NAVIGATING MY WAY THROUGH BEING GAY, PT. 2

CHECK OUT PT. 1 HERE

My first boyfriend and I had a few things in common, and at that point in my life that meant we were meant to be together forever. In retrospect, we were worlds apart. We met up after a brief period of online and offline communication and I was smitten! He was even more handsome in person. Beautiful, dark skin tone, an adorable set of dimplea, great sense of style, and just an inch or two shorter than I. He had the makings of my understanding of my perfect guy at the time. I wanted him! And I had him, for like three months. Three months of great sex, good talk…but not enough substance. I was the first to say “I love you.” I don’t remember his exact reaction but I think it was generally positive; he didn’t say it back though. He would later declare his love one night while we were in his bed bumping and grinding. Priceless. 

Things were cool but I kept having these lingering feelings of ‘not enough.’ He’d flake on me more and more often, and his initially great calling and texting dwindled. I needed more and more of his attention and he was giving me the exact opposite. Admittedly, I was more than just a tad needy in the relationship. But hey, it was my first time having someone for myself in 23 years! Can you blame a dude? I finally had it when he pulled a no-show, no-call on a day I had been looking forward to all weekend. I was over it then and there, but somehow it dragged on for a few more days. We ended on a really sour note, with him cutting me off and me relentlessly trying to contact him. I had become used to him, and his leaving me cold-turkey left me hollow, vacant, empty. I had experienced my first heartbreak. At the end of it all, I realized that I liked the idea of him more than that I liked the actual him. I just really wanted a boyfriend, and it seemed like just anyone would do. 

My next guy was a beautiful soul. I still remember our first date. The conversation was nice and easy. He made me feel at ease and he would continue to for (most of) the duration of our ill-fated love affair. He was a couple of years older, which brought an interesting dynamic (my first ex was younger). He was a very caring dude and had no hangups with paying for most of our dates and buying me gifts (I was unemployed at the time). He was intelligent and witty. I fondly remember his lush beard and perfectly placed lips. He said “I love you” first. We were at a club downtown dancing the night away and conducting excessive PDA at a straight (as in non-gay) event. Once we sat down to rest, he let me know that he loved me. It was no surprise; his actions were an expository exhibit of those emotions. I swiftly replied, “I love you, too.” What was the harm? He was a good guy – my type. How couldn’t I love him? Why shouldn’t I? I went on to reveal that I was scared that I couldn’t be all that he wanted me to be for him. He comforted me by saying all he needed was my companionship. Comfort. That man was a source of comfort. 

So what changed? Nothing really. I was going through my own issues with my identity and self-worth. As I said, I was unemployed then – many times I felt like a kept man. Not a cool feeling. Also, he was out as a gay man while I was a closet case. It was hard for me to imagine a future where I could introduce him to my family and friends. 

The relationship felt lopsided at times. He was ready to go all in, while I had increasing reservations. I didn’t have the guts to suggest a breakup, so my heart just withdrew. And he noticed, being the perceptive guy that he is. He saved both of us the drama and a fraction of the heartbreak and called it quits. I didn’t fight it; I knew it was already over. All in all, for what it’s worth, the relationship left me with sweet memories on which I look back often and can’t help but smile about. 

So what have I learned about love? To start with a biblical reference: love is patient, is kind, is content, is modest, is honorable, is unselfish, is not easily angered, is forgiving, is truthful, is protective, is trusting, is hopeful, is persevering. Love never fails. To me, love is not irrational. Love is a choice that you have to make. Love is a perfect trifecta of attraction, affection and acceptance. It’s appreciative. It’s considerate. It makes time for you. There’s so much shit out there pretending to be love. Don’t fall for it! Love doesn’t hurt; it heals. Love isn’t blind; it is illuminating. Love doesn’t suck; it is a pleasant, highly fulfilling experience born of the purposeful meeting of congruent souls. Quite simply, love is staying in the ‘like’; it’s ‘like’ that endures. 

So is love possible? I believe it is. I’ve witnessed love. I’ve had glimpses of love myself. Now the question of if I will ever find love is a whole ‘notha ball game. The current evidence tells me that it is highly unlikely. 

SOURCE: MUSED MAGAZINE