I found out eight months into a relationship that lasted over a
decade. My partner got diagnosed a day later and neither of us knows who
brought it into our relationship. During our relationship, because we were both
positive and together for so long, I quickly came to terms with my status. He
encouraged me not to tell anyone and I pretty much got on with it. The problem
is, we’ve now split up and I am finding it really difficult to deal with
disclosing my status to friends and potential partners.
I recently met a great guy but I ended up dumping him after only
six months of dating - the main reason; I was positive and couldn’t bring
myself to tell him. We’ve kept in touch and he now wants me back but the
feeling that I lied to him holds me back. Relationships should be based on
trust, right? But I can’t help it; the feeling that he will reject me is a huge
factor that I just can’t handle.
Earlier this year I started counselling to help me face my HIV.
Even though I’ve been positive for so long, the protective bubble that was my
relationship has now burst and it’s like being diagnosed all over again. I'm
finding it difficult being single and going on dates. I am shocked by the
number of guys that want me to bareback them. I don’t want to put anyone at
risk but I’m increasingly feeling under huge pressure not to use condoms.
What’s more mind-boggling is that many of these guys are in their early 20's and
only once has someone asked for my status. Young guys these days just don’t
seem to care. I started using drugs as a way of escapism. Drugs make me lose my
sexual urge so I now take them on a daily basis, to avoid the need to have sex
and face all this pressure.
My counselor says that my status is my business and I should tell
people when I'm ready to. Perhaps he is right? Although I do feel like I'm
entrapping guys and once they have fallen for me, they could face a situation
where they have no choice but to accept me?
Dating: Tell them right up front. Then they can make an informed choice of whether or not they want to get to know you. Otherwise you invite drama, feel guilt, and waste both your time. It's not the ones that won't that matter... it's the ones that will. The ones that are grown up enough to deal with it? That's relationship material. Worthy of your time, love and attention. Barebacking? The moment they take that dick up their ass without asking you your status? That's consent. That's on them - not you. They know exactly what they are putting themselves at risk for. But you? Do you know what you are putting yourself at risk for? STIs, my friend. Syphilis in the barebacking community is out of control. So realize what you are opening yourself up to if you choose to dip your dick in that pool. Operate with a modicum of common sense and you will always find that the advice I just offered holds true. HIV is a totally manageable condition. But to have it means to act responsibly. Do no harm - emotionally or physically. Protect yourself, protect others. Do not be careless with people, because that shit comes back to haunt you. Bottom line: HIV does not mean you need to live your life with shame or guilt. Your former partner was wrong to make you keep it a secret. Secrets make us ill. It robbed you of the opportunity to connect with others in your situation, to get early counseling and treatment. Be good to yourself and live without guilt. - Uptonking from Wonderland Burlesque
ReplyDeleteI agree, being up front is the only way to go
DeleteOf all the stories I have heard over the past 30 years disclosure has been the one most people find difficult. Opening up a dialog to talk about HIV is hard enough & not talked about as much as it should. I think dialog is the key to at least getting the conversation started. Many time when you disclose you will run into rejection but that is a part of life, and everyone will experience it in some form or another. If the person can't handle your HIV status then that is not a problem you should be concerned with. That is really that persons problem. You should take comfort in knowing you did the right thing by disclosing & allowing yourself to be vulnerable.
ReplyDeleteI get why disclosure is so hard, but when you think about what comes with not having the discussion a few minutes of sex isn't worth it
DeleteI would tell him as I got to know him and be honest. Let that happen before any sexual activity. Also open up with a dialogue about HIV and see where his attitude is. Use it as an opportunity to educate as well. If that person rejects you over your status, then that person was never meant for you.
ReplyDeleteI like the way you think
DeleteYou seem to be listening to the fears in your head. What are you afraid of? I get it...losing your prospects and even worse the rejection. From the impression you gave me it seems like you are on a joyride with your partners, rejecting them when they get too serious and for those who are in for just sex you use them putting then at risk.
ReplyDeletePeople's sexuality is their own personal affairs. However when you are infected and can affect others then its a whole different ball game. IT IS NO LONGER YOUR BUSINESS..its everybodys. Yes thats the cost of the disease. You no longer enjoy sexual privacy so whoever you intend to go to bed with they have a right to know so that THEY can make an informed decision. Its not about you at that point,,,its THEM.
It was in my generation that the epidemic broke and many of my friends died because of the disease. It does not surprise me that young boys of this generation going bareback..its promoted and glorified by the sex industry. Knowledge is power. You know what the disease can do so you have a responsibility to educate your younger partners. Like it or not YOU ARE JUST AS RESPONSIBLE FOR THEM CATCHING IT OR NOT CATCHING IT just like how you got it and you did not know. Sex is not just penetration. Its about communication, feelings, caressing, foreplay and eventually the consummation. Anything other than that is MAN LUST acted out into raw penetration resulting into the giving of sexual disease heightened 1000% . You know that because YOU have been there.
Stop listening to your fears. Listen to your own voice, your own feelings. TELL THEM. Its no longer a big deal if you are gay in this generation and it's no longer a big deal if you are HIV+. Thankfully you are lucky to be here to enjoy modern medicine. My friends and your friends did not have that privilege. YOU OWE THEM THAT DUTY. Give your partners love and respect NOT AIDS.
Peace my brother. Do the right thing.
VERY well said, my brother, thanks for your comment
DeleteI had a younger friend who didnt tell me he was poz until 2 years into the relationship. I felt betrayed - mainly because I loved him and would have given him my total support. He later admitted that even though he was a medical professional and treated patients, he did not tell his employers about his condition for fear of losing his job. I was shocked, but still remained his friend. He met a guy (a doctor) who he started to date but to whom he did not reveal his condition. When I asked him WHY NOT, he said that if he didnt intend to go to bed with the guy, why bother to make a full disclosure?
ReplyDeleteIn short, I could no longer remain friends with this man. My decision has nothing to do with his illness and all to do with his dishonesty.
I agree with you on that, I had a friend that don't disclose to men and I couldn't be apart of that
Delete