“Do you
bareback?” is a phrase I have heard so many times now I reckon it’s up there with
how many times Adele’s album is being played round the world this second.
I’m a
HIV-negative guy (as far as I know from my last test!) who really wants to get
to the bottom of why I have noticed a pattern in my own sex life: I have
encountered several men who tell me they are positive but undetectable and, on
that basis, persistently ask for condomless sex, often refusing to have sex at
all if I insist on using a condom.
I feel
cautious opening up a discussion about this preference for condomless sex amongst
HIV-positive men because I am not HIV-positive and do not want to contribute to
the stigma people living with HIV face, but I talk about this from a place of
compassion and eagerness to understand.
I want to
avoid generalising about all men who are HIV positive – and focus
specifically on the behaviour around condomless sex.
When asked about
my status I say ‘as far as I know’ because I understand I might have an STI or
HIV and not know it yet. I’ll admit I treat all sexual partners with the same
scrutiny – not based on what they look like or how much I want to plough them.
It seems
pretty obvious that those who are genuinely undetectable might want condomless
sex due to the mounting evidence that when undetectable the virus cannot be
transmitted to a sexual partner.
However, in a
chill-out environment or on Grindr’s desolately impersonal chat service how can
you possibly just take someone’s word for it (when they might not know
themselves)? I’ve found more and more guys at these two locations take an all
or nothing approach to condoms with sex. I’ve felt huge amounts of peer
pressure in a group environment and sometimes have been one of only two or
three guys at a group of 30 who use condoms.
The problem I
have is that if I compromise for a guy and bareback there is a risk, whereas if
he compromises and uses a condom there is almost none. I also don’t like arse
to mouth so maybe that’s another reason why I prefer to use them.
So I want to
hear from positive guys out there who prefer condomless sex.
Do you feel
that condoms are less important once you have been diagnosed because you
already have the infection?
Why can some
not compromise and use a condom, considering the risks of having sex with a
stranger?
If it’s just
about how it feels, is it really worth putting yourself or someone else at risk
of a variety of infections?
Do we as gay
men feel the need to have condomless sex considering how normalised it is for
our straight counterparts? Has it always been a rebellion?
I have
wondered at times if, for some of the guys I have met, condomless sex may be
rooted in a very self-destructive pattern of behaviour; from a source of pain
and a lack of care for one’s own wellbeing. This would explain why chemsex and
condomless sex do seem to go hand in hand sometimes. In both cases they put the
individual in a more vulnerable situation.
Of course,
this is very possibly a sanctimonious line of thinking – given that it’s
unlikely I’d suggest it as a topic of frank discussion when I’m about to fuck
someone. If things I have suggested are putting words into the mouths of men
with HIV then I should be corrected – my aim is to increase understanding and
awareness by an honest dialogue with men who clearly feel strongly about their
preference for sex without a condom.
So tell me
what you think.
SOURCE: GMFA
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