside my left shoe. Go against the cosmic rule, to rebel so that I’d be cool. He makes want to act like I lost my mind, like love means nothing, and leave it behind, just cover up what I feel inside…my body so my heart can hide. I want to be fake, instead of being real, I want to plunge into the ocean, not the lake, I desire to be accepted as who I am, I desire to one day to give a damn…NOT!

I'm afraid one day the curtain will drop, and I'll be found without a prop or worst still, the curtain will rise and he will know and open my eyes. But I know not how to begin, to begin to let him in…to tell him about the real and to let them know the awful deal…Until the nightmare of living is done.

BUT FOR NOW I DON’T GIVE A F**K!...IT WAS WRITTEN IN STONE…on a mountain high that we would be one, eternally…Only ONE future, ONE path…Your hand in mine with love as our guide? You and me on a journey, OH to know the ending…But for now all I care about is the time we are spending.

I love that when I look at your face I see intensity, and devotion…You poured your secret potion on me, musta' been while I was sleep, cause I find myself fallin' and I know that is too quick but when I look in your heart I knew our worlds could not part. I am in you and you in me, holding on, I will not let go…YOU WERE PROMISED TO ME!

I wanted him to ride me, lowering his tock over my tick; take a seat and hold on tight while I work his hips into the night. I felt the seduction dangles from the tips of his fingers…exploring…probing sloppy kisses and wet blows. His hands holding me close while his throat does a wave motion…DAMN I’M HARD! He is teasing me to release, so tempted this anticipation will not cease...Sweat on my chest dripping because of his passion, his feet going back to your ears…I could keep him like this for years…

Thursday, June 1, 2006


Love to me is like a roller coaster it makes my mind and body go up and down, yet people wonder why I am such cynic? Think about it; I have love standing in front of me, taunting me, testing me as I still await my ‘curtain call.’ I stand tall and do not bow or run scared from this dragon without fire, lion with no teeth! SHOULD SOMEONE LIKE ME FALL BEFORE YOUR FEET? Should I run from my shadow for your sake? Stay there in the darkness, the light reveals that you have no power and I shall not wallow in my pain for you! Should I let myself be burned up so that I may walk through my own ashes for your sake? You retreat into darkness for you are too shame to search for weaker prey, for a ‘MAN’ walking alone in the night is your terror now? The leprous beasts of death is at my heels now…I will say a prayer and smite thee, watch you run like a squirrel, like a fox at the sound of a blood hounds seeking your blood. I want you to tremble in anticipation…HOW DARE YOU SHOW YOURSELF TO ME? I am going to defeat you, so shake the earth with your mighty hooves snort and stomp in the dust; see that I am not shaking before you. I will stand on a great rock; I will not be move for your pleasure I will not bow to your ghastly forms anymore, your teeth are like sponges; like soft rubber your claws look like razors, but they are blades of straw. So lie in front of me, see that I have authority over you. I will laugh at your pathetic form, poke at your empty rib cage jab my hands in your stomach and rip your heart out! I can see your eyes are still yellow with hunger, I know you still seek my flesh I see your rage and its griping ever so tightly like lighting strikes and a roar from the GODS on high. I WILL FOLLOW THE PATH OF TRUTH FOR IT SHALL SET YOU FREE! You are a lie that keeps your victims in bondage always encouraging me to ignore my inner most truth. I SAY NO MORE…I know who I am and I will blanket myself with that persona never allowing you to make me a carbon copy of LOVE again…I have broken down the walls I see the trueness of it all in the reflection of me. The path is clearly marked I want to step into the warmth of infinite healing; I want to feel myself breath again. I now only face the canyon of separation, the empty space, time has no meaning…LOVE…A FOUR LETTER WORD?