I AM...

I am whatever YOU think I am until YOU get to KNOW me. This is true for everyone else too, of course.. so don't make assumptions about anyone or pass judgment; ask questions. You might just make a new friend.


Wednesday, August 30, 2006


Do you remember reading in Genesis that Eve ate the apple first? Do you remember what God told Eve would happen because she ate that apple? You probably do, because it has become common knowledge that God cursed women to have pain in birth because Eve sinned. Today I saw an old classmate of mine, she was at Wendy's and I was quite surprise to see her there because she was in training to work there. Imagine she had the net on her hair as to not get anything in the food and she had on a white shirt and black pants. This made it all so real for me, she was such a go getter; not that she might not be anymore, but she wanted so much for herself. She was the eldest of six (6) siblings and she made it known that she wasn't going to have any kids, especially for a BAHAMIAN MAN! So it finally hit me, she is her mother now, the life she wanted is but a distant dream...SHE HAS FOUR (4) KIDS OF HER OWN! SHE HAS BECOME HER MOTHER, SHE HAS FALLEN PREY TO THE CURSE OF EVE. Being a single mother has to, by far, be the single most stressful challenge of being a Black woman. The evidence is there in outrageous numbers that Black women are raising our Black children alone. Parenting is, without a doubt, THE single most stressful, emotionally draining, demanding, challenging job ever. To do it alone, without a support system, or a support system that only shows up every other weekend, is damaging the entire race. The financial, emotional, and physical responsibility of rearing children is too much for one person to do alone yet Black women do it alone so much, that it’s seen as the standard. Every mother wants to provide for their child, to give them more opportunities, to protect them but it’s virtually impossible to do without a partner. At least not effectively. So when I think of her, I remember a young girl that wanted to grab life by the horns and take charge; now I feel as if she has been devoured by life. I honestly feel that the contract she signed gave her more than she bargained for, this isn't the life she wanted, this is what she came her for or so she thinks. She didn't read the fine print, she didn't see the claus in her contract for what kind of life she will live on this earth. I pray that GOD touches her soul everyday and ease the pressure a little, I know that he won't put anything on her that she cannot bear. I only hope and pray that she has learned her lesson that life is teaching her, I hope she is owning the contract she signed before starting this life. It's my personal belief that when one misses the lesson, one has to live it again. I only hope and pray she instills in her very own daughter the things she wanted for herself, I HOPE SHE PRAYS TO GOD THAT THEY DON'T FALL PREY TO HER MOTHER'S CURSE!
Oh! Don’t you see yonder?
A pretty girl on that shore..
Sitting there by her self,
Lost, Alone, Sad….beautiful.
Her wet lashes look up now and then
Seeking out onto the sea,
Searching beyond the horizon far
For when her sailor come back for her
Upon the rock she sat
As the waves beat across that
A wild beat that only the sea knew
Her sad heart swayed to the beat
Tears trickled down her face
Tiny salty drops fell into the water
Her hopes, her dreams, her life
Washed away with the huge waves
She knew he wouldn’t come back
Back from the world so far
So far behind he left her
She couldn’t follow him there Oh!
There she sits by herself
On that rock waiting
For her beloved to return
From the world unknown……

Tuesday, August 29, 2006


Simple Conversation for vally
I have every right to psychoanalyze you,
Reminding you of the mistakes you have made.
Who gave you life to be a thorn in my ass?
Your lies has reduced me to a child again
And I have no romantic way to say
That the man in me is ashamed of how
I have let you take me to this place again
I am no longer impressed with your life
It is self serving
And I want to kick my mother
For producing such a fool
But I tried to move on
And you left me with all this shit
Stewing inside of me
You kept slowly turning up the heat
So I would stew even faster
I’m tired of cooking over you
There I said it
FUCK YOU again
You don’t fool me anymore
I don’t want you anymore
The two words that landed on your doorstep
That morning weren’t enough
I should have added that you hurt me
More than I hurt you
From my point of view
You damaged me
You made me question my faith
And everything you told me
You made me untrusting
And I only had you
And then you turned your back on me
Forcing me to leave you alone
Divide and conquer
I am abandoning the idea of you
After you already abandoned me
Robbing my dreams & life of me

Monday, August 28, 2006


I find myself bouncing along, light in spirit; free from worries and enjoying the moment. That is, until the clouds begin to form turning the skies grey and a fog roll in. Puffs of white take on whimsical, darker shades and my LOVE disappear along with the sunshine...

UMMM NO! FUCK THAT…I'm not scared of you though I let you deceive me and confuse me. Yet I come back each day anew, willing to only see the best in you and now on this day we are through. I have him now, no longer will I worry about your hold on him, you have a one-sided, narrow mind…Why do you have to be? Why don’t I hate you? Why don’t I care? Can you answer me? Well fuck you then!

I LOVE this feeling, to finally see you was so appealing, I am now convinced that things have changed and now our lives have been rearrange. I LOVE HIM! Isn't that what it all comes down to? He has started anew and I can breathe and not even think about you; after all you hurt him, you tore his heart apart. But no more of your lies, no more faulty alibis, you didn’t wish to compromise.

Is it a crazy notion that I am not glad that you hurt him? I think not…If you didn’t then I couldn’t be with him… Should I grieve at the emotions gone? Surely that isn’t within my power to do. Should I go to sleep and think some more? Nope, I now know what I was waiting for. Instead I think I will accept this fact and raise my glass, tip my hat and watch from the bleachers your heart at bat…

Sunday, August 27, 2006


The saga I call my life…Shadowless…on pause…Commonly cast into the wind, blown hither and thither by fear and uncertainty…By way of choices, by way of fate. I have found that within me, there exists resolve and fortitude, I stare gazingly and exit to that place and escape out of this maze. My heart stops and my smoking mirrors fill me with despair and desolation.
Imagine me all alone in my dark cell hoping for light it’s like I am a parched soul that remains dry …unable to drink. I am in unrest; times of perplexity are upon me. My heart is failing me for I know of the things to come…I am so mentally drained from life and its teachings I am filled with mixed emotions. I have resolved to look for the real, positive & enduring value life offers as I try to attain purity. I know that I have to step outside of my self…Soothe my troubled soul and take my life more seriously.
I made myself a promise that I will always make sure that I am into the spirit of living and that I will strong so that nothing can disturb my peace of mind. To talk health, happiness and prosperity to every person I meet and make all my friends feel that there is something in them. I will try to look at the sunny side of everything and make my optimism come true; think only of the best, to work only for the best and expect only the best. I know that I have to forget the mistakes of the past and press on to the greater achievements of the future.
But I got too large for worry, too noble for anger, too strong for fear and too happy to permit the presence of trouble. I TOOK LIFE WAY TOO SERIOUSLY AND LOST MY FOCUS! Now I realize that if I am to get out this ALIVE I need to apologize for all the seen and unseen lies, for the heartache and pain that brought tears in my eyes. I apologize for not being true from the start, for running away from me, leaving a hole in my heart. For ignoring my feelings and pushing them aside because I was too damn arrogant and pumped up with pride. I apologize for making promises that I couldn’t keep, for building a foundation based on treachery and deceit. Being selfish and inconsiderate, I did what I wanted to do, making costly decisions without thinking of me. I apologize for not holding me through restless nights and stormy days, for my immature thoughts and my foolish ways. Instead of carrying my love with me, I just threw it on the shelf, after I made love I turned away, only thinking of myself. I cried my heart for me, while I was out running wild and loose, I destroyed the essence of my love, physically, mentally & emotionally. Now I see why I build a wall around me, because it is me I despise, but that’s the price that I have to pay for all the times I wore a disguise. I pray to GOD that one day I will realize that I TAKE LIFE TOO SERIOUSLY AND I NEED TO CHANGE IF I WANT TO GET OUT ALIVE!

Saturday, August 26, 2006


When we become overwhelmed and things are not going as planned, it is natural to hold tighter to our goals and try to force things to go our way. In the process, we tie ourselves in knots, tensing our shoulders, jaws, and muscles throughout our bodies. Our mind tells us that this is how to get a firmer grip on a situation that feels out of control, but as we create knots in our bodies we are blocking the flow of our energy, exhausting ourselves by exerting more effort yet accomplishing less. At these times, though it may seem counterintuitive, our higher selves know it's better to let go.
This may not be quite as easy as it sounds. After the relief of our first decision to release, if we allow questions about how to get everything done to start again, the knots will be back before we know it. So we need to be aware that this is a process to breathe through. First, we need to let go of our idea of what the perfect outcome should be, and allow that the intelligence that drives the universe knows better than we do how everything fits together for the highest good. Then we might have to release our imagined consequences and realize that, in most cases, the worst that could happen really isn't that bad. We may need to remember how to relax, first by taking deep breaths, then by meditating, and then perhaps seeking help from a loved one, massage therapist, or energy healer to clear the underlying knots.
We can ease our mental stress by prioritizing what we truly want to accomplish, and then delegating the rest to someone who has more enthusiasm for those things. When we relax and let life's energy flow through our minds, bodies, spirits, and lives, we will find that we can accomplish more with less effort and feel good doing it. We don't have to tie ourselves in knots. Instead, we can let the ribbons of our energy unfurl to gracefully direct us through life's abundant flow.

Friday, August 25, 2006


Lil’ Sis’

If I could just tell you how I feel,

You would see that I am real.

Love is sometimes all that’s left,

When your life is filled with unhappiness,

I wish I could save you from the heartache down the way.

But I know that if I did,

Alone, you’d never handle it,

So I gotta stand back and let you grow on your own.

I know the journey seems insurmountable, unbelievable,

But listen to me, and you’ll know that it’s passable, it’s possible,

Learn from my life and others around you,

Learn to love yourself, and take that too.


Thursday, August 24, 2006


What do you do when you have been doing this for the past 20 years and it no longer satisfies you or is fun but something to do as its been something you have done for the past 20 years?
What do you do when you get this physically attractive man who surprises you and sucks your dick (smile) and after you both nut, he goes his way and you go yours and you wonder is that it?
What do you do when you get sick and tired of getting by and move from the land of "good enough?"
What do you do when you move away from a place that has been home for so many years and you are now living alone for the first time and the wonderment of this experience is at times overwhelming? Do you stick it out or do you go home?
What do you do when you know that is not what you want but it is so readily available?
What do you do when it happens? Someone wishes to get to know you and is truly interested in you but you're not used to someone being interested in you or giving you this much attention and you wait and wait as you know the other shoe is about to drop or you start questioning yourself as to "he likes me?" even though this is what you have been wanting for the longest and now that it is here, you don't know what to do? So you push him away and hook up with someone who is going to do the exact opposite as that is what you know.
What do you do when you are feeling so alone that all you do at the office or really passionate about is checking your adam4adam or blkgaychat account hoping to meet someone to ease this emptiness that is inside of you?
What do you do when you know that smoking, drinking to the point of excess, engaging in casual sex, is truly not what you want, but at times the feelings of loneliness come over you and you just want to escape and at that moment those things are the thing readily available?
What do you do when you continue to get up in the morning with high expectations but only to be shot down once you walk out your home?
What do you do when you are constantly reminded that no one wants you based on you being too femme, HIV-positive, fat, not working but looking, that you don't have face or body but you're a good person, et cetera, et cetera, et cetera?
What do you do when at 33 years of age you have yet to experience a relationship? Do you just throw in the towel and say "Fuck It?"
What do you do when you seek out the best that is YOU only to be reminded that the best in YOU is not good enough?
What do you do when the lights are out and you are in the throes of darkness and you see that faint light but to fully experience the light you have to get passed the drugs, the sex, and alcohol, the expectations and/or false illusions that you have accepted and push through all of that to truly stand in the light?
What do you when you find truth in what I say? Do turn your back on it and pretend as if it doesn’t exist? Or do you grab a hold of it and own it with your fist?

Wednesday, August 23, 2006


Do you want something?
Will you pay the price?
The great sin - Gossip.
The great crippler - Fear.
The greatest mistake - Giving up.
The most satisfying experience - Doing your duty first.
The best action - Keep the mind clear and judgment good.
The greatest blessing - Good health.
The biggest fool - The man who lies to himself.
The great gamble - Substituting hope for facts.
The most certain thing in life - Change.
The greatest joy - Being needed.
The cleverest man - The one who does what he thinks is right.
The most potent force - Positive thinking.
The greatest opportunity - The next one.
The greatest thought - God.
The greatest victory - Victory over self.
The best play - Successful work.
The greatest handicap - Egotism.
The most expensive indulgence - Hate.
The most dangerous man - The liar.
The most ridiculous trait - False pride.
The greatest loss - Loss of self confidence.
The greatest need - Common sense.
What inspires you to be the best person possible?
How does that person enrich the lives of others?

Tuesday, August 22, 2006


We're all in the same boat. We just have different paddles, and perhaps we find ourselves on different rivers. We all live in human bodies. These are the vehicles in which we move through our world. We are all made of flesh, blood,and bone, with brains, hearts, and lungs to power us. Our paddles-the tools we use to move through the world-vary, as do the bodies of water-the environments-in which we find ourselves. Some of us use our high IQ's to get where we want to go. Some of use our smiles, others use kindness, a gift with language, or athletic ability. Some of these qualities we were born with and others are skills we have learned. Considering this metaphor in light of your own life can be very enlightening. What tools are you using to get from point A to point B in your life? Chances are, you and the people you know have used many different tools in various combinations throughout your lives to get where you needed to go. Just as with oars or paddles, a balanced approach is best. If you rely too much on one thing, like beauty, to open doors, you fail to be well-rounded and you may eventually lose your equilibrium. And if you lose that one quality, you have no paddle at all.This is inspiration to develop multiple tools to navigate your world. Some of us may be moving along paths that are like rushing rivers; others may be on a large, still lake. We have all felt, at one time or another, tossed about on a stormy ocean. Through all this, we are never really alone, even though it might seem that way. There is inspiration all around us in the form of other people making their way through the world, in the very same boat. Remember to look around you for role models, companionship, and encouragement.

Monday, August 21, 2006


Imagine three ‘ potential GAY little boys,’ kindergartners who are largely alike in intelligence, talent and character, whose potential seems limitless. According to ‘our society’ at large all of these boys are doomed to fate worst than death, and if it isn’t bad enough they make sure they will live a life of HELL on earth. Funny how they want us to punish and feel like shadows walking on this earth, we are placed here by GOD and he has a purpose that is bigger than all of us. I KNOW THAT MANKIND IS @ IT’S BEST WHEN WE ARE ALL FREE!
Being a GAY man in the Bahamas can mean inhabiting a border area between possibility and peril, to feel connected to, defined by, even responsible for up and coming boys and other men as well. Being a GAY man I know that we have the same shared existence, of sometimes wondering whether our accomplishments will be treated as anomalies, our individuality obscured by the narrow images that linger in the minds of others within our society.
The other day, I had the opportunity to have a few of my friends over and celebrated each other’s company. There was a lot of ‘INTELLECTUAL INTERCOURSE’ and of course some crazy stuff being said in good fun. It was at that time that I realized that every single MAN that was there was in fact GAY, but were all successful in some way. It was about 10 of us there and 8 out 10 are attending college, the other 2 are climbing the career ladder on their present jobs. I mean think about it, we have future doctors, lawyers & teachers sitting right there, just waiting to impart knowledge and cultivate the soul of our nation.
I find it funny how our society is so segregated when it’s for the benefit for others around them, but in stillness of their hearts when they are alone they are such a different being. I love the fact that I have nieces much like my GAY brothers that knows us as being humans not some FUCKED up shell of man. In my mind this means that where the nation was once largely segregated along the same-sex prone crew, our society will now become more INTEGRATED, CREATING OPPORTUNITIES & NEW SENSIBILITIES.
I for a moment in time I allowed society to make a person that was homophobic, stupidly I allowed myself to closed off to the people that share the same energies, that have the same fight…that wants a life all their own. I am now PRO-GAY, I know that we're all part of the human race. I grew a little bit. I look at life as a puzzle; day by day, you get a new piece.
There is a lot of FEAR & FASCINATION from society because WE CARRY THAT SPECIAL BURDEN. It's the cohesion that comes from knowing whatever your situation in life is you're carrying a special burden, but also that WE are strong enough to do it. Whatever they put on us, we can handle it, knock us down and we will get up. ALL THEY SEE IS A GAY MAN and I find that so crazy, we are birth control, we are the ones that would gladly take in that child that has no one that cares for them. I know if I wasn’t who I am and was married to a female I wouldn’t be able to be such a help to my family financially.
Fearlessness is key ingredient locked in our melanin, our genes, our DNA, is what I say. Outta the drum we come! Revolution is matter-in-motion, its ancestral energy and a fierce pride possessed by those who know. Every time the enemy thinks they have bleached our minds by promoting ignorance and untruths we will sound the alarm and the war will continue.
It is us THE SISSY ONES, THE BATTY BOYS, THE SHIT PACKERS that beams lasers into the consciousness of those who are avoiding the truth, the reality, the pain. We deliver the word, no matter how tight of a hold the ignorant has on society, we break through and defend ourselves with the best we have.
We are not going quietly into the night, ya gotta bring ass to kick ass. The pavements, jungles and deserts are red with our blood, our religious temples are burning and our backs are jammed up against the wall, OUT OF THIS CHAOS WILL COME ORDER! There is no time to play games with religious leaders, civil rights and professional crisis hustlers swimming in the blood of the slaughter. We must take back that which was taken; it caused the destruction of THE GAY MAN.

Sunday, August 20, 2006


Dear 'Sil':
I want to talk to you about your 'baby boy'. I know that you are not here with us anymore, yet still I know you are aware of what he is doing and how he is living his life. I am sending you this plea, this open call for you to step in and help him; even though he doesn't feel that he needs your help. I hope and pray that some how, that some way you ask GOD to touch his soul and make him the MAN you want him to be. I can see you right now pregnant and about going to give birth. It is so vivid, you are very hot and uncomfortable, your breasts ached so much and your ankles are swollen and you feel 'baby boy' deliriously trapped and sombulent inside of your body. You are looking out towards a field that was covered in blue midst, even though the sun was high in the sky and very bright-I think you had a fever as you waited to give life to your 'baby boy.' As your 'baby boy' becomes a man I think that you will be ashamed of the person he is today. He has destroyed the life of woman that gave him his son and doesn't seem to care about it. Please tell him that he owes her an apology; think about it, how is she supposed to react when he leaves her for a MAN? He doesn't get it that she feels that he lied and betrayed her, she never knew who he truly was and never will. I know searching out one's sexuality is a serious thing and it's very confusing but I want to somehow someway whisper in his ear, touch his heart and break through that mask that he is wearing. Tell him to make peace, make life easier for himself. Your son is out here to conquer the 'GAY WORLD' he is fucking his way through the community, despite that he is with the MAN that he left his baby's mother for. I probably shouldn't say this to you but I know that you would want to know that your son just started having unprotected sex...So you know what that means? He is playing with his life! He doesn't seem to care about his reputation or his career; what ever party that is going on he is there, when the club doors open he is there front and center as if he has keys to the damn place there always seem to be a ribbon cutting ceremony that he must attend. I liked him better when he would visit with me from time to time, even though we lived closer to each other; we were closer before he moved next door to me. I got to see the beast up close and it isn't pretty, he is selfish and unkind believing that the world revolves around him and we are here to cater to his every need. He has hurt our friendship and doesn't seem to care, I am sorry to say that I don't want him around me. I will walk past his dead face even though he is alive, I hope he gets to see his eyes in the mirror and cry at the sight. I hope that he cries every tear at the sight of himself and find the strength climb that mountain of rocks and seek that eagle flying overhead. I hope he heard all the terrible things about himself when no one thought he was listening. He is a pawn in his own game walking the fine line between surviving and not wanting to survive.
So as I digress I hope that I gave you a lot to think about and I am asking you to help your 'baby boy' bring him back to us, make him someone you are proud of...
This is 4 him in case he decides to care one day...
The Story of Your Life
Don't say you're not important,
It simply isn't true,
The fact that you were born,
Is proof,
God has a plan for you.
The path may seem unclear right now,
But one day you will see,
That all that came before,
Was truly meant to be.
God wrote the book that is your life,
That's all you need to know.
Each day that you are living,
Was written long ago.
God only writes best sellers,
So be proud of who you are,
Your character is important,
In this book you are the Star.
Enjoy the novel as it reads,
It will stand throughout the ages,
Savor each chapter as you go,
Taking time to turn the pages.

Tuesday, August 15, 2006


Mid pleasures and palaces though we may roam,
Be it ever so humble, there's no place like home;
A charm from the sky seems to hallow us there,
Which, seek through the world, is ne'er met with elsewhere.
Home, home, sweet, sweet home!
There's no place like home, oh, there's no place like home!
An exile from home, splendor dazzles in vain;
Oh, give me my lowly thatched cottage again!
The birds singing gayly, that come at my call --
Give me them -- and the peace of mind, dearer than all!
Home, home, sweet, sweet home!
There's no place like home, oh, there's no place like home!
I gaze on the moon as I tread the drear wild,
And feel that my mother now thinks of her child,
As she looks on that moon from our own cottage door Thro' the woodbine,
whose fragrance shall cheer me no more.
Home, home, sweet, sweet home!
There's no place like home, oh,
there's no place like home!
How sweet 'tis to sit 'neath a fond father's smile,
And the caress of a mother to soothe and beguile!
Let others delight mid new pleasures to roam,
But give me, oh, give me, the pleasures of home.
Home, home, sweet, sweet home!
There's no place like home, oh,
there's no place like home!
To thee I'll return, overburdened with care;
The heart's dearest solace will smile on me there;
No more from that cottage again will I roam;
Be it ever so humble, there's no place like home.
Home, home, sweet, sweet, home!
There's no place like home, oh, there's no place like home!
by John Howard Payne

Friday, August 11, 2006


Find your birthday and then find your tree. This is really cool and somewhat accurate. Find your tree below and see what you are like...
Jan 01 to Jan 11 - Fir Tree
Jan 12 to Jan 24 - Elm Tree!
Jan 25 to Feb 03 - Cypress Tree
Feb 04 to Feb 08 - Poplar Tree
Feb 09 to Feb 18 - Cedar Tree
Feb 19 to Feb 28 - Pine Tree
Mar 01 to Mar 10 - Weeping Willow Tree
Mar 11 to Mar 20 - Lime Tree
Mar 21 (only) - Oak Tree
Mar 22 to Mar 31 - Hazelnut Tree
Apr 01 to Apr 10 - Rowan Tree
Apr 11 to Apr 20 - Maple Tree
Apr 21 to Apr 30 - Walnut Tree
May 01 to May 14 - Poplar Tree
May 15 to May 24 - Chestnut Tree
May 25 to Jun 03 - Ash Tree
Jun 04 to Jun 13 - Hornbeam Tree
Jun 14 to Jun 23 - Fig Tree
Jun 24 (only) - Birch Tree
Jun 25 to Jul 04 - Apple Tree
Jul 05 to Jul 14 - Fir Tree
Jul 15 to Jul 25 - Elm Tree
Jul 26 to Aug 04 - Cypress Tree
Aug 05 to Aug 13 - Poplar Tree
Aug 14 to Aug 23 - Cedar Tree
Aug 24 to Sep 02 - Pine Tree
Sep 03 to Sep 12 - Weeping Willow Tree
Sep 13 to Sep 22 - Lime Tree
Sep 23(only) - Olive Tree
Sep 24 to Oct 03 - Hazelnut Tree
Oct 04 to Oct 13 - Rowan Tree
Oct 14 to Oct 23 - Maple Tree
Oct 24 to Nov 11 - Walnut Tree
Nov 12 to Nov 21 - Chest nut Tree
Nov 22 to Dec 01 - Ash Tree
Dec 02 to Dec 11 - Hornbeam Tree
Dec 12 to Dec 21 - Fig Tree
Dec 22(only) - Beech Tree
Dec 23 to Jan 01 - Apple Tree
TREES (in alphabetical order)
  • Apple Tree(Love) -- quiet and shy at times, lots of charm, appeal, and attraction, pleasant attitude, flirtatious smile, adventurous, sensitive, loyal in love, wants to love and be loved, faithful and tender partner, very generous, many talents, loves children, needs affectionate partner. Ash Tree(Ambition) -- extremely attractive, vivacious, impulsive, demanding, doesn't care for criticism, ambitious, intelligent, talented, likes to play with fate, can be very egotistic, reliable, restless lover, sometimes money rules over the heart, demands attention, needs love and much emotional support.  

  • Beech Tree (Creative) -- has good taste, concerned about its looks, materialistic, good organization of life and career, economical, good leader, takes no unnecessary risks, reasonable, splendid lifetime companion, keen on keeping fit (diets, sports, etc.). Birch Tree (Inspiration) -- vivacious, attractive, elegant, friendly, unpretentious, modest, does not like anything in excess, abhors the vulgar, loves life in nature and in calm, not very passionate, full of imagination, little ambition, creates a calm and content atmosphere. 

  • Cedar Tree (Confidence) -- of rare strength, knows how to adapt, likes unexpected presents, of good health, not in the least shy, tends to look down on others, self-confident, a great speaker, determined, often impatient, likes to impress others, has many talents, industrious, healthy optimism, waits for the one true love, able to make quick decisions.  

  • Chestnut Tree (Honesty) -- of unusual stature, impressive, well-developed sense of justice, fun to be around, a planner, born diplomat, can be irritated easily, sensitive of others feelings, hard worker, sometimes acts superior, feels not understood at times, fiercely family oriented, very loyal in love, physically fit.  

  • Cypress Tree (Faithfulness) -- strong, muscular, adaptable, takes what life has to give but doesn't necessarily like it, strives to be content, optimistic, wants to be financially independent, wants love and affection, hates loneliness, passionate lover which cannot be satisfied, faithful, quick-tempered at times, can be unruly and careless, loves to gain knowledge, needs to be needed.  

  • Elm Tree (Noble-mindedness) -- pleasant shape, tasteful clothes, modest demands, tends not to forgive mistakes, cheerful, likes to lead but not to obey, honest and faithful partner, likes making decisions for others, noble-minded, generous, good sense of humor, practical. Fig Tree (Sensibility) -- very strong minded, a bit self-willed, honest, loyal, independent, hates contradiction or arguments, hard worker when wants to be, loves life and friends, enjoys children and animals, sexually oriented, great sense of humor, has artistic talent and great intelligence.  

  • Fir tree (Mysterious) -- extraordinary taste, handles stress well, loves anything beautiful, stubborn, tends to care for those close to them, hard to trust others, yet a social butterfly, likes idleness and laziness after long demanding hours at work, rather modest, talented, unselfish, many friends, very reliable. 

  • Hazelnut Tree (Extraordinary) -- charming, sense of humor, very demanding but can also be very understanding, knows how to make a lasting impression, active fighter for social causes and politics, popular, quite moody, sexually oriented, honest, a perfectionist, has a precise sense of judgment and expects complete fairness.

  • Hornbeam Tree (Good Taste) -- of cool beauty, cares for its looks and condition, good taste, is not egoistic, makes life as comfortable as possible, leads a reasonable and disciplined life, looks for kindness and acknowledgment in an emotional partner, dreams of unusual lovers, is seldom happy with its feelings, people, is never sure of its decisions, very conscientious.! Lime Tree (Doubt) - intelligent, hard working, accepts what life dishes out, but not before trying to change bad circumstances into good ones, hates fighting and stress, enjoys getaway vacations, may appear tough, but is actually soft and relenting, always willing to make sacrifices for family and friends, has many talents but not always enough time to use them, great leadership qualities, is jealous at times but extremely loyal.  

  • Maple Tree (Independence of Mind)! -- no ordinary person, full of imagination and originality, shy and reserved, ambitious, proud, self-confident, hungers for new experiences, sometimes nervous, has many complexities, good memory, learns easily, complicated love life, wants to impress.  

  • Oak Tree (Brave) -- robust nature, courageous, strong, unrelenting, independent, sensible, does not like change, keeps its feet on the ground, person of action. Olive Tree (Wisdom) -- loves sun, warmth and kind feelings, reasonable, balanced, avoids aggression and violence , tolerant, cheerful, calm, well-developed sense of justice, sensitive, empathetic, free of jealousy, loves to read and the company of sophisticated people.

  • Pine Tree (Peacemaker) -- loves agreeable company, craves peace and harmony, loves to help others, active imagination, likes to write poetry, not fashion conscious, great compassion, friendly to all, falls strongly in love but will leave if betrayed or lied to, emotionally soft, low self esteem, needs affection and reassurance.  

  • Poplar Tree (Uncertainty) -- looks very decorative, talented, not very self-confident, extremely courageous if necessary, needs goodwill and pleasant surroundings, very choosy, often lonely, great animosity, great artistic nature, good organizer, tends to lean toward philosophy, reliable in any situation, takes partnership seriously.  

  • Rowan Tree! (Sensitivity) -- full of charm, cheerful, gifted without egoism, likes to draw attention, loves life, motion, unrest, and even complications, is both dependent and independent, good taste, artistic, passionate, emotional, good company, does not forgive.  

  • Walnut Tree (Passion) -- unrelenting, strange and full of contrasts, often egotistic, aggressive, noble, broad horizon, unexpected reactions, spontaneous, unlimited ambition, no flexibility, difficult and uncommon partner, not always liked but often admired, ingenious strategist, very jealous and passionate, no compromise. 

  • Weeping Willow (Melancholy) - likes to be stress free, loves family life, full of hopes and dreams, attractive, very empathetic, loves anything beautiful, musically inclined, loves to travel to exotic places, restless, capricious, honest, can be influenced but is not easy to live with when pressured, sometimes demanding, good intuition, suffers in love until they find that one loyal, steadfast partner; loves to make others laugh.

Thursday, August 10, 2006


We are one with the cosmos whether we realize it or not. Realizing it, though, quickens our spiritual energy and allows us access to higher realms. In those higher realms lies the awareness that we are more than just finite physical beings living one life in one place at one point in time. Connecting with this awareness is to awaken to the truth and take a step forward, and upward, on our soul's journey. This upward movement is known as ascension because the more we remember who we are and embody that truth, the higher our energy vibrates; we ascend up the scale from the gross physical plane to the subtle spiritual plane. As we ascend, we gain consciousness of the more subtle aspects of our being, with the ultimate outcome being a complete identification with the light body, an experience of unification with the cosmos. As you look around you, you will see that many people are not even interested in these ideas. Others are open and paying attention. Still others have devoted their lives to deepening their understanding of the truth. All these people are on the path of ascension, but they will ascend at different rates. Each soul chooses its own path. The more devoted a person is to remembering and being guided by spirit, the more quickly the soul will ascend. These people are at the forefront of an important process of raising the energetic vibration of the whole planet. The earth, made of the same energy we are, is undergoing this shift along with us. This evolutionary process, while seemingly chaotic at times, is as natural as the process that unfolds a flower from a seed and we are all part of it. It shouldn't be forgotten that the earth too is on her own ascension path as she is sentient. The best way to support this process in yourself and in the world is simply to relax and be open to its unfolding. Listen to your inner guidance, and let it guide you to the path that brings your heart the most joy.

Wednesday, August 9, 2006


My soul drifts aimlessly in times of hopelessness.
It searches tirelessly for meaning and truth...
Yet finds no direction.
My heart bleeds quietly in times of loneliness.
It yearns to find warmth and happiness...
Yet it somehow eludes me.
My eyes seek out visions in times of want.
They gaze endlessly through the blackness that envelops them...
Yet they cannot see the light.
My ears listen earnestly in times of silence.
They search for familiar sounds to comfort and console...
Yet they cannot penetrate the darkness that surrounds me.
My arms reach out frantically in times of despair.
They seek strength and compassion to enfold me...
Yet they find nothing substantial to enwrap.
My mind cries out desperately in times of solitude.
It poses intense questions that demand answers...
Yet there are none to be found.
...despair I feel...

Tuesday, August 8, 2006


As the song goes, ‘pussy real good, that pussy real good; that pussy off the chain…’ interesting how women use the vagina to get what they want. Even funnier how as GAY man the pussy is one organ that doesn’t mean a FUCK to me…I love how women act as if the pussy they have is GOLD or something and the typical man would sell his mother for slice of the self cleaning organ.

It’s like an evil shadow across their brain makes men go insane. Women uses their pussy as bargaining chips to satisfy their needs and wants; diamonds, pearls a brand new car…The pussy is her best friend, she keeps it real and why shouldn’t it be, it pays her bills. Mothers know of the power of pussy that they fear for theirs Sons very lives…Talk about 'PUSSY POWER' I remember when I had the ‘PUSSY ITCH’ I tried to get rid of it nightly, I take my medicine and sleep the day away as time passes fast funny how fast the time passes as I try to mask my depression and unhappiness between a females leg not for grief but for the ability to breathe. I can remember laying flat on my back in my cell-like room where the darkness looms and the shadows bruise my sanity as I lose to the demons of memory I begin to crave and fiend for dick lick my lips kiss death in thought.

9” PLEASE soothing to silence the screams which arrive daily right on time as time passes. I am dealing with mental lashings this sickness is attacking creating mind madness because I am caught up in the ‘PUSSY POWER’ I find that engaging in the squishy act of stupid sex with pussy is basically like going to the toilet from the front side. Only losers FUCK pussy, everyone knows that only fags do it because vaginas are totally gay!

It would be wonderful if men could ignore their raging hormones and burning drive to…fondle, suckle, and thrust furiously into a hot gooey pit of creamy-soft fleshy ecstasy. They should keep their groinal giblets inside their underwear and punch those sweaty bits into submission whenever they drip with desire. Fucking pussy is wasting the ‘SCARED MILK’ unless it is inside of some hot GUY! Pussy can cost a man to catch a brain-rotting STD…"Finger Herpes" from "feeling up" the nasty dirty girlie holes. Pussy is used to make babies that cost you to blow your whole salary on diapers and a stroller instead of G-STRIPS of that hot MALE stripper @ the club.

I know that my existence pose a threat to those that use their ‘PUSSY POWER’ funny when I think about a woman has two available holes that suppose to give pleasure and I don’t want any part of it. Funny how pussy has no power with me, funny how pussy can’t never be as satisfying as a D!CK, so to the members of the ‘PUSSY POWER’ club I am here to tell you that you have no power…D!CKS RULE!

Monday, August 7, 2006


Gossip seeps through every crack and crevices in this small town of Nassau and in the GAY COMMUNITY IT IS THE WORST! I call it the ‘BARBIE GOSSIP’, this gossip is entertainment for most sissies, but for me it sucks! And so it is same old story…Boy meet boy, boy dates boy and the chatter can’t seem to stop! First there are the, this is who you dating questions followed by no you can’t because he is this n’ that. Damn makes a sissy feel like a celebrity! How unhappy can people be that they have to try and destroy something before it begins? How can they not realize that their behavior is destructive and poison? How can they not realize that I don’t give a FUCK? The barbies hear a tidbit of information about somebody they may know or not, and they take that info and build a story around it in their heads. Then they tell their friends this info, and their friends add even more false info to the story and spread that around, until the whole community is buzzing about who I am dating. One would think that these folks would realize that once gossip starts there's no stopping it. Gossip and rumors will grow and grow until everybody is talking about everybody else and no one is safe. Idle gossip has a way of taking on a life all of its own, so by the time the message reaches the tenth person in the chain of people who are informed, the piece of news can be exaggerated, elaborated upon, and lose its meaning in transition, but worst of all, this could eventually find its way back to the person who has now become a victim of gossip. And when that occurs me, the victim wonder, how did this even come about? My solution to this is to just let it go and realize that the gossip will soon dissolve. I have made a decision that I will live my life comes what may, I will not be afraid to step into the unknown and face what is there for me. Too many times I have allowed myself to be deterred from someone because of what others say, I am not a kid anymore; I am a MAN. As a man I will make bold moves, step outside the norms of society and do my thing. I sit and wonder as GOSSIP is being passed onto me and thinks why can’t you find out what is going on first before you decide to bad mouth someone? Why can’t you seek to understand then be understood? Why is this any of your business? I will tell you why, I feel that when persons see others forging ahead despite themselves and life it scares them. I feel that chaos is oxygen they breathe and bullshit is what they spit out in return. I never expected to be liked by ‘the peanut gallery’ but for GOD’s sake leave things be. I appreciate what you might have to say, but why say it especially if you don’t know me or even care to? How can you be objective when I know you have a hidden agenda? How stupid do you think I am? Gossip can hurt us all, but there is nothing wrong with confiding in the pages of one's diary or journal. And although it might not yield the excitement you would expect from divulging a piece of news to a friend, it will remain right where you have placed it, unless someone decides to invade your privacy by reading it, but that's another column for another day.

Sunday, August 6, 2006


An aggressive little girl, with three grey hairs on her va-jay-jay dressed in an expensive white dress with matching shoes with her hairdo and manicured and painted fingernails making her look like a miniature beauty queen, lots of ghosts, a lot of lesbian ghosts. During the night, she had a dream where she decided to go to a church. She began to look around for a chapel in which she could pray. The outer hallway of the building was well appointed with marble and fine woods. She knew she was in the belly of the beast

The clouds had cleared away and the afternoon winter sun was casting long shadows; and she was feeling things she had never felt before. What do I do she thought? She couldn’t talk to her mom about it, she couldn’t talk to her pastor and she didn’t want to find some man to take care of her problem. Her insides were churning as each second went by and there seemed no relief in sight. It was as if her va-jay-jay knew of a secret that it wasn’t about to share. Unknowing Mr. Dildo was passing her way and knew that look on her face; in fact he could sense the beating of her heart in her vagina.

Removing her clothing humbled her, yet the closer she got to her nakedness she felt sad and relived. The conflicting emotions left her with a background feeling of depression. Sometimes, in the midst of undressing, she would stop and sit, reflecting on her innocence for it was about to be no more. Then she remembered that strange vivid dreams which made rips in her depression. In the dreams, she would find herself in this same situation; but this time it was different. Her dreams were normally bland and uninteresting, but in this reality she would finally get to become a woman. She looked over at her teddy bear sitting comfortably in an easy chair in the room. The bear seemed to be looking up at her with a sympathetic smile. At that moment she knew that she had to do, there was no turning back; it’s all or nothing. She whimsically grabbed the dildo and she slid her nude body and the dildo under the covers and became a woman.

***for DAVEY***

Saturday, August 5, 2006


WE ARE TWO UNIQUE INDIVIDUAL CHILDREN OF GOD, WHOSE FATE WAS PRE-DESTINED...WE WALK THIS PATH TOGETHER. NEITHER ONE OF US IS PERFECT, BUT WE ARE PERFECT FOR EACH OTHER! The phrase the butterfly effect refers to the idea that a butterfly's wings might create tiny changes in the atmosphere that ultimately cause a tornado to appear (or, for that matter, prevent a tornado from appearing). The flapping wing represents a small change in the initial condition of the system, which causes a chain of events leading to large-scale phenomena. Had the butterfly not flapped its wings, the trajectory of the system might have been vastly different. Hence the butterflies that I feel in my stomach are indicators of change and a sign of a LOVE that come nestle with me once more.

I am filled with feelings of joy and happiness, it's like I am living off if I am love. I have no appetite to eat when he isn't there...crazy huh? But I don't care, he is all that I think about and all that I need. I can't even think about my favourite love songs without getting all choked up and my eyes filled with water. I long to tell him the the words that I been holding inside of me for so long, the words that I wanted to say to only HIM. I know that once I do that there is no turning back, I have to face love and I won't be able to run from it.

It's so strange how I don't care, I am not gonna run this time...I want to see this through. If it last for a day, a year...5 years I don't care. I love him and its so strong, its crazy. I find myself waiting for the other shoe to drop, for the moment when the egg ends up on my face...DAMN THESE BUTTERFLIES! I know that I want him to be my lifetime not just a seasonal love, I want him to be my forever.

Friday, August 4, 2006


There is an innate awkwardness to being human. With each decision we make, there is the potential for self-doubt and it is this-self doubt that forms the root of insecurity-a complex emotion that is a mix of equal parts inadequacy, isolation, fear and hopelessness. Yet these feelings of insecurity that prevent us from fulfilling our potential by inducing us to abide by arbitrary self-limitations are nothing more than erroneous perceptions. We feel unconfident and unsure of ourselves because we judge ourselves to be so. Banishing insecurity is often simply a matter of challenging ourselves in order to prove that we are indeed intelligent and able. When we feel insecure, we not only perceive ourselves as incapable of meeting life's challenges but also fraudulent and unworthy of true happiness. We move through life plagued by a sense that others have judged us and found that we are lacking. As a result, we are robbed of our personal power and rendered unable to feel positive about the choices we make. Everyone feels insecure from time to time because each of us is born into the world with unique strengths. If you should find yourself with feelings of insecurity, however, endeavor to understand its source. Perhaps you were repeatedly berated as a child or seldom receive positive reinforcement in the present. A tendency to withdraw from risk or uncomfortable situations can amplify feelings of insecurity. When you have pin pointed the origin of your insecurity, focus on your abilities. The more you utilize your personal power-by taking risks, boldly facing challenges, and acting decisively-the stronger it will grow. Remember that insecurity is not objective. Rather, it is an emotional interpretation of your value unconsciously based on doubt, shame, and fear. As you overcome those underlying emotions through courageous action and copious self-love, you'll discover that you are capable of achieving more than you ever thought possible.

Thursday, August 3, 2006


The Lord came to me like a dream one day and asked,
why do you sorrow I answered,
Lord my life is so full of pain,
I can't face one more tomorrow.
The Lord sat down beside me,
and gently took my hand.
He said,
Let me explain to you and then you'll understand.
Each sorrow is a stepping stone you must surmount each day,
And every stepping stone you climb is a sorrow that's passed away.
The road of life is a mountainside,
with crevices in which to be caught,
But as you struggle on your way,
I, the Rock, will lend support.
Every stepping stone you climb,
makes spirit and heart grow strong.
Exercising character and faith this road seems painful and long.
The way is paved with stepping stones,
to uplift your heart and soul,
Though difficult they aid your way,
to a City paved with gold.
I know that you are tired,
for I too have walked this way,
My sorrows did they multiply,
but I cleared the stones away.
I left my rock to lift you up, I left behind my story. To give you strength to make your climb, to that special place in glory. And never fear, the Rock is here, You'll never climb alone surmount life's sorrows, continue on, For they are but stepping stones. ...for the hopeless

Wednesday, August 2, 2006


...I know that I have waited a year for you, I know that you don't want me...So why is your soul sad? You tell me that you don't feel that I waited for you, you feel that if I did you would have known but I am sorry it was SO OBVIOUS! ...The boys that I fucked meant nothing to me and you knew it, you loved it, you reveled in the fact that I loved you still despite myself. You even told me that you love what we have, the freedom, the detachments...the fact that there are no expectations on either part. We both shared our bed with the boys that I brought home, you watched me fucked them, watched as I got my dick suck...guess it was the freak in you? ...Now baby it's to late, someone else is in your place; I wanted you to love me but you made me wait and now I cry for you, my soul feels your soul knows your pain. What can I do? What can I say? I know that LOVE came to me again and I won't let him slip away, he is so strong, so the MAN that I would love to raise children with...You can't even share our bed with him, you can sense the LOVE, the CONNECTION that I have with him. I will never forget the first night you saw us together, I wasn't afraid, I was happy that I have found someone that I can show to you and not worry about my hurting you, my bringing you pain......I know it's hard to deal with the fact that someone that you love is loving someone else, that this person will be my all and all...the MAN that I could love above all else. I am sorry you can't love me in this life time, I guess in a next life we will get it right?

Tuesday, August 1, 2006


R. I. P.
Death …The Divine Trinity
My end is eminent
My death is just another path…
One that I must take.
The journey doesn't end there
My haphazardly reality within this shadowy plain has become extinct
The grey rain-curtain of this world rolls back,
Transform to silver glass…
Reveling white shores...and beyond.
The lack of immortality doesn’t hinder MY being
The shell that host the essence is left for those to immortalize
Life and death both cling to me no more
For I am life and death…
We are a divine trinity
© tgk