I AM...

I am whatever YOU think I am until YOU get to KNOW me. This is true for everyone else too, of course.. so don't make assumptions about anyone or pass judgment; ask questions. You might just make a new friend.


Thursday, April 29, 2010


We get so used to lusting after one another because of penis size, ripples on stomachs and the curve of a bubble butt, that we lose sight of all the other equally beautifully persons that don’t fit into that mold. I ALWAYS remember something Judge Judy says on her show and it goes like this, ‘beauty fades, but dumb is forever.’ I ALWAYS tell folks if they think of beauty as something that attracts another, they’ll see that it is the mind that intrigues another and the soul that KEEPS you wanting more. WHAT IS BEAUTY TO YOU?

Wednesday, April 28, 2010


This month on IN THE LIFE they talk to hate crime victims and perpetrators about The Nature of Hate. Followed by a visit with artist Alix Smith, who is traveling the country photographing hundreds of same-sex couples, challenging stereotypes and taking conventional portraiture to a new level.

As has been the case for many social and political minorities in our country, the LGBT community confronts a media landscape effective in spreading misinformation about it. The most radical voices claim that gay and lesbian people are a threat to children, our country, even our way of life. But what many don't realize is that these messages, crafted by a well-resourced media machine, not only inspire bias, but intense hate against LGBT people-hate often leading to violence. In our lead segment, we look at hate-speech and whether, in a nation lacking legal protections for LGBT people, it incites violence against the LGBT community.

Tuesday, April 27, 2010


Last night, you watched RuPaul crown the controversial 21-year-old Orlando native Tyra Sanchez (né James Ross) as America’s Next Drag Superstar on the season finale of RuPaul’s Drag Race. I must say that I wasn't a Tyra fan, but after watching the Reunited Special I must say that he did earned the CONGRATS!

Monday, April 26, 2010


The following article is taken from the local Bahamian site called Bahamas Press. I posted this because I wanted to share the way the ignorant society in the Bahamas see gay men and women. We are NOT people that living and co-existing with each other, we nothing other than SISSIES! I mean a young lady lost her life and that was TOTALLY overlooked and the story was sensationalized to get attention. I know it got mine and this type of journalism isn't anything new, but I had to post this nonetheless...

Nassau, Bahamas — A sissy women brawl last night had turned deadly and now police are investigating an apparent vehicular homicide, which we classify as murder #114 since 2009.

BP has learned that sometime around 4:20 a.m. into the wee hours of this morning, police were called to Gladstone Road in the area of a known sissy joint called, the ‘Garage Night Club’ where they were told a major fight to the death had erupted.  Police were told the fight concluded when a vehicle, which was driven by another sissy woman who fled the scene of the rock and bottle session, as she struck the female.

Our deep throat on the RBPF said, “We have located a blue 2008 Toyota Corolla, which is believed to be the vehicle involved in this incident. And is now questioning at least one person believed to be the owner of the car. What a sad and terrible way to die BP.”

Investigators who responded also said the scene was bloody as the young girl’s lifeless body was clad in blue short pants; white T-Shirt and a green shirt. She had just exited the place with her new lover about to engage in session fun and frolic, eyewitnesses said.

We are told the male sissies were too afraid to join the fight and protect the deceased woman. We are also told many of them were too busy snatched up with their own partners despite the serious situation at hand.

My goodness, what wutlessness! They have no shame.

Sunday, April 25, 2010


So every week I write something about religion and how it hurts us human beings and EVERY week I get asked, ‘aren’t you tired of bashing religion?’ Well you know the answer to that question right? How can I NOT rail against the ‘well’ oiled machine that’s religion? They’ve become EXCESSIVELY critical towards others, they’ve been going in the wrong direction for eons and are VERY good @ pointing out faults in EVERYTHING that they deem is NOT of their ‘god.’

There is good and bad in every group, but have any of you ever noticed a single time the church has SERIOUSLY spoken publicly about crimes against us, or tried to understand who we are, simply because we don’t live the lives their ‘god’ wants us to live? HELL NO! And in my humble opinion, they are the BIGGEST factor working against gay men AND women as an ‘identified’ group. We’ve been vilified, called all sorts of things that are demeaning and hurtful, so how can I/we just NOT say anything against that? I know that religion won’t ever let up and that’s the unfortunately reality, so as public enemy NO.1, we MUST take responsibility for OUR spirituality by being HONEST enough to chastise the negativity that is religion and ACCEPT who we are as men and women WITH EQUAL FUROR! Who knows you better than you?

For TOO long the mind and spirit of gay folks has been weakened and broken and the internal struggle to become ourselves without succumbing to religious pressure is near IMPOSSIBLE! Religion has made us blind deaf AND dumb followers and we have ONLY ourselves to blame. A man standing on an altar deemed ‘holy’ need NOT be our judge N’ jury, he did NOT create us so he CANNOT tell us how his ‘god’ feels we should exist on this planet. So my weekly rants are all about developing an anti-venom for the poison we have been fed AND regaining our former glory. WE MUST FIGHT THIS INFECTED WOUND THAT HAS BEEN INFLICTED UPON US & EVENTUALLY WE WILL BREAK THE FORCES OF RELIGIOUS OPPRESSION THAT IS US KEEPING DOWN!

Saturday, April 24, 2010


"In the End" is a song by American rock band Linkin Park. The song was released as the fourth single from their debut album Hybrid Theory. The song's concept is mainly based on one person's failure. It is considered symbolic of an ending relationship, however, it can also represent broken trust in a once long-lasting friendship.

"In the End" is Linkin Park's most well known and successful song, appearing in the top ten in most charts it appeared in, reaching as high as #2 on the Billboard Hot 100. It also reached number one on the Z100 Top 100 songs of 2002 countdown. This song also ranked at #121 in Blender magazine's The 500 Greatest Songs Since You Were Born.[1] The song is Billboard's 2nd most played rock song of the decade.

Critical reception: "In the End" was generally very well received by contemporary rock music critics.'s Mike Ross referred to the song by stating: "It's too bad, really. In the vast tar pits of the rap-metal genre, a few good bands emerge - yet still may be branded as "just another rap metal band"."[2]

Stephanie Dickison, in a review for PopMatters, characterized the song as "Barrington's strong notes are as good as any seasoned rockstar during: 'I tried so hard / And got so far / But in the end / It doesn't even matter / I had to fall / TO lose it all / But in the end / It doesn't even matter'."[3] (Although she said "Barrington" she was actually referring to Chester Bennington. She also made another mistake in the review, stating that, like Fred Durst, Chester had an excellent rhythmic rapping ability, when it is actually Mike Shinoda who raps).

Music video: The music video for "In the End" was shot at various stops along the 2001 Ozzfest tour and was directed by Nathan "Karma" Cox and the band's DJ Joe Hahn, who would go on to direct many of Linkin Park's future videos (the two also directed the music video for "Papercut").[5][6] Although the background for the "In the End" video was filmed in a California desert, the band itself performed on a studio stage in Los Angeles, with prominent CGI effects and compositing being used to create the finished version. Performing on a studio stage allowed Hahn and Cox to set off water pipes above the stage near the end and drench the band.[6]

The music video takes place in a fantasy setting and uses massive CGI animation. The band performs atop a giant statue, which has a 'winged soldier' on top of it, which is similar looking to the 'winged soldier' on the cover artwork of Linkin Park's Hybrid Theory album.

The portions where Mike Shinoda raps first take place in a wasteland with thorny vines sprouting out of the ground, surrounding him and shattering into dust (first verse) and then grass and plants sprouting up around him (second verse). During the time Mike raps his verses, Chester stands atop a platform with gargoyles on the edges. This platform is in front of a door in the shape of a trapezoid. Near the end of the video, the skies turn dark and it begins to rain, and the band performs in the downpour until the end of the song, where the rain stops and the camera pans away from the tower, showing the wasteland where Shinoda had rapped in is now a lush Greenland. During the rain the statues on the tower begin to move.

The video was co-directed by Nathan "Karma" Cox and LP's turntablist Joe Hahn (who have also directed the videos for "Pts.Of.Athrty", "Papercut", "What I've Done", "Bleed It Out", "Shadow of the Day", and "Leave Out All the Rest)".[5] The production design was by Patrick Tatopoulos who helped design and oversee the production of the non-CGI set. It won the "Best Rock Video" at the 2002 MTV Awards.[7]

A strange-looking whale can be seen flying around the large statue during most of the video, specifically at the end of the video. The whale in the video was Joe Hahn's idea. He has been quoted as saying, "It's not like I pulled it out of my ass; it made sense to me." The reasoning behind its inclusion is still unknown. The whale could be identified as a "space whale" which takes the concept that life (or time) is too short for one to absorb all its mass surroundings.

Many fans of the Legend of Zelda video game series have noted similarities between the whale in the video and the 'Wind Fish' character from The Legend of Zelda: Link's Awakening. However, there is no evidence to support the design of Linkin Park's whale was a tribute to the game, and appears to be coincidental.

Although there is a keyboard loop in this song, the video does not show Mike, who is a pianist in the group, or anyone else playing a keyboard in any scene of the video. However, Joe Hahn is shown using a MIDI pad to emulate the piano loop at the end.

When I listen to the lyrics of this song the word ‘failure’ comes to mind. Few things in the universe are black and white, yet much of our language reads as if they are. This song signifies a paradigm in which all subtlety is lost. When we regard life as something we’ve failed @, we lose our ability to see the truth, which is no doubt considerably more complex. In addition, we hurt ourselves. @ Some point, the word will NOT be SO loaded with the weight of negativity, and as the song says, ‘in the end it doesn’t really matter,’ this simply refers to life NOT going according to OUR plans. So when you hear the lyrics of this song, know that you are under the influence of an outmoded way of perceiving the world.

Thursday, April 22, 2010


So today is ‘Earth Day’ and I can’t help but feel sorry for us because we dedicate just ONE day to place we’ve lived our ENTIRE lives! This day is seen in the SAME vain as going to church on Sunday…we pat ourselves on our collective backs so that we can feel better about sinning against the earth. Every last one of us knows that we need to do a better job of taking care of our planet, but very few of us are willing to take individual responsibility to make significant changes that can begin to make a difference.

The earth is in greater peril than ever, but there is also unprecedented opportunity to build a new future. Earth Day has the power to bring about historic advances in climate policy, renewable energy and green jobs and catalyze millions who make personal commitments to sustainability. My suggestion for we earthlings would be for each of us to ask:

Are glaciers disappearing?

Is the number of earthquakes on the rise?

Which natural disaster shortened Earth’s days?
Are we willing to make even some small change for something we know to be important?
Can you focus your time and money on things that will really make a difference instead of sweating the small stuff or feeling like there's no point in making any change unless you take a huge leap?

Wednesday, April 21, 2010


I’ve resigned myself to the fact persons within this society will FOREVER show their ignorance when it comes to homosexuality. However, there are moments when I forget that they are unaware and the things that come out of their mouths just stop me in my tracks. Most of things that are being said are by females and now that I think about it, I smile because it MUST burn them SO much that there are men out there who want NOTHING from them on a personal sexual level.

So the other day I was having a conversation with a female co-worker about persons passing the CPA exam on the first try and she told me that she know of one person that did it. Before she started to tell about how this person achieved such a feat, she HAD TO let me he was ***. I thought to myself what does that have to do with the conversation @ hand? I knew the guy she was talking about and I thought to myself that NO matter what accomplishments you achieve, if you are GAY you will ALWAYS be seen as such. Talk about being just an educated GAY slave!

I don’t know about you, BUT I AM TIRED OF BEING ONE OF THE MOST MIS-CALCULATED ASSUMPTIONS IN THIS WORLD! Do you think that GAY men and women who receive degrees under this cloak of academic competence should be bound to struggle to "find themselves" because society does not care to know who we really are? Dealing with such persons can cause GREAT internal turmoil, even after reaching financial comfort. This type of mental and intellectual void can cause one to be an eternal slave to a society that does not have our interest @ heart.

How can we NOT willingly betray our own and hide ourselves JUST to be rewarded with acceptance from them? Isn’t it SO like us to value those that hold us down while they CONSISTENTLY label us as the 'minority,' though there are more of us out there than we would/could ever know? When a GAY person is NEVER given the chance to be him/herself, the degrees we obtain is just the beginning of mental deterioration and intellectual incompetence even though that is NOT the case. In light of all this, we need to continue to excel in living the best lives possible, not just academically but spiritually, mentally and socially. In so doing we are able to rail against the evil that is being perpetuated against us, since being educated men AND women just make us sinners with degrees! Even though I am ALWAYS aware that any effort to correct this way of belief will be vigorously fought and opposed, TOTAL liberation is @ hand, but it has to come about with a COLLECTIVE CONSCIOUSNESS! And that starts with the present reader.

Tuesday, April 20, 2010


You’ve probably done it; you’re driving home late at night feeling disappointed – or worse.. Maybe you’re pounding the steering wheel and shouting at yourself. You just finished sex with someone and you’re sorry you did it. 

You know the bumper sticker that says that the worst day at the beach is better than the best day at the office? Well, this is not true about sex. It’s better to stay hungry and horny rather than have sex that leaves you feeling bad about yourself. Good sex means sex that feels enjoyable while you’re having it, and equally good when you think about it afterwards.

Bad sex comes in several flavors, but the all taste pretty bad. You know it’s bad if you feel like you just wasted your time, or like you did something that hurt yourself or someone else. And if the sex is bad, why bother having it?

The main mistakes people make are:

1. The sex was all right, but it was with the wrong guy.

In this instance, there was nothing wrong with the physical acts involved – the sucking, fucking and whatever else felt technically OK. But there was something about the guy or the situation that made it really not work for you.

Maybe one of you was hoping for a friendly encounter (or more) and the other one was brutally frank that this was just about getting off, thank you very much. If you reserve f*cking for someone you love and you do it with someone you find you don’t even like all that much, your butt may be happy, but your heart won’t be. If you’re single and looking for love, sport-f*cking can leave your emotions raw and take a toll on your self-esteem.

If you leave feeling wounded or feeling like you’ve wounded the other guy, the sex was bad, no matter how much of a hunk your partner might have been.

Other situations that make it not work: you’re cheating on your lover and you feel guilty afterwards. Or you and your sex partner match up in terms of availability, but the guy is thoughtless or rude in a way that leaves you feeling bad about yourself afterwards. Or maybe you just have no interest in the guy and realize you weren’t really horny – you were just avoiding some chore like paying the bills at home. A good rule of thumb is to save sex for when you’re horny or wanting intimate connection with another person – not when you’re just bored.

2. Both the sex and the guy were awful.

We’re not talking bad technique here. You picked up the guy when you were high or drunk, even though you know that’s a problem for you, and now you feel like it was just another time when you were out of control. Maybe the guy was so hot that you gave in and had sex that you know was risky and unsafe and now you’re worrying about HIV or some other STD.

Some sex is really, really bad – when you’ve been assaulted, for instance. Maybe you are feeling violated because what happened was essentially date rape. Too often men think rape is something that happens only to women. They don’t recognize that having someone not take no for an answer is also a form of sexual assault, even if no one pulled a knife or a gun. Men who are drunk or high or who are just coming out can be particularly vulnerable to this sort of assault because they have trouble setting limits. Learning to say no and learning to protect yourself is important. The woods aren’t full of creeps, but hey: be careful out there.

3. The sex and the guy seemed OK, but the time afterwards was icky.

We can spend so much time working toward that orgasm that we don’t pay enough attention to what happens afterwards. Put yourself in that place: you’re still breathing hard, and your body is in a tingly, electric place. All of a sudden, your stud muffin is out of bed and on to whatever is next. If you’re having good sex, when the squirting stops you are entering a time that sexologists call afterglow. It’s a time when your heart is open and your body is awake, your mind is quiet and your spirit is soaring. You’re feeling open and maybe vulnerable and with the right guy it’s a very sweet time.

If you’re having bad sex, one of you is probably rushing to the bathroom to clean up right about now, destroying the mood and implying that the lovely puddle of cum on your belly is actually some sort of toxic waste. Good sex honors that semen. Even if you are a neat freak, don’t be in such a rush that you leave your partner feeling dirty afterwards.

Of course in really bad sex someone may not be rushing for the bathroom – they may be running for the front door. When it’s over, it’s over! Nothing to say and no touching or holding. It can feel like listening to a piece of music that gets interrupted before the final notes are played. You’re left hanging.

Orgasms are nice (OK, orgasms are great), but they are not the sum total of sex – especially good sex. Good sex means that getting there is more than half the fun, and staying there afterwards is also pretty cool.

How to avoid bad sex?

First, resist the urge to cruise when you aren’t really horny. Using sex as a time-filler sets you up for disappointment. Learn to say “no” when the chemistry with your potential partner isn’t working; don’t have sex just to avoid disappointing him (believe it or not, people do that all the time). Know your limits regarding alcohol, drugs, unprotected sex and related stuff, and honor the limits you set for yourself. You’ll feel good afterwards.

And finally, when you are having sex and it’s going fine, don’t cheat yourself out of enjoying the coming-in-for-a-landing time after the big orgasm. Treat yourself and your partner with tenderness and respect.

Monday, April 19, 2010


The most likely place to meet your mate is no longer the office; it’s the Internet — especially if you’re shopping for a same-sex love. A recent university study found 61% of gay and lesbian couple participants met their mate online.

The Stanford sociology study focused on couples who met and became involved in the last two years. Of the couples interviewed, 23% of hetero mates had met online, while lesbian and gay couples studied reported almost triple that percentage utilized online dating to find each other.

A 2008 Harris Poll also showed that LGBT people are more steadfast Internet users than straights. About 75% of the LGBT participants surveyed were classified as heavy Internet users, while only 59% of heterosexual participants were found to be heavy Web users.

TELL ME: Why do you think LGBT individuals are more present on the Internet? Where did you meet your current or most recent flame?

Sunday, April 18, 2010


The following is a post that Jerry Maneker wrote close to a year ago that I think is worth repeating, particularly given the fact that we must take the offensive and bring this fight for equal rights to the homophobe, rather than being defensive and merely seek to show people why Gay people deserve the same civil rights that heterosexuals enjoy:

In his book, “In Our Time,” Eric Hoffer who was an excellent philosopher, was self-educated, blind for the first fifteen years of his life, and became a migrant worker and then a longshoreman, wrote the following:

“In the alchemy of man’s soul almost all noble attributes—courage, honor, love, hope, faith, duty, loyalty—can be transmuted into ruthlessness. Compassion alone stands apart from the continuous traffic between good and evil within us. Compassion is the antitoxin of the soul: Where there is com-passion even the most poisonous impulses remain relatively harmless. Thus the survival of the species may well depend on the ability to foster a boundless capacity for compassion.”

So many in the
United States (and elsewhere) lack that essential emotion, “compassion,” that will help ensure the survival of the species! Indeed, the hostility visited upon LGBT people is a very strong indicator in our time of that deficiency!

All sorts of rationalizations have been trotted out by the ignorant and/or hatefully homophobic to try and justify discrimination against LGBT people, ranging from “maintaining traditional family values” to linking Gay people with pedophiles to causing all sorts of societal calamities. The very irrationality of their arguments in favor of deprivation of civil rights to LGBT people both bespeaks lack of compassion as it bespeaks gullibility and/or lack of compassion of those who take their rhetoric seriously.

In his book, “The Passionate State of Mind And Other Aphorisms,” Hoffer states:

“Passions usually have their roots in that which is blemished, crippled, incomplete and insecure within us. The passionate attitude is less a response to stimuli from without than an emanation of an inner dissatisfaction.

“A poignant dissatisfaction, whatever be its cause, is at bottom a dissatisfaction with ourselves. It is surprising how much hardship and humiliation a man will endure without bitterness when he has not the least doubt about his worth or when he is so integrated with others that he is not aware of a separate self.”

And it is to this phenomenon every person who possesses both a critical intellect and the necessary emotion of “compassion” must turn to help understand why there are some homophobes who make their homophobia something like a career. So many spend an inordinate amount of time condemning God’s LGBT children, and one must understand that their animus ultimately resides, not in the object of their hatred, but in their own psyches that betrays their blemishes, crippled natures, incompleteness, and insecurities.

After all, if someone is emotionally and sexually intact, why would there be a need for their obsessive condemnation of other consenting adults’ emotional/sexual orientations?

How is same-sex marriage, for example, going to adversely affect anyone’s heterosexual marriage? Is there anyone who can give a reasonable answer to that question?

Clearly, there can be no rational answer to that rhetorical question! If anything, same-sex marriage will enhance the institution of marriage!

Indeed, increasing legitimacy will accrue to the institution of marriage the more people partake of its rights, privileges, and responsibilities. So, people who are genuinely concerned with the future of the institution of marriage should be working to minimize divorce and encourage same-sex couples who wish to make a lifetime commitment to each other to marry!

Yet, we have many religious (and secular) people who try and prevent same-sex couples from partaking of the very institution from which they benefit, thereby encouraging fornication as one of their prejudices’ byproducts, and they even have the temerity to claim the right to discriminate in the name of God. So, would they have us believe that God would prefer fornication over marriage among Gay people?

Can they be that clueless that they could reasonably expect that Gay people can, should, and must lead celibate lives while only heterosexuals can and should fulfill one of human beings’ most primal urges?

The irrationality of homophobic rhetoric shows a clear deficiency on the part of homophobes regarding their level of “compassion,” as it does their clear dissatisfaction with their own lot in life! Why else spend such an inordinate amount of time thinking about and condemning the emotional/sexual lives of others?

Emotionally and sexually intact people aren’t particularly concerned with the emotional and sexual lives of other adults! They are likely to have a “live and let live” approach to such matters!

However, when someone has an inordinate fascination with condemning others, that condemnation betrays an emotional deficiency that makes compassion very difficult, if not impossible, to have or sustain.

And if a Christian (or any other decent person) can be characterized by any one characteristic, that characteristic is “compassion!”

Christians are to be agents of God’s grace in this world; we are to preach and live out the Gospel of grace, faith, love, peace, reconciliation, and inclusiveness! And those who condemn others, those who seek to deprive others of civil rights, those who help create a climate of fear and hatred of others, have shown by their words and/or deeds that they are neither Christians nor even decent people!

We are to make no mistake: homophobes are absolutely no different in their mind-set and in their emotional deficiencies than were and are White Supremacists! Both groups partake of the need to discriminate and hate in order for the awareness of their own emotional deficiencies to be overridden by their condemnation of others!

“Condemnation” acts as an imperfect and temporary band-aid to help heal the haters’ own emotional woundedness, a woundedness that they don’t have the courage to bring themselves to face, confront, and overcome! So, they take the coward’s way out and, rather than deal with “the beam in their own eye,” they feel the need to manufacture a beam in a minority group whom they perceive it is safe to persecute.

And when that particular minority group is no longer considered safe to persecute, they will search for another minority group upon which to vent their anger, an anger borne of their own emotional deficiencies that they cloak in religious trappings, so that they can try and stake a claim on “godliness,” “virtue” and “morality” when, in fact, their own rhetoric and actions show them to manifest the greatest form of ungodliness, lack of virtue, and immorality: the sin of pride in their oppression of others!

Jesus never condemned Gay people, but He sure spent quite a bit of time condemning the proud, the haughty, the legalists who condemned and discriminated against others and put yokes of bondage onto others, all the while claiming to impose those yokes in the name of God.

If haters didn’t have an object to hate, they would be forced to confront their own emotional blemishes, crippled natures, incompleteness, insecurities, deficiencies and frailties. And that is the last thing a moral coward feels he/she can afford to do!

Saturday, April 17, 2010


"Love Is" is the title of a 1993 duet released by Vanessa Williams and Brian McKnight. The single originally appeared on the soundtrack to the TV drama series, Beverly Hills, 90210. Although the song did not appear in that series, it did appear in the 90210 spinoff series, Melrose Place. After this exposure, the song peaked at number three on the Billboard Hot 100, becoming McKnight's breakthrough hit and another hit for Williams. The song peaked at number one on the adult contemporary chart, where it spent three weeks at the summit. There were two different versions released to radio, the more common mix includes energetic electric guitar performing the solo in the bridge; an alternate lesser known mix, presents melodic solo piano at the bridge. The edit version was that of the guitar mix, which presented a fade out during the second of the two ending chorus refrains.

Thursday, April 15, 2010


So I was having a conversation with a guy I used to have sex with recently. When I met him I knew he had HIV...there was something about his energy that made me believe so. He had a that died of  meningitis to the brain which was a result from HIV complications. He told me that he had NO idea what caused his lover to die even though EVERYONE knew what he died from! He also told me that he hadn't been tested for more than 5 years because he didn't want to know and that he was afraid to find out. So me being me I decided that I wanted to show him that it was still possible for him to be intimate with another. And after that I kept getting on him about getting tested and he finally gave in and confirmed what I knew and thought he didn't...So he and I was having a conversation about another person that passed on due the same thing that happened to his lover. He told me how the guy stopped taking his meds and just gave up, so I asked him if he ever thought about doing the same and he told me, 'the doctor asked me if I wanted to end up like my lover ' (who was in the hospital bed @ the time)? He said that he told him NO! So then I asked him if the meds he is taking now is the same as he was taking back then and he told me NO! Which means he lied to me about knowing about his status...and I know that I decided to take him on even though I knew had HIV, but do you think I should call him out for lying about not knowing when it was clear he knew he had the disease or should I let that sleeping dog lie?

Wednesday, April 14, 2010


Isn’t it funny how life sometimes causes you to remember to forget, but never forget to forget? I came upon this first-hand a few weeks ago when I saw the Managing Director from my first job where I was fired for being gay. I was walking towards my car and I heard this person shouting out my name and giving me the BIGGEST hail EVER! I looked back as the car passed me, trying to figure out who it was and the person said, ‘this is me Ivy!’ I was like okay waved and kept walking…and the thought came to me, did she remember treating me like dirt because of my sexuality? I smiled because the man I am now, have NO problem with her or her past actions. I just thought to myself, how would the 31 year old me explain my forgiving her to the 21 year old me?

I could see the 21 year old me saying remember when your manager called you in her office on a daily basis to ask you how you were feeling and if everyone is treating me okay? Even when she knew they weren’t because she NEVER let me forget that if it came to her job or mine well…How could I forget the way they belittled me and made me less than human…making me question my existence on this planet. I sometimes wonder how I didn’t take my own life when it was SO hard for me to understand who I was @ that time.

But I know that I didn’t because back then I knew that as humans we judge others by what we think we see and TOO frequently our judgments are incomplete. I don’t have the need to set myself apart from what they fear and I’ve learned that though there is NO excuse for how I was treated, I understand where their fear was coming from. In the words of Mother Teresa said, “If you judge people, you don’t have time to love them.” If we are quick to pass judgment on others, we forget that they, like us, are human beings. As I traveled my path, I bear in mind that we VERY seldom know what roads people have traveled before we encounter them or why they came into our lives. But I know that the natural thing for me to do is accept that experience and still grieve for the way things ended up.

I would hope that the 21 year old me would understand that bitter feelings ONLY allow us to become perfect victims in that we no longer feel obliged to work toward healing and choose instead to identify with our pain. So while we all are tethered to the earth, existing in bodies, our physical selves can seem burdensome at times. So as I carry this welcome burden from my past, I know that I am WHOLLY present in a body and that gives me a better understand of my place on this planet. So I hope that I get to see each and everyone of them so that I can show the 21 year old me that @ 31 I have moved past what we were to them and ourselves and I feel blessed that I went down such a path because now that I know better, I can do better…

Tuesday, April 13, 2010


Doctors had never suspected a link between the act of fellatio and breast cancer, but new research being performed at North Carolina State University is starting to suggest that there could be an important link between the two.

In a study of over 15,000 women suspected of having performed regular fellatio and swallowed the ejaculatory fluid, over the past ten years, the researchers found that those actually having performed the act regularly, one to two times a week, had a lower occurrence of breast cancer than those who had not. There was no increased risk, however, for those who did not regularly perform.

"I think it removes the last shade of doubt that fellatio is actually a healthy act," said Dr. A.J. Kramer of Johns Hopkins School of Medicine, who was not involved in the research. "I am surprised by these findings, but am also excited that the researchers may have discovered a relatively easy way to lower the occurrence of breast cancer in women."

The University researchers stressed that, though breast cancer is relatively uncommon, any steps taken to reduce the risk would be a wise decision.

"Only with regular occurrence will your chances be reduced, so I encourage all women out there to make fellatio an important part of their daily routine," said Dr. Helena Shifteer, one of the researchers at the University. "Since the emergence of the research, I try to fellate at least once every other night to reduce my chances."


Monday, April 12, 2010


We are not always
the bravest sons
our fathers dream.
Nor do they always
dream of us.
We don't always
recognize him
if we have never
seen his face.
We are suspicious
of strangers.
is he the one?
iiI stand waist deep
in the decadence of forgetting.
The vain act of looking the other way.
Insisting there can be peace
and fecundity without confrontation.
The nagging question of blood hounds me.
How do I honor it?
iiiI don't understand
our choice of angers,
your domestic violence,
my flaring temper.
I wanted tenderness
to belong to us
more than food or money.
The ghost of my wants
is many things:
lover, guardian angel,
key to our secrets,
the dogs we let sleep.
The rhythm of silence
we do not disturb.
ivI circle questions of blood.
I give a fierce fire dance.
The flames call me.
It is safe. I leap
unprepared to be brave. I surrender
more frightened of being alone.
I have to do this
to stay alive.
To be acknowledged.
Fire calls. I slither
to the flames
to become birth.
vA black hole, gaseous,
blisters around its edge,
swallows our estranged years.
They will never return
except as frightening remembrances
when we are locked in closets
and cannot breathe or scream.
I want to be free, daddy,
of the black hole between us.
The typical black hole.
If we let it be
it will widen enough
to swallow us.
Won't it?
viIn my loneliest gestures
learning to live
with less is less.
I forstalled my destiny.
I never wanted
to be your son.
You never
made the choice
to be my father.
What we have learned
from no text book:
is how to live without
one another.
How to evade the stainless truth.
Drug pain bleary-eyed.
Store our waste in tombs
beneath the heart,
knowing at any moment
it could leak out.
And do we expect to survive?
What are we prepared for?
Trenched off.
Communications down.
Angry in alien tongues.
We use extreme weapons
to ward off one another.
Some nights, our opposing reports
are heard as we dream.
Silence is the deadliest weapon.
We both use it.
Precisely. Often.

Sunday, April 11, 2010


None of us is born with a visitors' guide that provides explicit rules for thought and behavior that will enable us to navigate life successfully. So when we have to deal with the numberless amount of complexities to which we are ALL subjected to, we each develop a set of habits that grounds us in assuring that life is progressing. And THE ONE habit that is used by many is doing things in the name of their ‘GOD’.

The other day it was reported in the news here that a man had sex with four boys ages 6, 5, 4 & 2; all are brothers and were in his care. So the subject of this heinous act came up @ work and one of the ladies in the conversation decided to express her feeling towards the man. She was going on and on about how in the name of Jesus and his angels how she wish she could get her hands on him so she could butcher him because of what he did. Of course she let it be known that God would understand. Now I understand her feeling and I know where it is coming from, but I can’t help wonder: ¿WOULD HER ‘GOD’ REALLY UNDERSTAND?

Me being the one that doesn’t subscribe to HER beliefs and HER god, I can’t help but feel that if HER creator is all knowing N’ powerful and he allowed this to take place, how can she take such a position? I know she is a mere human, but I feel that she should understand that she is ONLY seeing the under side, while her ‘GOD’ is seeing the upper side. What happened to her grieving for both the man and the boys and leaving the rest up to her ‘GOD?’ When this life is all but done we shall know the reason why pain was entwined with joy, but until then what should she do?

How about she NOT commit spiritual suicide by limiting her ‘GOD’ through shutting down the possibility of being enlightened and enriched by the things that happen on this planet, be it good OR bad? How can one build such a barrier between themselves and our fellow travelers and then feel such anger that we think we could/should take care of ‘GOD’s’ business? I ALWAYS thought that people like her and their beliefs in ‘GOD’ meant that ALL IS AS IT SHOULD BE…DESPITE WHAT OTHERS DOIsn’t EVERY human being  intrinsically good, despite themselves? So why can’t she somehow keep her soul open and forgive just because? .

I ALWAYS thought that forgiveness frees us from and provides an opportunity to make a fresh start. Would my asking her to forgive such a man mean she is condoning his actions? All she is doing is living with stagnant energy that will continue to eat and destroy us on this planet! I wonder if for ONE second she considers what it must be like for the man who committed this heinous crime? How messed up was he to not stop himself from taking these boys to such a place? Please note that I am NOT supporting his actions, I am just trying to bring balance to what took place as I endeavor to see the world the way he does.  

There is a message in such a painful act and as a society we continuously MISS IT! We are NOT about finding the cause to such a problem we are ONLY concerned about the punishment we want to inflict. Destroying such a soul does NOT stop it from happening again and though anger takes us, should we allow such an impulse to take us over? Things like incest and molestation are the universe’s way of letting us know that something is wrong with how we live and co-exist with each other on this planet. If we listen to pain and NOT resist the valuable message it brings us, we would find ourselves, communities and planet in a better place. So I am asking for her to have an emotional understanding instead of throwing away another because she deemed him NOT fit to be part of her “‘GOD’s” world…That way of thinking NEVER served a purpose and the internal filter that manipulates which parts of her inner monologues get voiced outside of her head needs to be checked because I am not sure that her ‘GOD’ would really understand her actions towards his creation in his name…

Saturday, April 10, 2010


"Jumper" is a song by the American rock band Third Eye Blind, released on their 1997 self titled album, and written by vocalist Stephan Jenkins. Released as a single, the song peaked at #5.

Lead singer Stephan Jenkins has said that the song "comes from a story our manager told us about a high school friend of his who was gay. He went to a conservative school in San Diego [with] all sons of military types. Being gay was just not acceptable. He offed himself--he jumped off a bridge." The song is also about Jenkins' own difficult, often alienating childhood experiences. He says, "My parents divorced, and that hurt me. We were poor and I went to a rich high school. I was dyslexic and had Attention Deficit Disorder, which I still have. So I carried all these things with me. One afternoon I had this epiphany. I said 'You know what? I don't have it all together. I come from stuff that was really difficult, and that's me. That's who I am.' I embraced that. There's a line in the song that says, 'Everyone's got to face down the demons/Maybe today we can put the past away.' It's very much a song about putting the past away."  

I choose this song today because of the bevy of diverse truth I’ve encountered today…And as I search for meaning that is contradictory and outside the range of my existence…I hope that this song somehow make things clear for me and those I posted this for…

Thursday, April 8, 2010


As humans, we all have anger, sometimes more than others; and NOTHING angers humans like the thought of homosexuality. There is such an irrational HATRED for us that I sometimes wonder who the REAL humans are. Be it in the churches, the grocery stores or the work place, there is ALWAYS a discussion going on about us. On my present job there isn’t a day that goes by that we are NOT the subject of discussion. I just sit back N’ watch them swim in their ignorance and smile. I keep my distance because I don’t need their hate to find its way into my space. Now there is this one guy that I work with, he is like me in every way except he is straight. And though the subject of my sexuality never came up, I am sure that it must have crossed his mind. We talk about his life and the things he deal with in his relationship and I offer my opinion. I know about him, but he doesn’t know about me (@ least I haven’t told him) and I often wonder if he finds out, would he feel that I betrayed him?


I can say that he took the time to connect with me because he comes looking for me, he calls me just to see what is going on with me…we even do the fist bump and hetero handshakes that they do. I find the dynamics of this relationship interesting because I make a point NOT to establish a ‘bromance’ with hetero guys because they can’t handle my sexuality. But this guy is a tad bit different, a female co-worker of mine calls me cupcake and I do the same to her…he heard it one day and now he calls me CUPCAKE! No matter who is around, without fail he greets me with the fist bump/hetero handshake and calls me cupcake with a smile.

There are times he jokes around @ work doing feminine stuff like walking with a limp wrist and pretend like he is on a catwalk to give the ladies in the office a laugh…but of course makes sure they know this is all in fun and they shouldn’t get any ideas about his sexuality. I don’t think that he is gay @ all but I often think that anyone that can open themselves up to such a thing could be open-minded… Bonding with other men is one of the distinctive pleasures of being a guy; and a friendship with a straight guy does have some social benefits of maleness that homosexual men often miss out on.

I don’t have any plans on telling him about my sexuality because that brings up a whole new set of questions. I don’t have time to reassure him that I am NOT trying to have sex with him or if we really do have anything in common. I won’t ever live my life tip-toeing around someone that is hyper-sensitive about his and my sexuality, nor would I put it in his face…I just find it interesting that he could/would see my non-disclosure as a betrayal when I’ve NEVER been asked or mis-represent myself to him…So do you think I am betraying the relationship I have with my male co-worker OR am I merely keeping him away from something he may not be able to handle?

Wednesday, April 7, 2010


The other day I was @ the gas station and I noticed two females having a conversation. As I looked @ them I could tell that they were of the lesbian persuasion by the way they were dressed and how they carried themselves...not to mention the conversation was about their relationships and how they are trying to settle down and treat their women right. Now that's admirable in my book, but I couldn't help but wonder why the other patrons that were around didn't have the same look of disgust on their faces when I see or come across gay men in public? Why no one really bats an eye or show hatred towards females that OBVIOUSLY gay?

Tuesday, April 6, 2010


Many of us learn how to have sex from porn. The standard porn scenario starts with a quick connection, maybe kissing, then some oral, then somehow miraculously both partners are ready for anal, and after five to 10 minutes, both partners ejaculate. If this is the model we are going by, is there any wonder why we have trouble staying erotically engaged with each other?

The desire and need for an intimate touch goes very deep. Yet, as gay men, we lose our ability to open up to it. It seems that as we develop our mental capacities, we are taught that as gay men our feelings and needs are wrong. We then are shamed into expressing our desires and needs. So, we resign ourselves to a life of deep cravings, needs and desires that are never fulfilled, leaving most of us with a deep feeling of lacking, avoid we seek to fill through porn.

Having sex or being erotically engaged with a partner is THRILLING in MANY ways! Yet SO many of us have resigned ourselves to what we have seen in porn…I know that they are merely (barely) telling a story, but it is VERY important that we distinguish between fantasies and reality. A fantasy can be as “out there” as you want it to be and it is unlikely that it will ever be realized. That’s why it’s called a fantasy!

Over the years, I’ve listened to MANY gay men talk about how they like sex and most of it stems from the porn they see. To know that it is just a movie and they are merely F$CKING for money is all good, but when we take those elements into our various relationships aren’t we just perpetuating the notion that we don’t know how to enjoy each other sexually? The loss of innocence is no small thing. It's not a terrible thing either but once it's's gone FOREVER! How can we NOT see that every time we watch men have sex- well, sell themselves for sex, they are doing an injustice to what we REALLY do in the bedroom? So I wonder how long can we REALLY do this to ourselves.  

How does it make us feel good to know that @ the end of the sex scene the performers seem either ashamed, "down" or condescending of each other…especially of the bottom? Would it kill the producers to put guys together that have chemistry? You know the guys that enjoy each other by kissing, caressing and exploring each other? How can some gay men base their entire sexual experience on such elements that show just ONE side of how we could have sex? SHIT we have a challenge just trying to combine both the heart connection and the erotic intimacy, so how can we take our queue from porn? Erotic contact with another is nourishing and life-enhancing and porn does NOT give us that opportunity. The contact that we get from porn fizzles out VERY quickly…

…And getting off is all good and I know that I am beating a dead horse here, but do you think we could DEMAND a better quality of porn from the industry? How about they teach their actors how to show mutual respect, caring or even attraction for each other? Too many of the porn I cum across show the actors bored with each, which ultimately bore me as well…The confused state of being that porn brings to the surface…feeling the deep cravings and the shame N’ fear to get those needs met can cause many challenges in the area of intimacy.

Monday, April 5, 2010


What does it mean to be out? Of course, the process of coming out starts with understanding and accepting your sexuality, but does being out involve telling anyone other than yourself?

Do you have to become your own tabloid with your sexuality written in bold for everyone to see? Or is a part of being out sharing that side of you?

Sunday, April 4, 2010


As the Easter season got on the way this February, I was asked ‘what I am giving up for Lent?’  I paused for a second and replied, ‘LENT!’ Now of course I got the side ways look and grunts that say HOW DARE I SAY SUCH A THING! My room-mate said to me earlier today that faithless folks like me need to have some faith in something. I smile because I had NO intent on writing about this season, but he stirred something in me so here we GO!

I often wonder how much longer can people continue to be the character that is neither the protagonist nor antagonist. Aren’t they tired of being JUST an extra that is unimportant to the plot with NO significant contribution to the religion (i.e. pastor/priest) they worship? Aren’t all religions just ‘knockoffs’ of what was passed down from other belief systems through the ages?  How could they not find it weird that their religious beliefs are FILLED with myths of things they have NO way of knowing if it happened or not?

As far as they are concerned, BLIND FAITH has a place in a world that has no facts or truth to discount it; and my logical view of the world is pretty much non-existent even though it makes more sense.  This season in the religious world REALLY shows how logic and faith repel each other. I suppose their having FAITH in religion basically means that they don’t claim that they know the truth, so they have faith in invisible sources that do, and it’s not for them to question. How does one live and NEVER question the ‘holy word?’ ESPECIALLY DURING THE EASTER SEASON!

Any intelligent person, free of this brain of ‘faith’ will be open to examine the facts that are presented to them and if you can’t because it would seem blasphemous then you are living with half of the truth. Those who have faith and cling to it in the face of truth are the lost souls of illusion, and face only who they are not. I believe that the
kingdom of heaven is within each of us. We are all children of God which makes us members of each other.

So those that are fearful of what I write here just merely resemble what they claim to enjoy because they ACCEPT much less than is available. I find it interesting how their suffering minds seek truth that leaves the true ‘self expressions’ buried in the dark untouched. The only ‘substance’ needed for deep and enduring truth is logic. Logic is in the air, and though you may choke on it @ first…just breath it deeper so you can have a clear awareness…A LIFE MAKE US FEAFUL OF CONSIDERING THE OTHER SIDE OF RELIGION & IT’S TRADITIONS…