¿HOMBRES Y YO?

What is it about men & me!?!?! Is there a bull’s eye on my forehead with the words "LET’S CHALLENGE HIM" written under it?! If you don't want to A REAL MAN DON’T LOOK MY WAY!!! I say this and MEN still come thinking, believing and hoping that they can BREAK ME. Take what they want that be that…OH HELLS NO!!! But the craziest thing is that I still seek a relationship with MEN despite the MANISH BOYS, the LIARS, the CHEATERS, the UNENLIGHTEN…AND YET LIKE MAYA ANGELOU I RISE…I STAND IN THE GAP FOR THOSE PERSONS THAT LACK THE STRENGTH…I SHINE MY LIGHT FOR THOSE THAT ARE LOST TO FIND THE PATH…call me foolish, call me crazy, I still have LOVE for my fellow man despite himself. In analyzing my relationship with MEN I've come to realize that this is my BIGGEST challenge, my HARDEST obstacle...So in meeting this challenge and overcoming this obstacle, I have to review every male in my life or that crossed my path.

Father – it started with you. You didn’t care about me; you left me didn’t even look back. You didn’t even give me my BIRTH RIGHT even though I don’t miss it; I know that I am entitled to it. I am very much grateful for the GIFT of life, but my question is why give something if you can’t appreciate what you gave? I guess it’s how your life was, you had no DADDY just a FATHER; the exact same thing you gave me. I didn’t get to know this MAN until I was about 12 years old; I had memories of him but never knew who he was because HE was never identified to me. All I know is that I have a MAN out there that doesn’t a thing about the fruit of his loins, he doesn’t know when my birthday is, he doesn’t know who I am, he doesn’t know himself…WORST OF ALL HE DOESN’T KNOW ME and I don’t have a relationship with THE FIRST MAN that was placed in my life…

Grandfather – we don’t know each other, we just accept the fact that we are related and that’s something that we can’t change. I do thank the LORD for having you in my life because through you I’ve seen the path a MAN like you take and where it leads. I’ve seen how you considered yourself and ONLY YOURSELF, the LORD took your wife away from you and still that didn’t shake or wake you! You had 5 kids to care for and you didn’t my MOTHER included; no wonder she got pregnant with me at the age of 20. I think that you are partly the reason she gave me such a MAN for a FATHER! But all in all I’ve made peace with you; I’ve decided that I LOVE YOU no matter how unaware you are.

Uncle – from being a child YOU told me how you would kill me if I turned out to be 'GAY.’ Even now I sometimes live in amazement of how much you are not a MAN of your word but you tried to keep this one. You’ve damaged me, made me hate and I never thought that was possible but through my damage state I healed your wounds inflicted upon me both verbal and physical…through my HATE I became LOVE the one thing you thought you gave but didn’t know how to. You had me living in FEAR as a LITTLE BOY and as a MAN you tried to reduce me back to that person again, guess you thought resistance is FUTILE. Funny I showed you better I used to be ashamed of you because you are a SHELL OF A MAN, but I’ve come to realize that you had the same FATHER my MOTHER did so I can’t hold you entirely @ fault for yourself…I think you do that already…Even though you came to me and said that you were sorry I couldn’t accept it then, but I do now. I am sorry that I can’t LOVE you up close, I can only do it from a distance…I no longer HATE you because doing that poisons my soul and destroys me. I used to live with so much anger and it made me scared when I was told that I am just like because I know I am not. I guess somewhere in my mind I thought if I am going to beat you, I had to become you…I’ve learned that I don’t need to beat you, that was done the moment you uttered your first demeaning word…it was done when you first laid your hand on my flesh and bruised it…it was done the first time you realized that you hated yourself.

Brother – I never knew you existed until I got into high school and I am sorry that you felt that I was better than you because I was academically incline and you weren’t. I am sorry that you didn’t know to relate to me and I didn’t seem to care. Please forgive me I don’t know how to relate to other boys. I guess you didn’t as well because you couldn’t or wouldn’t express yourself to me and I can’t say that I blame you because we both came from the same MAN, both of us given the same FATE. I like that when you see me you feel shame and hang your head because you were told that I am GAY, I wish that you knew how much FREEDOM I have. I wish you could enjoy your life to the fullest, I wish I could be a brother to you.

The Others – now you are an interesting group of MEN because of you I find myself as a MAN APART. I am not like you and I don’t want to be, you are not in touch with REALITY. You rather live in place that seems comfortable and easy because why face life when you don’t want to? Growing up you’ve made my life HELL because I didn’t play b-ball nor did the things they did. I LOVED the fact that when time went on and I didn’t chase girls was your reason to call me all the FAGGOT, SISSY & SOFT BOY you wanted because how dare I decide that PUSSY WASN’T ALL THE RAGE? I used to be angry because I allowed you to make me something I am not, I tried to be like you and I am not. I am who I am and that’s who I am meant to be. Sorry but in this life I am GAY and that’s what I am meant to be.

SGLM - this group of MEN is like no other, they come with issues and can sense that I am not one of the pack. The amazing thing is that I've thought about conforming but never did; there was something inside of me that knew I was different. I knew that I was a different bred and the kind of MAN that would strive to be a LEADER. I sought comfort in the fact that I no longer felt like it was CASUAL FRIDAY on a MONDAY. Life changes and drifts away. People come together and break up. It happens every day. Nothing unnatural about it. I am no lies, no games, and no empty sentiments. Just straight up honesty and realness. Even if that honesty and reality is painful to the receiver (WHICH IT ALWAYS IS). I am getting really frustrated with this shit! Why is it that these ASSHOLES keep finding themselves on my doorstep!?! Should my humanity be tested on a daily bases? It never ceases to surprise me when life delivers the answers to the questions that have been eating me for so long in one quick epiphany. Maybe my melancholic moaning helped bring it to a head. Who knows? These MEN live a life of delusion and can’t seem to get pass themselves much less a MAN such as myself. But I can’t say I HATE them or don’t CARE about them because I know that most if not all of them had the same experience or have a story that doesn’t foster a healthy LOVE OF SELF. We are a community whether we accept it or not, when one of us is killed for being who we are it affects us, when one of us dies because of HIV it affects us…when one of us don’t love it affects ALL of us.

Lovers – I started on this path from the age of 19 and now some almost 10 years later I am here single, alone and loving it. I however do have a question, though: When is enough ENOUGH? I had to find answers to the question and would u believe that I just got it? I’ve been the kind of MAN that had so much LOVE to give to another MAN and coming from a place where I knew nothing about loving a MAN I was in a dark room, on the floor seeking the matches that I knew was there…I’ve stayed with a MAN hoping that he would see that I LOVED him and see the kind of MAN I was but he didn’t. He was to caught up in his own insecurities and couldn’t LOVE himself much less me. The lies and stories came and I just let LOVE go, guess it wasn’t there to begin with. His obsession and jealousy wasn’t cool @ all but the one thing I want to thank him for is that I was able to keep out of harm’s way and I learned about the trappings of this LIFE STYLE. I didn’t get all caught up in my own MIS-CONCEIVED NOTIONS. I finally decided to leave and carry on with my life I never looked back, it hurt like HELL but yet I am here! Oddly enough we talked the other day and he told me that he understood now what I was about and finally we got closure…I dated him because I wanted to get away from a MAN that didn’t want me to leave him and that was a mistake…I gave a year of my life to a MAN that was SELFISH in every aspect of our relationship and it totally blew my mind. I convinced myself that I LOVED him because that was the only way I could have stayed with him. I HATED myself everyday and he knew it, but didn’t know how to deal with it. I totally SHUT DOWN and gave up on myself I would to say that I was half the MAN I am now but I was no way near this MAN. All in all I learned that I can’t go against what I want for myself, that’s the one thing that destroys a person and I won’t do that again…When I met him I didn’t think or wanted a relationship but it happened anyway and it was great. I felt finally a MAN that was my equal, a man that was here for me and me alone (DO I NEED TO SAY IT?) I knew he was a LIAR and lacked SELF LOVE, but I wanted him to realize it and be MAN enough to talk to me about it. God knows I gave him ample occasions to come clean and he didn’t, he chose to stick with what he knew and I can’t say that I blame him. But in real scope of things I had to separate myself from those that can’t live in the land of truth, honest and trust. But the thing is that he came into my life @ a time when the UNIVERSE knew I would need an extra boost and for that I am eternally grateful…I never thought that I was in LOVE with him, but it turns out that I was, am and probably always will be. The sad thing for me is that he isn’t aware or if he is it doesn’t matter to him because he just lives…no emotions, no thoughts, no love…I had to separate myself from him and place him in the category of LOVE doesn’t mean it will work. God knows I wrote countless poems about him and express myself until I closed the chapter of that book. He is my best friend, guess that’s why this hurt the most and his lies and blatant disregard for me hurts but I live with it. I know he isn’t my GREAT LOVE because it would be and it’s not. I can only trust that the universe knows what its doing and that I will be where I meant to be. I feel stupid @ times though, guess that’s apart of it and I find myself just floating and FUCKING MEN because I have LOVE and can’t give it in the way I want to…(THIS CHAPTER ISN’T DONE YET, OUR SHOW WILL BE DONE SOON THOUGH).

HE – I know that I withstood so much in the name of LOVE, but all that leads to his path and I no longer place any pressure on myself to be with a MAN, I've learned that the first love I needed is SELF LOVE. And that I need to be HEALTHY for him, I was tried and tested and I am still here; this is the only I can give and receive love healthily. HERE’S TO MY HEALTH!