WHAT NOT TO SAY TO A LESBIAN

As a lesbian or bisexual woman, you've probably heard a lot of comments you never want to hear again. Whether the person was ignorant, prejudiced or just doesn't get it, there are some things a lesbian wish she never have to hear again. Here are the top ten things never to say to a lesbian:

1. Maybe You Haven't Met the Right Man Yet

The truth is, many lesbians have dated men before they come out. Others have not. But the fact is, being a lesbian has nothing to do with how many or the quality of men you've dated. Being a lesbian is about being attracted to women and wanting to spend your sexual and social time with women.

Being a lesbian is not a choice and you can't make yourself be straight by will, praying or any other means. Unfortunately, it is possible to pretend to be straight and try to live a heterosexual life. Some women do that because they think it's their only option. But it's not. Coming out and living your true life is not easy, but it's the greatest gift you can give yourself.

Sexuality is a tricky thing. Some women know from the time they are small that they are attracted to other women and they never do date men. Other women sometimes do date and marry men either because they don't feel like it's okay to be a lesbian or they don't know how to be a lesbian. Others come out later in life because they really had no idea they were gay. Regardless, being a lesbian has nothing to do with the men in your life. It's about your own personal identity.

2. Your Life Will be so Hard

A lot of well-meaning people tell lesbians and gay men that they think their lives will be harder than that of straight people. Life for gay and lesbian people is only hard if people make it hard. Being a lesbian is not a choice. But choosing to live your truth is a choice--one that will make your life happier and freer. So, don't tell someone that being a lesbian is hard. What's really hard is trying to be something you're not.

3. Don't You Want Kids?

The notion that lesbians can't have children is outdated and just plain wrong. Of course lesbians can and do have children.

There are many ways that lesbians can have kids. Some lesbians choose artificial insemination with either an anonymous donor from a sperm bank or a friend or relative. It's even possible to implant the egg of one woman into the uterus of the other so that both can have a part in the pregnancy of the child.

And of course, adoption is something lesbian couples can consider.

And don't tell lesbians that raising children in a same-sex household is bad for the children. In fact, research has proven time and time again that lesbians and gay men make just as good, if not better, parents than straight parents.

4. You'll Go to Hell

People who are Christian and gay or lesbian have to struggle with the notion of what the religion they were raised in told them and how they feel their God really feels about them. If it is your belief that gays and lesbians will go to hell, it is only your belief. In fact, there are a myriad of religions, Christian and otherwise, who welcome gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgender people. They believe that God created gays and lesbians to live happy and fulfilled lives.

Want to know more? Check out these books on the subject.

5. But You're So Pretty!

Some people have the notion that lesbians look and act a certain way. They think that pretty girls can't be gay. In fact, lesbians come in all shapes, sizes, religions, ethnicities and hair colors. Of course lesbians can be beautiful. They're women, after all.

In fact, the lesbian community has a name for our beautiful sisters, we call them Lipstick Lesbians.

Some people, men especially, think that if a woman is beautiful and can attract the attention of men, that she would rather be with men. This is, of course, not the case. Lesbians are women who love women. How they look, dress or wear their hair, has no bearing on who they want to be in relationship with. Sorry to confuse you.

6. Can I Watch?

Asking if you can watch is so rude, it seems like I shouldn't even have to list this. But sadly, for some men, it's the first thing they think of when they meet an attractive lesbian couple. And even sadder, they let the words come out of their mouth.

We're not here for your entertainment. If you want to watch lesbians having sex, rent a porno.

7. Why Do You Have to Shove it in My Face?

Lesbian poet Pat Parker has a wonderful poem titled "For The Straight Folks Who Don't Mind Gays But Wish They Weren't So Blatant." Here are some of the lines:

Have you met the woman who's shocked by two women kissing, and in the same breath, tells you that she's pregnant? But gays shouldn't be blatant.

Or this straight couple sits next to you in a movie, and you can't hear the dialogue 'cause of the sound effects. But gays shouldn't be blatant.

And the woman in your office spends your entire lunch hour talking about her new bikini drawers and how much her husband likes them. But gays shouldn't be blatant.

Pat Parker's point, and mine, is that heterosexuality is shoved in each of our faces each and every day and most people aren't even aware of it. It's on TV, in the movies, in advertising, on the street corners, at the sports arenas "Kiss cams" and at the beach on vacation. So, if I tell you I'm gay, or hold hands with my girlfriend, I'm not "shoving it in your face." I'm just being me.

8. I Wish I could be a Lesbian

This one comes to us from well-meaning straight women. "I wish I could be a lesbian. It would be so much easier than dealing with men."

I think when straight women say this to us, they think they're being supportive. But really, by saying you wish you were a lesbian, it makes us feel trivialized, like we don't have the same issues you have in relationships, struggles understanding our partners or meeting quality people to date.

Instead of saying you wish you could be a lesbian, tell us you value your lesbian friends and are happy to support our causes, like marriage equality, workplace rights and immigration reform.

9. I Have No Problem - I Just Don't Think You Should Get Married

How many times have you heard this? "I don't have a problem with gay people. I just think marriage should be between a man and a woman."

Nice try, but the two statements contradict each other. If you support gay people, then you support our right to get married to the person we love and have all the same rights and responsibilities of marriage. If you support gay people, then you support our right to have the person we love by our bedside when we're sick, to co-parent our children, to receive our inheritance money without penalty taxes, to have us on their health insurance policy and to receive our social security and other hard-earned benefits.

If you don't have a problem with gay people, then you shouldn't have a problem with gay people having the same rights as straight people.

 10. Who's the Man?

Please don't ask a lesbian couple, "Which one of you is the man?" It's offensive. Neither is a man. That's why they're lesbians. Lesbians are women who want to be with other women. Neither wants to pretend to be a man (except maybe sometimes for role-playing, but that's none of your business.)

SOURCE: LESBIAN LIFE