I AM...

I am whatever YOU think I am until YOU get to KNOW me. This is true for everyone else too, of course.. so don't make assumptions about anyone or pass judgment; ask questions. You might just make a new friend.


Wednesday, February 28, 2007


Sometimes we look at the actions of others and find it difficult to understand what motivates them. But we are all doing the best we can with the information we currently have. We have all been taught how to see the world from the examples of those around us and by our experiences. Keeping this in mind, we can accept the choices made by others while seeking ways to increase the world's level of consciousness as a whole. Our different levels of consciousness are like the developmental stages of children, whose understanding varies according to their age and experience. For example, the behavior of a two-year-old who doesn't want to share can be understood as a phase of his social education, whereas a 16-year-old who behaves in the same manner would be thought to be acting childish. It is important to remember that we are each on our own unique path. We may have chosen certain lessons or made an agreement to play certain roles in the unfolding of the world's understanding before we incarnated in this lifetime. So our job is not to judge others but to shift the balance of understanding in the world by increasing our own. Every thought we have and action we take becomes part of the collective energy of the planet. When we use our energy to bring light into the world, it combines with the light brought by others to dispel the darkness. Though we live in a world of duality, which helps us to experience the material plane, we don't need to experience extremes to understand them. We can share our experiences and understanding with others not from a place of condescension but of connection. When the entire family of humanity understands that each of our thoughts, choices, and actions affect us all, we will share an incredible level of consciousness-one that puts our oneness above all else and helps us evolve into higher expressions of our spiritual selves. Remember the next time you witness an action of another that they are of the same earth as you but simply on a different conscious level at this point in their life. Find compassion, bless them, and move along your day in grace.

Tuesday, February 27, 2007


Hurtful confrontations often leave us feeling drained and confused. When someone attacks us emotionally, we may wonder what we did to rouse their anger, and we take their actions personally. We may ask ourselves what we could have done to compel them to behave or speak that way toward us. It's important to remember that there are no real targets in an emotional attack and that it is usually a way for the attacker to redirect their uncomfortable feelings away from themselves. When people are overcome by strong emotions, like hurt or anguish, they may see themselves as victims and lash out at others as a means of protection or to make themselves feel better. You may be able to shield yourself from an emotional attack by not taking the behavior personally. First, however, it is good to cultivate a state of detachment that can provide you with some protection from the person who is attacking you. This will allow you to feel compassion for this person and remember that their behavior isn't as much about you as it is about their need to vent their emotions. If you have difficulty remaining unaffected by someone's behavior, take a moment to breathe deeply and remind yourself that you didn't do anything wrong, and you aren't responsible for people's feelings. If you can see that this person is indirectly expressing a need to you-whether they are reaching out for help or wanting to be heard-you may be able to diffuse the attack by getting them to talk about what is really bothering them. You cannot control other people's emotions, but you can control your own. If you sense yourself responding to their negativity, try not to let yourself. Keep your heart open to them, and they may let go of their defensiveness and yield to your compassion and openness.

Monday, February 26, 2007


...I WANNA GET OFF! God created me to produce light in a dark world. No matter how small I am or what color I might be; like a little candle, I can produce the same amount of light, it is always up me, either to get lost in the darkness…or sparkle and show light to others. Have you ever had one of those days when seems like life is too much to bear? Have you ever had one of those days when the only exist in this world is despair? Have you ever had one of those days when you simply wish you could disappear? I sometimes feel as if I am lost in this cycle and the world just don't seem notice. I think that I am an one of those persons that feel all the world's ills and is just crushed by the weight of it on my SOUL. I AM THE DEVASTING LOSS; people in this world treat each other without care and simply exist to please themselves. How can we live as if LIFE just hapharzardly happens and thinks that it has no lasting effects? When I think of the CRIME and VIOLENCE that plagues our planet I can't help but to shed a few tears. Everyday someone WOMAN is KILLED or RAPED and no one seems bothered by it. These events are flashed across our TV screens and blasted on our RADIOS but to no avail they are seen by BLIND and heard by DEAF folks because our world is so JADED. I feel as if I am caught up in a never ending spiral of sadness and emptiness unable to find the lighe amidst the darkness. I feel the pain of those that live with broken hearts and torn souls. I feel the plight of the MOTHER that can't feed her children; I see her struggle and her heart ache. Makes me wish for a DO OVER, a SECOND chance...a way for her to begin again...MAKE ME WISH I WAS OUR MODERN DAY SAINT and that I could die for my FAITH in mankind. For in death I know I can bore witness @ last as a MARTYR TO TRUTH. Through me suffering could really end and mankind could live out the TRUTH that I dream of. Say! Let's forget it! Let's put it aside! Life is so large and the world is so wide. Days are so short and there's so much to do…Let's brush it away now and forever, so what do you say?Let's wipe off the slate, find something better to cherish than hate. There's so much good in the world that we've had, let's strike a balance and cross off the bad. Let's forgive it, whatever it is, let's not be slaves when we ought to be free. Let us live as if we know that sorrows are blessings that are half understood. Let’s live as if we know that hope is so sweet and it holds may dreams…Let's not wither! Let's branch out and rise out of the byways and nearer the skies. Let's spread some shade that's refreshing and deep where some tired soul may lie down and sleep. Let's not tarry! Let's do it right now…LET US DO IT BEFORE THE WORLD STOPS! AFTER ALL I AM PLAYING A PART AND THIS IS JUST A ROLE RIGHT?

Sunday, February 25, 2007


Whatever I may want to do
It must be done today.
There is no other time.
Yesterdays are but today’s
Used and gone beyond my grasp.
Not one can ever be brought back;
Even as a bell can't be unrung
Or a spoken, unintended word
Be readily retrieved before
It reaches someone's ear.
Tomorrows are today’s awaiting birth.
Each comes unbidden in the night
To arrive full-fledged for me to use
And do whatever I may want to do.

Friday, February 23, 2007


Is the world, in general, more gay tolerant than it was 20 years ago? There seems to be, in the US, more of a presence of gay culture than there was 20 years ago or so. Heck, the film Brokeback Mountain was nominated for an Academy Award for Best Picture last. Would that have happened in Hollywood 20 years ago? Back here in the Bahamas the film was banned after it was advertised at our local theatre. I can only say that the GOVERNMENT sorry I meant to say THE CHRISTIAN COUNCIL must have been asleep at the wheel when this movie was allowed to travel from God knows where to our shores. It’s funny we suppose to live in a democratic country but can’t see a movie that has nothing to do with our society at large. The craziest thing is that movies like V for Vendetta was shown here and anyone who saw it knew what the theme of the movie was and OUR LEADERS who ever they are didn’t recognize that. The X-Men movies all had such a HUGE GAY UNDERTONE that you couldn’t miss it and that movie will creep into the conscious of the people quicker than an openly GAY THEME MOVIE. I know that our fight is a bit different and easier than it was for my GAY BROTHERS & SISTERS 20 years ago. Hence my mentioning of a movie pales in comparison to what they had to endure, but holding back a community of people is wrong no matter what cause they are fighting for. HOMOPHOBIA makes it difficult for US and forces many to a closeted life here in the Bahamas. I know that being GAY a few years was difficult but we have made strides in this area. Nonetheless, most men here BEEF up their masculinity to avoid suspicion. I thank GOD that we are not like most gay men in Africa that lead lives of isolation, loneliness and separation and most of all fear. I am so grateful that we don’t live the way they do in Jamaica, even though I firmly believe that 90% of the MEN there explore their SEXUALITY with each other. I hang my head in shame when I think of why these things happen. How can people feel justified to behave like this in this world today? I say that RELIGION is the driving force of such behaviour and thinking. It’s weird how people say that money is root of all evil, but I think that RELIGION has that on lock. These closed minded individuals that make it hard to breathe within your own space. Amazing to me is that a lot of people may or may not realize that the church is the first place to find the gay lifestyle, starting right in the front line. People have a tendency to sit in judgment of other when the one doing the judging have the most skeletons in the closet. Easier to live I wouldn't say, but maybe better. There is no doubt those persons over 40 have made a difference in how easy it is to be out about being gay or bi, how much easier really depends on where you live. However with shows like Will and Grace, Ellen and cables Queer as Folks, The L Word, Six Feet Under I can see an improvement in tolerance. These shows exist because of the strides made by the generations before mine. I can definitely say that they made things easier to be an out gay man in his 20's. Though strides were made there are still certain industries, and companies making things difficult for us. I was FIRED for being GAY and at that time of my life I didn’t know what I know now and if it was reversed things would happen in a different way. But to be out or not is an easier decision in this day and age. Of course there are exceptions to everything...and each person’s family situation is different. With so many beautiful and shining examples out there on Television, in the papers, and even out in restaurants (same sex couples w/ children) gay business execs, I don’t think there are the same 'pressures' anymore to grow up and get married and have children which could reduce the need for the 'DL' life so many lead. I understand that it still takes a set of balls to come out, and it requires a lot of inner strength and self-confidence to do so. But being on the inside of that closet door is a scary place still...but the amount of open arms and support on the outside is so much more than it ever was. Sometimes we have to walk away from our families and friends in order to be true to ourselves. But in the end, we are not alone anymore. And I thank the generations of OUT GAY MEN & WOMEN who came before me. You have fought battles and won. You deserve our respect and our thanks. We continue in the struggle in your footsteps and by your examples of strong will and determination. However, unfortunately we lost a whole generation of gay men to AIDS. Legions of gay men who would have now been in their late 50's and 60's are no longer with us. These men made it easier for gay people to be who they are today because we have a little bit more freedom... but there is still a lot of room for improvement...for starters we still have people who believe they have the right to tell us who we are allowed to marry and who we are not... not to mention the gay-bashing and being blamed and ridiculed for the AIDS epidemic... in my opinion it’s a lot easier for heterosexuals than it is for homosexuals... but on the other hand I do have to agree that it appears that in certain parts of the world homosexuality is just as natural as heterosexuality... but that is just what it appears to be on the surface...right?

Thursday, February 22, 2007


Believe what you want to believe about GOD’S creation of me, but I know for a fact that I was born this way. However I wish I wasn’t…just your above average 20-ish, pseudo-revolutionary, trying to make my mark on this world. I wish that being with me wasn’t the survival of the fittest. I wish that I wasn’t hated by some, loved by many, envied by all, wanted by plenty, intrigued by the unusual, fascinated by the original, and still yet impressed by nothing. I am the product of a stifling society, suffocating between walls of rules and stereotypes. Slowly bent out of shape the triangle peg forced into the square hole. I am a man struggling with confines and rebelling against constraints. I am a poet, a lover, an emotional wreck. My own worst enemy…A homosexual without apology! OH HOW I WISH...

I wish that it didn’t matter to me that I AM WHO I AM but it did. For the longest time it mattered to me and I've come to understand that no matter WHAT I am is who I am meant to be and I wish I felt the need to theorize about it. I wish that I still felt a need to blame my SEXUALITY on something; make it easy to explain to people…GOD HOW I HOPE UPON HOPE! To bad I realize I didn’t need to make excuses for it. I wish I knew that HOMOSEXUALITY needed to explained the same way HETEROSEXUALITY needed to be. I wish knew that the only thing that needed to be EXCUSED were those that HATED on me for my SAME-SEX-PRONE mentality…OH HOW I WISH

I wish I hadn't declare myself a human being then it would be easier for you to have your way with me. I wish that my presence here on this planet didn't make you face yourself and things you hate. Funny how I wish you didn't have to question YOUR SEXUALITY when seek mine. Funny how I make YOU SEE that YOUR HEART is dark and cold. Funny how I make your life interesting because focusing on YOUR OWN is too damn boring. I just wish that YOU would be MAN enough to step to me and tell that you want me to sample you; make YOU a MAN. I WISH YOU DIDN'T DESIRE ME SO...OH HOW I WISH that...I DIDN'T DECLARE MYSELF IN THIS WORLD THEN YOU COULD LIVE WHIT SUCH EASE AND THE LIES WOULDN'T MATTER...OH HOW I WISH!

I just wish the world was like my little neighborhood and my friends, helping and getting along, interracial love between gays and straights, ethnic groups sharing with ethnic groups. I wish I lived in a world where people not afraid to put forth love or care. I wish it didn’t matter if you are GAY/BI/STRAIGHT. I wish that selfishness, gluttony and destructive way of living weren’t so prevalent around me. I wish that I didn’t live in a society that claims to be Christian, yet seem to fail to follow Christ's single commandment to love God and each other. I wish that the evil trio of HYPOCRISY, BIGOTRY and SELF-RIGHTEOUSNESS wasn’t the driving force that it is. I wish that the so-called Christians couldn’t use it to keep me away from Christian faith…OH HOW I WISH!

The WHORE in me…OH HOW SWEET to be a MAN that can separate SEX from LOVE…but I do wish that I wasn’t such a BULL and fucked a COW just once! I wish that I couldn’t dispose of another easily…I wish that when HE is sitting on the edge of my bed contemplating what he wants that I wish I cared. I wish that when I asked if HE wanted me to F&CK him that I really cared if he wants to or not…I wish that I wasn’t the MAN putting anther between a rock and hard place. I wish that I couldn’t relate to BLANCHE from the GOLDEN GIRLS, SAMANTHA from SEX AND THE CITY & EDIE from DESPARATE HOUSEWIVES. I wish at this point in my life I cared that I am viewed as a WHOREGUESS I SHOULD MAKE A BIGGER WISH SINCE I DON’T GIVE A F&CK! OH HOW I WISH

Beloved...OH HOW I WISH THE LORD LOVED ME! It's amazing to me how I am made to feel that I don't have GOD's LOVE because of who I am as a SEXUAL BEING. I find it interesting how society lives as if GOD didn't know have this all as apart of HIS BIGGER plan and GRAND design. I wish I didn't love the fact that I live in a place where people are ignorant to many facts. I wish I didn't LOVE the LORD and didn't LOVE ME back. I wish that HE could snap his fingers @ any given moment and change my FATE. I wish that HE gave a damn that HE made a F&CKED GAY MAN...I wish that GOD could come and do HIS job so that the others out here could stop PLAYING HIM...OH HOW I WISH!

Out of sight, out of patience...out of my mind...OH HOW I WISH...I wasn't drowning in a sea of anarchy wondering if all the thing I've seen were really happening. I wish we didn’t have Politicians on a mission, building themselves up only to come crashing down. I wish that justice wasn’t a fading light and that the world around me was getting to scary. I wish that our PRIME MINISTER would take a moment and realize that he actually suppose to lead this country. I wish the folks here on this island didn’t dance to beat of lies and untruths…OH HOW I WISH!

It is strange to think; I haven't seen you or your smile…guess I know that you are only here to trick me. You exist only to fool me and make me believe that you care about me…I wish that I could see the new moon and not you. Oh God how I wish for sunrises and sunsets and not your face. I wish the pieces of my broken heart weren’t so small that they could be passed through the eye of a needle. I wish you miss me like the sun misses the flower; in the depths of winter. I wish you knew how hope guides me that is what gets me through the day and the night. I wish you knew how my walls were stripped away with the touch of your hand, and my armor was laid to rest with a kiss from your very lips. I wish you knew that all the remains of me is my mind and my soul and it is with that I write to you. I know the sun will rise in the morning and set tomorrow night, but I wish that before the sun seizes to rise and the moon seizes to set that I will gaze my eyes upon you. I can’t wait for the night when I can see the stars dance in your eyes…LOVE OH HOW I WISH!

So they tell me that SEX with a WOMAN is all the RAGE! It's unlike anything else in this world and nothing can compare to it. Funny how I've tasted it and don't recall my OUT-OF-THIS-WORLD experience. HMMM I WONDER WHAT THAT MEANS? I wish I really cared that PUSSY don't mean a F&CK to me. I wish you were my flower of lust found between your legs. I wish that the exotic whispers and taboo looks turned me and got my D!CK hard. I wish you could reach my sexuality and tease all the fantasies in my mind. I wish that I longed to touch your imagination, feel your breath taking us beyond night's darkness to a passion where nothing else matters, but your PUSSY! I wish that within you I could discover a love so deep, so sweet that our soul gives birth to the spirit answer that we are…OH HOW I WISH!

I am ready for LOVE, pity it isn't ready for me. I have no choice but to sit and wait my turn; I remember those days when I wanted it so badly that forced it upon myself and thought good, now I have it! Funny how I didn't have it afterall, funny how things turned out, funny how life takes you where you need to be and not where you want to be...All I wish for was him to come and take my hand and lead the way. I wish he’d whisper softly in my ear, all those things I want to hear. I wish he’d kiss my lips and touch my skin; bring out passions deep within. I wish he’d pull me close and hold me near; take away my pain and fear. I wish he knew that in the darkness of the night how I wanted him to be my beacon and shine his light. I wish he’d give me wings so I can fly; for I can soar when he’s nearby. I so wish that he would enter my heart, break down the wall; it's time for me to watch it fall. I wish that he could see that I've been a prisoner and that only HE can break my chains and set me free. I wish he’d strip me of my armor tight and I hope he knows I won’t put up a fight. I wish he’d release my soul held deep within because I am ready to let LOVE in…OH HOW I WISH!

Wednesday, February 21, 2007


Ash Wednesday, the seventh Wednesday before Easter Sunday, is the first day of the Season of Lent. Its name comes from the ancient practice of placing ashes on worshippers’ heads or foreheads as a sign of humility before God, a symbol of mourning and sorrow at the death that sin brings into the world. It not only prefigures the mourning at the death of Jesus, but also places the worshipper in a position to realize the consequences of sin. Ash Wednesday is a somber day of reflection on what needs to change in our lives if we are to be fully Christian. In the early church, ashes were not offered to everyone but were only used to mark the forehead of worshippers who had made public confession of sin and sought to be restored to the fellowship of the community at the Easter celebration. However, over the years others began to show their humility and identification with the penitents by asking that they, too, be marked as sinners. Finally, the imposition of ashes was extended to the whole congregation in services similar to those that are now observed in many Christian churches on Ash Wednesday.

Lent originated in the fourth century of the church and spans 40 weekdays beginning on Ash Wednesday and climaxing during Holy Week with Holy Thursday (Maundy Thursday), Good Friday, and concluding Saturday before Easter. Originally, Lent was the time of preparation for those who were to be baptized, a time of concentrated study and prayer before their baptism at the Easter Vigil, the celebration of the Resurrection of the Lord early on Easter Sunday. But since these new members were to be received into a living community of Faith, the entire community was called to preparation. Also, this was the time when those who had been separated from the Church would prepare to rejoin the community. Today, Lent is marked by a time of prayer and preparation to celebrate Easter. Since Sundays celebrate the resurrection of Jesus, the six Sundays that occur during Lent are not counted as part of the 40 days of Lent, and are referred to as the Sundays in Lent. The number 40 is connected with many biblical events, but especially with the forty days Jesus spent in the wilderness preparing for His ministry by facing the temptations that could lead him to abandon his mission and calling. Christians today use this period of time for introspection, self examination, and repentance. This season of the year is equal only to the Season of Advent in importance in the Christian year, and is part of the second major grouping of Christian festivals and sacred time that includes Holy Week, Easter, and Pentecost. Lent has traditionally been marked by penitential prayer, fasting, and almsgiving. Some churches today still observe a rigid schedule of fasting on certain days during Lent, especially the giving up of meat, alcohol, sweets, and other types of food. Other traditions do not place as great an emphasis on fasting, but focus on charitable deeds, especially helping those in physical need with food and clothing, or simply the giving of money to charities. Most Christian churches that observe Lent at all focus on it as a time of prayer, especially penance, repenting for failures and sin as a way to focus on the need for God’s grace. It is really a preparation to celebrate God’s marvelous redemption at Easter, and the resurrected life that we live, and hope for, as Christians.

Tuesday, February 20, 2007

¿30 = TOP?

A common phenomenon in the gay culture, what I’d like to call
part of the ‘gay evolution’ is
the change for men when they reach the ripe age of 30 or thereabouts. This
change manifests in what they do in the bedroom…rather what role they play or
even with closer investigation what they profess happens. These men do away
with the sexual role they performed (bottoms/versatile) and
suddenly they manifest themselves into ‘total
. Leaving me and I am sure a few others to ask, what happened?

Now I know that there are persons out there who are tops (total TOPS), who never bottomed
except for that one or two times and claim they didn’t like it and never will.
Bless that BIG cock loving, good fuck taking guy who goes crazy for any
man that knows how to work them. I’ve met a few of these men, hell I even F&CKED a few of them…I can see him
now taking it from the back while calling out my name. WHEN DID HE BECOME A TOP? Are we a culture that feels that to be a
bottom or taking dick up the ass means that you are less than a man? (Aren’t
we already less than men because we love other men?) Do we somehow become
conscious of this at the age of maturity? Is thirty the age of maturity for

This could be true since at forty most gay men are considered
geriatric, which by definition means: being old and outmoded – unfashionable or
obsolete; that sounds about right. So the thirty’s are the middle age – this is
the time where we reflect on our lives consider our future and make steps
toward achieving those goals that we have. Somehow those goals involve no
longer taking dick up the ass. @ the heart of this I think is a psychological
reasoning that age determines status and status determines dominance and we
equate being dominance with being a top.

So in the sociology of gay males we have this different type
machismo that parallels that of the straight world. And we know how that goes
overtly masculine equals powerful which is a problematic deduction for me. For
the gay community, the most powerful victory we have is being our TRUE selves, so then why are we fighting to be the manly man who
is an extreme exaggeration of what really lies within our hearts? 
of it like this…if we like ice cream
before do we suddenly not like ice cream anymore?
 And truth be told
most of these men who profess to be tops, well…with the right person @ the
right time in the right place 9 times out of 10 tend to be THE biggest bottoms! So in reality nothing’s changed it just the
comfort level in admitting what they actually feel or want as opposed to what
they are expected or told to feel or want.

Sunday, February 18, 2007


I hope that I will always be for each person

what he or she needs me to be.

I hope that each person's death will diminish me,

but that fear of my own will never diminish my joy of life.

I hope that my love for those whom I like will never lessen

my love for those whom I do not.

I hope that another person's love for me will never

be a measure of my love for him or her.

I hope that everybody will accept me as I am,

but that I never will.

I hope that I will always ask for forgiveness from others,

but will never need to be asked for my own . . .

I hope that I will always recognize my limitations,

but that I will construct none.

I hope that loving will always be my goal,

but that love will never be my idol.

I hope that everyone will always have hope.

Saturday, February 17, 2007


Striking the right balance between our physical and spiritual aspects is one of the most challenging aspects of existence. We are dual beings by nature, spiritual entities bound to earth by physical bodies. In our lifetimes, we are charged with the duty of nurturing and tending both with equal devotion and love. Yet while both aspects of the self are deserving of honor and respect, there is a tendency for people who are more spiritually focused to ignore, avoid, or dismiss their bodies. Similarly, many individuals are entirely ensconced in the carnal realm and pay no attention to the needs of the soul. In both cases, an adjustment is in order. We are whole only to the degree that we embrace both sides of our beings. If the soul is the inward manifestation of our consciousness, the body is the living, breathing expression of that consciousness. The physical self provides the home in which the spiritual self takes root and flourishes. Just as we must tend to the seed of the soul to ensure that it grows strong, so, too, must we care for the protective shell that is the body to make certain it is capable of playing its role in our development. Though there will no doubt be times in ourlives when we feel more comfortable focusing on the spiritual self or the physical self, denying the fundamental importance of one or the other can lead to ill health, emotional distress, and a sense of incompleteness. Both facets of the human experience play a vital role in our well-being. The body and the soul are the yin and yang of our current reality. They are, at this point of human evolution, irreparably bound together, and many spiritual teachers agree that the body is one of the greatest vehicles through which to access the soul. In fact, many believe that our spirit has chosen to be embodied as an essential part of our spiritual development. Consequently, it is the responsibility of each person on the planet to forge a marriage between the two, so that these disparate aspects bring out the best in each other, creating a vibrant, dynamic, and workable whole.

Friday, February 16, 2007

Thursday, February 15, 2007























Wednesday, February 14, 2007


I know this is the day when the entire planet stops and observes LOVE collectively. All the roses, candies and jewelry that are being purchased and exchanged suppose to show your SPECIAL one that you LOVE and CARE about them. I don’t know how it’s done in other parts of the world, but here in the Bahamas there are lines of persons selling gift baskets along the streets and floral stores are bombarded with orders of roses. I am not oppose to people making and us showing affection on this day but does it spill over into the rest of your life? Why buy the VAGINA of the plant, a basket stuff with PAPER and give the sales girl a nice COMMISSION on that expensive piece of jewelery? I sit and ponder why should I take this day and make it the best ever and forget the other 364 that still exist? A man such as myself questions V-Day because it does not represent the true romance everybody craves. It is a superficial show of affection - letting someone know you care just because you are supposed to. You should not need a reason to show someone you love them. Though this holiday provides an opportunity to show someone you care, TOO many relationships depend on Valentine's Day. They need it to give life to their relationships; TOO many couples need reasons to show affection. True romance doesn't just happen one day of the year. It should be present every day, and it should not be as cliché as chocolate and roses. Love needs to have a little bit of inherent pizazz in it, and roses do not provide the necessary amount of kick and spice to a relationship. LONG TERM HAPPINESS should be the order of the day for the pursuit of happiness is surely the chief of human pursuits. Even if one pursues pleasure to its limit, this is surely a vain attempt to sustain fleeting and delusive moments of happiness. In addition to this most of us know from experience that an obsession with pleasure is rarely conducive to happiness and this day doesn't provide ANYTHING other than PLEASURE! Happiness on the other hand is a more durable state of mind. With HAPPINESS we begin to see that happiness and pleasure are quite different things. Whereas pleasure results from an interaction with some definite object; (i. e. V-DAY) happiness is a state of well-being not derived from any particular object in the world, but is experienced as a result of a total overview of one's life and its possibilities. Whereas pleasure is related to the love of worldly things, happiness can only stem from a love of life as a whole. SO AS THIS DAY IS CELEBRATED WHAT’S YOUR REASON 4 ACKNOWLEDING V-DAY?

Tuesday, February 13, 2007


Men and women are not alike. Sure, you thought you already knew that. For centuries, the differences between men and women were socially defined and distorted through a lens of sexism in which men assumed superiority over women and maintained it through domination. As the goal of equality between men and women now grows closer we are also losing our awareness of important differences. In some circles of society, politically correct thinking is obliterating important discussion as well as our awareness of the similarities and differences between men and women. The vision of equality between the sexes has narrowed the possibilities for discovery of what truly exists within a man and within a woman. The world is less interesting when everything is same. WHEN IT COMES TO LIFE AND MY QUESTION OF WHO HAS IT EASIER, I SAY THAT MEN AND WOMEN ARE EQUAL BUT DIFFERENT. When I say equal, I mean that men and women have a right to equal opportunity and protection under the law. None of us would argue the fact that men and women are physically different. The physical differences are rather obvious and most of these can be seen and easily measured. Weight, shape, size and anatomy are not political opinions but rather tangible and easily measured. Despite great strides in this country toward equality, modern society hasn’t made relationships between men and women any easier. Today’s society has taught us and has imposed on us the expectation that men and women should live together continuously, in communion, and in harmony. These expectations are not only unrealistic but ultimately they leave people feeling unloved, inadequate, cynical, apathetic or ashamed. The challenge facing men and women is to become aware of their identities, to accept their differences, and to live their lives fully and as skillfully as possible. To do this we must first understand in what ways we are different. We must avoid trying to change others to suit our needs. SO AGAIN I ASK, WHO HAS IT EASIER MEN/WOMEN?

Monday, February 12, 2007


I possess a ‘FIGHT FOR LOVE ATTITUDE!’ I BELIEVE THAT ALL PROBLEMS CAN BE WORKED OUT BUT BOTH PARTIES HAVE TO BE INVOLVED AND WILLING TO DEAL WITH THE BRUTAL TRUTH OF THE SITUATION. However there are those times when one has to let that person go and LOVE from a distance. It may allow them to learn the LOSS of TRUE LOVE and GROW, while you are then able to give that love to someone who will appreciate it. But I am the type of person that feels that if you BOTH LOVE each other YOU CAN make it work! Regardless of the situation, I believe that LOVE CONQUERS ALL. I know there are persons out there that say that that’s crazy and I’m not living in reality. I always say if you are not serious about your commitments you don’t want me cause once you’re wit me I grab hold tight and let go when the time is right. Relationships take hard work both physical and mental. There are a lot of factors that play a part in making it work. And you can't have one person doing all the work in the relationship because eventually it’ll crumble. I have been in some crazy relationships in the past and I walked away from the drama and BS because I wanted better for myself. Life is too short and LOVE shouldn’t kill a MAN’S SOUL. I find that too many of us take the first thing presented to us and we don’t see the REPRESENTATIVE before we jump into a relationship. We all had our share of LOVING the wrong person I say when this happens the UNIVERSE is trying to teach something about LIFE. Take the LESSON, be the LESSON and use that LESSON to enrich your SOUL. So when the next one comes around and it will, I say go with your eyes wide open and trust your gut instincts. Thinking with your HEART and D!CK won’t work for you, that makes you desperate for LOVE. At some point of your life you should have you life together as far as LOVE is concerned, even if it’s just SELF-LOVE.

Sunday, February 11, 2007


What is it about men & me!?!?! Is there a bull’s eye on my forehead with the words "LET’S CHALLENGE HIM" written under it?! If you don't want to A REAL MAN DON’T LOOK MY WAY!!! I say this and MEN still come thinking, believing and hoping that they can BREAK ME. Take what they want that be that…OH HELLS NO!!! But the craziest thing is that I still seek a relationship with MEN despite the MANISH BOYS, the LIARS, the CHEATERS, the UNENLIGHTENAND YET LIKE MAYA ANGELOU I RISE…I STAND IN THE GAP FOR THOSE PERSONS THAT LACK THE STRENGTH…I SHINE MY LIGHT FOR THOSE THAT ARE LOST TO FIND THE PATH…call me foolish, call me crazy, I still have LOVE for my fellow man despite himself. In analyzing my relationship with MEN I've come to realize that this is my BIGGEST challenge, my HARDEST obstacle...So in meeting this challenge and overcoming this obstacle, I have to review every male in my life or that crossed my path.

Father – it started with you. You didn’t care about me; you left me didn’t even look back. You didn’t even give me my BIRTH RIGHT even though I don’t miss it; I know that I am entitled to it. I am very much grateful for the GIFT of life, but my question is why give something if you can’t appreciate what you gave? I guess it’s how your life was, you had no DADDY just a FATHER; the exact same thing you gave me. I didn’t get to know this MAN until I was about 12 years old; I had memories of him but never knew who he was because HE was never identified to me. All I know is that I have a MAN out there that doesn’t a thing about the fruit of his loins, he doesn’t know when my birthday is, he doesn’t know who I am, he doesn’t know himself…WORST OF ALL HE DOESN’T KNOW ME and I don’t have a relationship with THE FIRST MAN that was placed in my life…

Grandfather – we don’t know each other, we just accept the fact that we are related and that’s something that we can’t change. I do thank the LORD for having you in my life because through you I’ve seen the path a MAN like you take and where it leads. I’ve seen how you considered yourself and ONLY YOURSELF, the LORD took your wife away from you and still that didn’t shake or wake you! You had 5 kids to care for and you didn’t my MOTHER included; no wonder she got pregnant with me at the age of 20. I think that you are partly the reason she gave me such a MAN for a FATHER! But all in all I’ve made peace with you; I’ve decided that I LOVE YOU no matter how unaware you are.

Uncle – from being a child YOU told me how you would kill me if I turned out to be 'GAY.’ Even now I sometimes live in amazement of how much you are not a MAN of your word but you tried to keep this one. You’ve damaged me, made me hate and I never thought that was possible but through my damage state I healed your wounds inflicted upon me both verbal and physical…through my HATE I became LOVE the one thing you thought you gave but didn’t know how to. You had me living in FEAR as a LITTLE BOY and as a MAN you tried to reduce me back to that person again, guess you thought resistance is FUTILE. Funny I showed you better I used to be ashamed of you because you are a SHELL OF A MAN, but I’ve come to realize that you had the same FATHER my MOTHER did so I can’t hold you entirely @ fault for yourself…I think you do that already…Even though you came to me and said that you were sorry I couldn’t accept it then, but I do now. I am sorry that I can’t LOVE you up close, I can only do it from a distance…I no longer HATE you because doing that poisons my soul and destroys me. I used to live with so much anger and it made me scared when I was told that I am just like because I know I am not. I guess somewhere in my mind I thought if I am going to beat you, I had to become you…I’ve learned that I don’t need to beat you, that was done the moment you uttered your first demeaning word…it was done when you first laid your hand on my flesh and bruised it…it was done the first time you realized that you hated yourself.

Brother – I never knew you existed until I got into high school and I am sorry that you felt that I was better than you because I was academically incline and you weren’t. I am sorry that you didn’t know to relate to me and I didn’t seem to care. Please forgive me I don’t know how to relate to other boys. I guess you didn’t as well because you couldn’t or wouldn’t express yourself to me and I can’t say that I blame you because we both came from the same MAN, both of us given the same FATE. I like that when you see me you feel shame and hang your head because you were told that I am GAY, I wish that you knew how much FREEDOM I have. I wish you could enjoy your life to the fullest, I wish I could be a brother to you.

The Others – now you are an interesting group of MEN because of you I find myself as a MAN APART. I am not like you and I don’t want to be, you are not in touch with REALITY. You rather live in place that seems comfortable and easy because why face life when you don’t want to? Growing up you’ve made my life HELL because I didn’t play b-ball nor did the things they did. I LOVED the fact that when time went on and I didn’t chase girls was your reason to call me all the FAGGOT, SISSY & SOFT BOY you wanted because how dare I decide that PUSSY WASN’T ALL THE RAGE? I used to be angry because I allowed you to make me something I am not, I tried to be like you and I am not. I am who I am and that’s who I am meant to be. Sorry but in this life I am GAY and that’s what I am meant to be.

SGLM - this group of MEN is like no other, they come with issues and can sense that I am not one of the pack. The amazing thing is that I've thought about conforming but never did; there was something inside of me that knew I was different. I knew that I was a different bred and the kind of MAN that would strive to be a LEADER. I sought comfort in the fact that I no longer felt like it was CASUAL FRIDAY on a MONDAY. Life changes and drifts away. People come together and break up. It happens every day. Nothing unnatural about it. I am no lies, no games, and no empty sentiments. Just straight up honesty and realness. Even if that honesty and reality is painful to the receiver (WHICH IT ALWAYS IS). I am getting really frustrated with this shit! Why is it that these ASSHOLES keep finding themselves on my doorstep!?! Should my humanity be tested on a daily bases? It never ceases to surprise me when life delivers the answers to the questions that have been eating me for so long in one quick epiphany. Maybe my melancholic moaning helped bring it to a head. Who knows? These MEN live a life of delusion and can’t seem to get pass themselves much less a MAN such as myself. But I can’t say I HATE them or don’t CARE about them because I know that most if not all of them had the same experience or have a story that doesn’t foster a healthy LOVE OF SELF. We are a community whether we accept it or not, when one of us is killed for being who we are it affects us, when one of us dies because of HIV it affects us…when one of us don’t love it affects ALL of us.

Lovers – I started on this path from the age of 19 and now some almost 10 years later I am here single, alone and loving it. I however do have a question, though: When is enough ENOUGH? I had to find answers to the question and would u believe that I just got it? I’ve been the kind of MAN that had so much LOVE to give to another MAN and coming from a place where I knew nothing about loving a MAN I was in a dark room, on the floor seeking the matches that I knew was there…I’ve stayed with a MAN hoping that he would see that I LOVED him and see the kind of MAN I was but he didn’t. He was to caught up in his own insecurities and couldn’t LOVE himself much less me. The lies and stories came and I just let LOVE go, guess it wasn’t there to begin with. His obsession and jealousy wasn’t cool @ all but the one thing I want to thank him for is that I was able to keep out of harm’s way and I learned about the trappings of this LIFE STYLE. I didn’t get all caught up in my own MIS-CONCEIVED NOTIONS. I finally decided to leave and carry on with my life I never looked back, it hurt like HELL but yet I am here! Oddly enough we talked the other day and he told me that he understood now what I was about and finally we got closure…I dated him because I wanted to get away from a MAN that didn’t want me to leave him and that was a mistake…I gave a year of my life to a MAN that was SELFISH in every aspect of our relationship and it totally blew my mind. I convinced myself that I LOVED him because that was the only way I could have stayed with him. I HATED myself everyday and he knew it, but didn’t know how to deal with it. I totally SHUT DOWN and gave up on myself I would to say that I was half the MAN I am now but I was no way near this MAN. All in all I learned that I can’t go against what I want for myself, that’s the one thing that destroys a person and I won’t do that again…When I met him I didn’t think or wanted a relationship but it happened anyway and it was great. I felt finally a MAN that was my equal, a man that was here for me and me alone (DO I NEED TO SAY IT?) I knew he was a LIAR and lacked SELF LOVE, but I wanted him to realize it and be MAN enough to talk to me about it. God knows I gave him ample occasions to come clean and he didn’t, he chose to stick with what he knew and I can’t say that I blame him. But in real scope of things I had to separate myself from those that can’t live in the land of truth, honest and trust. But the thing is that he came into my life @ a time when the UNIVERSE knew I would need an extra boost and for that I am eternally grateful…I never thought that I was in LOVE with him, but it turns out that I was, am and probably always will be. The sad thing for me is that he isn’t aware or if he is it doesn’t matter to him because he just lives…no emotions, no thoughts, no love…I had to separate myself from him and place him in the category of LOVE doesn’t mean it will work. God knows I wrote countless poems about him and express myself until I closed the chapter of that book. He is my best friend, guess that’s why this hurt the most and his lies and blatant disregard for me hurts but I live with it. I know he isn’t my GREAT LOVE because it would be and it’s not. I can only trust that the universe knows what its doing and that I will be where I meant to be. I feel stupid @ times though, guess that’s apart of it and I find myself just floating and FUCKING MEN because I have LOVE and can’t give it in the way I want to…(THIS CHAPTER ISN’T DONE YET, OUR SHOW WILL BE DONE SOON THOUGH).

HE – I know that I withstood so much in the name of LOVE, but all that leads to his path and I no longer place any pressure on myself to be with a MAN, I've learned that the first love I needed is SELF LOVE. And that I need to be HEALTHY for him, I was tried and tested and I am still here; this is the only I can give and receive love healthily. HERE’S TO MY HEALTH!

Saturday, February 10, 2007





Achieving any goal has a lot to do with your ability to visualize that goal. Great athletes visualize themselves crossing the finish line first, getting a hole-in-one, or batting the ball out of the stadium. However, it may be hard for you to visualize success in love if your previous love relationships didn't provide a good model of what you are looking for. Take some time and consider my suggestions, these methods might just aid you visualizing a positive love goal. This above all things is a process of self-discovery, and along the way, I am hoping that you may discover some preconceptions and misconceptions which have hampered your search for love in the past. The first step is to write down a "WISH LIST" for your ideal mate. By making a list of what you want, you may be surprised to find that you get exactly that. My only request for describing your fantasy mate is that it be YOUR fantasy, not your family's or your friends' or Hollywood's. Avoid writing down something just because it reflects our society's belief system, also you concentrate on inner qualities rather than things like physical appearance and social status.


Before you can take that step to finding that ‘IDEAL MATE’ I say you have to be the ideal mate and make sure that YOUR SELF-ESTEEM is in order. So to you I say…Free yourself from "should's". Live your life on the basis of what is possible for you and what feels right to you instead of what you or others think you "should" do. "Should's" distract us from identifying and fulfilling our own needs, abilities, interests and personal goals. Find out what you want and what you are good at, value those, and take actions designed to fulfill your potential. Respect your own needs. Recognize and take care of your own needs and wants first. Identify what really fulfills you--not just immediate gratifications. Respecting your deeper needs will increase your sense of worth and well-being. Set achievable goals. Establish goals on the basis of what you can realistically achieve, and then work step-by-step to develop your potential. To strive always for perfectionist absolute goals--for example, "Anything less than an A in school is always unacceptable"--invites stress and failure. Talk to yourself positively. Stop listening to your "cruel inner critic." When you notice that you are doubting or judging yourself, replace such thoughts with self-accepting thoughts, balanced self-assessment and self-supportive direction. Test your reality. Separate your emotional reactions--your fears and bad feelings-- from the reality of your current situation. For example, you may feel stupid, anxious and hopeless about a project, but if you think about it, you may still have the ability and opportunity to accomplish something in it. Experience success. Seek out and put yourself in situations in which the probability of success is high. Look for projects which stretch--but don't overwhelm--your abilities. "Image" yourself succeeding. Whatever you accomplish let yourself acknowledge and experience success and good feelings about it. Take chances. New experiences are learning experiences which can build self- confidence. Expect to make mistakes as part of the process; don't be disappointed if you don't do it perfectly. Feel good about trying something new, making progress and increasing your competence. Solve problems. Don't avoid problems, and don't moil about them. Face them, and identify ways to solve them or cope with them. If you run away from problems you can solve, you threaten your self-confidence. Make decisions. Practice making and implementing positive decisions flexibly but firmly, and trust yourself to deal with the consequences. When you assert yourself, you enhance your sense of yourself, learn more, and increase your self-confidence. Develop your skills. Know what you can and can't do. Assess the skills you need; learn and practice those. Emphasize your strengths. Focus on what you can do rather than what you cannot. Accept current limitations and live comfortably within them, even as you consider what strengths you might want or need to develop next. Rely on your own opinion of yourself. Entertain feedback from others, but don't rely on their opinions. Depend on your own values in making decisions and deciding how you feel about yourself and what is right for you to do.


In life, we may find it easy to allow ourselves to love and accept multitudes of other people, but when it comes to loving ourselves we're not as forgiving. In fact, we can be quite relentless in our pursuit of perfection. So, how then do you learn to put aside all the shoulds and should nots we face, and really begin a love affair with yourself? The first step is to realize that you are somebody. You're a friend, someone's son, possibly a lover, an employee or employer, or maybe even someone's spouse. No matter how your role changes, you're still somebody. Nothing will ever change that. The next step is to take time out to actually love yourself. In romantic relationships it is often said that true love is shown through actions, not words. Learn to apply this to yourself with the following ideas, and you'll be on the road to a lifetime romance, with yourself!


In today's world, having a stress-filled daily schedule is normal to most people. It seems that we have a million things to do and only a short rime in which to do them. Most people want to improve their health, relationship, financial state, and quality of life, but fail to realize that the answer lies within. The only answer to gaining control of our lives in this day and age is harness-ing the power of self-discipline, building your self-esteem, and realizing you have the power of choice.To see this ability in ourselves and live by these means is very difficult for many people. It is so easy, so enticing, so utterly pleasurable to let our minds toil and hide in everyday tasks. We decide to shut our eyes to the possibility of having more or leading a higher quality life, and we settle on the reality of our day-to-day conditions and circumstances. It is the plight of the everyday lamb, who fails to notice that inside lurks a predator of success. For some people, it takes nothing more than reading and understanding this concept, and for others it takes much more. Thus begins your first step in a long journey. Throughout this book you will learn many powerful techniques to help you understand and develop discipline and control that is fast asleep inside you, waiting to be unleashed and experienced. You must understand that simply wanting something is not enough you must define, plan, focus, and schedule specific actions that you will take to have what you desire. The amazing power of control can alter your life. By simply understanding the process and forces at work in the human body and mind, you will have the greatest chance of success in your quest for self-discipline. Use the powerful techniques that you will learn in this hook to prepare a personal battle plan for achieving your desires, wants, and goals.


Quiet the noise in your head. You know those voices well; the ones that are constantly nagging you to pick up the dry cleaning, talk to the school teacher, juggle the bills, call your mother, keep the kids in line, and keep the boss happy. With all that noise going on, it will be impossible for you to hear anything above the din. This MUST be the first step. How do you do that? By setting up systems, simplifying, and establishing enough extras in your life to allow you to operate from a position of abundance, instead of lack. Learn how – and practice – thinking about yourself in healthy ways. In order to do that, you must first BELIEVE that you are valuable, and your Real Self has something to offer the world. Since you talk to yourself more than everyone else in your life combined, --that’s a lot of talk!—it’s up to YOU to establish the healthy communication in your thinking. Consciously listen to how you talk to yourself; write down the unhealthy things you say; challenge them; and replace them with facts. Talk: “You never do anything right.” Challenge: “Of course I do things right. I did (example) right. I did (example) right. This time, I just made a mistake. I’ll learn from it and have better success next time.” Listen to your heart. Sounds easy enough, but by the time we’re adults, most of us have stopped listening to our hearts and go only with our heads. Those two must reconnect in order to find your real self. It’s easy to become accustomed to thinking about your feelings instead of really feeling them. Instead of asking yourself what you think about something, ask yourself what you feel. Ask yourself why it’s important. What comes easily for you? What’s difficult? Be careful not to get hung-up on a specific goal, when what you’re really after is a specific feeling. Keep an open mind to the feelings, and be willing to adjust the methods you use to achieve them. Uncover your natural strengths and your natural talents. Trust your instincts. Look back at your childhood, and make a list of things that you used to love to do. Ask why you stopped doing them. If you always loved adventure, it’s a good bet that’s a part of the REAL you. Notice what things you now do during your day – even if only for a few minutes – when you feel the most happy. If you have no idea what the real you is, begin to experiment with things that you find you used to like. Look back again over your life, and begin to remember times when you felt the happiest. What where you doing? Who were you with? What skills were you using? Be willing to tell the truth about who you are, and what you want in your life. Stop trying to “be” whom or what you think you ought to be. Instead, determine that you are comfortable with what you want in your life, and how you want to address the world.


If You've Been Hurt Physically. Temporary Insanity may have worked for Lorena Bobbitt, but you're not running a court of law. Ignore excuses and apologies; if violence has surfaced, it will surface again. Get out at the very first strike. When You're Totally Incompatible. If your lover's dream is to drop out and become self- sufficient on a farm somewhere, and you're a city person with ambitions, one of you is going to be seriously unhappy if you stay together. Or, if you always want to go out and he or she always wants to stay home, look for someone whose social style is closer to yours. When He Or She Isn't Even Close To Your Fantasy. If you're a longtime luckless single, you may be tempted to stay with someone just because they're available and willing, but don't do it. He or she has to turn you on somewhat; there has to be some chemistry and some future. When He Or She Just Can't Say "I Love You." Even if there's chemistry, if someone can't express their love for you with affectionate gestures, nurturing, and the magic words, "I love you," you'll never feel really satisfied with them. When He Or She Is Just Not There For You. If you've been dating for more than six months and you can't count on him or her to come and get you if your car breaks down, or to be your date for New Year's Eve, or even to feed your goldfish when you're away on a business trip, then you don't have a solid relationship. When You're Afraid To Express Yourself. Being in love should bring out the best in you. It should help you be less self-conscious and make you more open and alive. If instead, you worry that you'll upset the applecart if you say what you think, or if you're afraid that the least little thing will destroy the delicate balance you've achieved, or if you feel like you're walking on eggs all the time, get out. When He Or She Is A Philanderer. Philanderers usually leave track records behind them (see "Qualifying Someone"). If you discover your mate has that kind of history, don't believe "never again." The heartache and torment will never end. And in the age of AIDS, any kind of a sex life with an unfaithful mate means condoms forever. Who needs this? When He Or She Commits An Unforgiveable Act. There are single acts which are so beyond the pale that they should mean THE END. If he or she sleeps with your best friend, stands you up at the altar, or commits murder, dump him or her with no second chances. Even if you were to able to forgive, your self-esteem would never recover, and you'd still always be angry at him or her underneath. When The Same Problems Recur. Sadly, loving someone doesn't always guarantee that you can happily spend the rest of your lives together. If you've broken up and gotten back together, and you're still having the same fights, the same problems or different versions of the same problem, especially if you've tried relationship counseling, then give up and find someone else. When He Or She Says "I Need Some Space." The relationship seems to have stalled, and then your partner mumbles something like, "I want time," or "I want space," or "I want to date," or "I need to devote myself to my career." Almost always, what he or she means is, "I want out." These things happen. Don't drag it out. Say, "Sounds like you want to break up. I'm sorry you feel that way, but I understand. I hope we can remain friends." When The Relationship Just Doesn't Progress. Relationships have a natural progression. If you're not progressing and you can't pinpoint the cause, you might want to try relationship counseling. However, if he or she won't go, and things don't improve, the relationship is coming to an end. Again, these things happen. Don't drag it out.


How do you know when you're giving too much too soon?

You call them more than they call you.

You make all the plans, pay most of the time, or buy all the presents.

You are always doing something for them, and you feel cheated and angry because the giving is not reciprocated.

You sense they're beginning to take you for granted.

You feel desperate for their love and are worried about losing them.

Your only happiness seems to be making them happy.

You pour yourself into helping them succeed, even to the point of ignoring your own life.

They're beginning to pull away, and you keep doing more and more to get them to stay.

Your friends say you've changed and they never see you any more.