NAVIGATING MY WAY THROUGH BEING GAY, PT. 1

As I embark on yet another quest to find artificial attention, I’m reminded of the disappointments that lie in wake of previous attempts. The reminders could not be any more vivid. There I was, staring at the faces of my ex-somethings in tiny little boxes on my newly-minted Jack’d account. I tried to contemplate my thoughts. Disappointment is a given whenever something doesn’t work out as planned. But was there shame as well? I think I also detected a hint of guilt. Was I still mourning my loss of so-called love? 

During the course of the two relationships I once enjoyed, I had uttered the words “I love you” at least once in each relationship. My co-conspirators had both done the same thing – at least once each. But did we even remotely comprehend our romantic utterances? Did any of us even know what said love was – a concept so vast and boundless? Was “love” simply a conceptual placeholder for the giddy feelings that came with having someone to call  my boyfriend? At this moment in time I’m even questioning: “Is love possible?” I know, I know. I sound jaded – the universal expression of many a bruised heart. Yes, I’ll admit my newly-adopted cynicism. 

Well, how did I get here? 

My earliest memory of ‘liking someone’ – which I think is what love, lust, adoration, infatuation, attraction or whatever you want to call it all boil down to – goes back to the first grade. She – yes, she – was my first crush. I still remember her full name and (my interpretation of) her face is forever immortalized in me. She was, to me, the prettiest girl in the world and I doted on her every chance I got, my devoted attention never wavering. Now isn’t this what we seek as adults looking to find someone to love? 

Many more crushes would follow after that momentous one. For the life of me I can’t remember the first time I had a crush on a guy. I do remember being fondled by a fellow classmate at around age 10 or 11. I don’t recall every detail but it was during class and he gleefully grinned as he reached under the desk and grabbed my penis. Maybe that ‘turned me gay’ as the nurture theorists would proclaim. I highly doubt it. The touch did left me in a state of bewilderment. I didn’t feel upset, violated, aroused or pleased. I was just bewildered. “Why is this boy touching me?” I can vividly picture the screw face I must have given him. I don’t think I gave it much further thought after that. I had no conception of gayness at that time of my life. 

A couple years or so after that, I would find myself sneaking after hours to watch erotic movies while everyone else was asleep. These extremely passionate movies walked the fine line of Harlequin romance and porn. They piqued my prepubescent mind for a short while. Then I discovered full-blown pornography of the gay variety. I was intrigued, and the tantalizing images of male bodies rubbing against each other and exploring crevices I never thought of in sexual ways blew my mind. If wasn’t clear before, I was certain then: I was sexually attracted to men. 

I would spend the next 10 years repressing my homosexual desires while simultaneously living vicariously through porn. In the early years of my adolescence, my feelings were mostly manifested as ‘being drawn’ to guys in a way I still hadn’t fully understood. As a result, I shied away from making male friends. Oddly, I don’t remember having any crushes on guys in my middle and high-school years – at least not with any real-life guys. My sexual passions were relegated to the dark of the night when I would ravenously devour Pitbull Productions’ latest work and fantasize over glossy, picture-perfect creatures. In my latter teen years, I inevitably developed a few crushes – but nothing significant. 

It wasn’t until I was fast approaching 23 that I had any sexual physical contact with another man. It wouldn’t have been possible without the almighty Internet. It’s hard to navigate the real world of romance and sex as a man who is into other men because many a times it is impossible to tell if a man has the same inclination. My gaydar sucks. I have a tendency of thinking all the guys I find to be cute are gay. How convenient, eh? To counteract that bias, I simply assume all guys are straight unless they say otherwise. The Internet simplifies all of that. The men on gay social networking sites are there because they are interested – no matter how minuscule or humongous that interest might be – in other men. Hurdle surmounted! I would go on to find my first sexual encounter through Grindr and discover many more opportunities through BGC Live. I’m slightly ashamed to say I went through a ‘ho phase,’ having sex with every guy I could get – even lowering my standards in some cases. I was hooked! And I didn’t want the ride to end (pun intended). During that time I also discovered how transient gay dalliances were. You’d have a guy go from pledging his eternal like one day to never returning texts the next. Only to message you months later: “Hey stranger.” Somehow in this whorish period, I found a guy I wanted badly to call my boyfriend. 

SOURCE: MUSED MAG