But this
version has a twist. Instead of grumpy old codgers in musty pajamas, you and
your partner are dressed in classic nightshirts from the Gap, briefs from
Abercrombie & Finch, and slippers from Old Navy. You both have six-pack
abs.
As your head
hits the pillow, you’re feeling a bit “Bah! Humbug!” about the relationship.
It’s lost the spark it once had, and you just seem to be going through the
motions without much zing or zeal. Then something spectacular happens while you
slumber. The ghosts of your partner’s past and future pay you a visit.
First, you
are whisked away to your partner’s past and spend a day with the six-year-old
child they used to be. You can see your partner with the family sitting around
the kitchen table. You hear the conversations and are a first-hand witness to
the family dynamics. You see what makes her cry; you see what makes him laugh.
You see when that little child felt secure and loved, and you also see the
times that child was alone, hurting, and afraid.
For a brief
moment you are back to the present, tucked safely under the covers. Yet in the
blink of an eye, the ghost of the future takes you away on a new adventure.
Suddenly you
have a birds-eye view of your partner’s dreams for the future. Magically, you
can see them as the person they’ve always wanted to become. They are
accomplishing their goals and fulfilling their life’s ambitions with enthusiasm
because they are doing all the things that give them meaning and purpose. What
do you see?
Finally, you
wake up and think “Dang, wait till my psychoanalyst hears about this!”
You probably
won’t have this dream. But you can take some active steps to rejuvenate your
relationship in the New Year. So build a fire, pour some eggnog, and curl up
with your partner on the couch. With a copy of this article in your lap, take
turns asking each other some of the following questions. Ask 3 – 5 questions
from each list. Interrupt only if absolutely necessary, and feel free to ask
any questions of your own that might help your partner share the depth of their
story.
Within every
story is a dream, a wish, or a passion that contains a thread of identity.
Weaved together these tales become a rich tapestry that sheds light on who we
are today and who we someday hope to be. So tell a story, listen to one
another, and commit yourself to forgiveness, compassion, and new possibilities
in 2011.
1. What event
from your childhood stands out the most? Why?
2. When you
think back to when we first met and started dating, what do you remember? What
were some of the highlights for you?
3. When you were
a kid, which adult in your life influenced you the most? How?
4. What are you
the most proud of in your life so far?
5. Looking back
over our relationship, what is your fondest memory? What times stand out as the
really hard times?
6. Tell me about
your parents’ marriage. What was it like?
7. Tell me a
story about you and your best friend in childhood.
8. What was the
most embarrassing moment in your life so far? What happened?
9. What messages
did you get about gay people and same-sex relationships growing up?
10.
Tell me your “coming out” story again.
1. What are your
biggest aspirations and dreams? How can I support you in making those a
reality?
2. What personal
improvements would you like to make in the new year? How can I help you?
3. What is your
life mission? Do you see yourself as having a purpose? If so, what is it?
4. What are your
hopes for our children?
5. What would
you like the two of us to accomplish as a couple?
6. What are your
financial goals?
7. What are your
spiritual goals?
8. What areas of
our relationship would you like us to work on? What would our relationship look
like if we improved those things?
9. How do you
want people to remember you? What do you want your legacy to be?
10.
When we’re both 80 years old, what kinds of conversations would you
like us to be having?
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