Today is
National Coming Out day — a time that has historically been
used to encourage queer people to tell their friends and families that we
aren’t heterosexual, or cisgender, as power and privilege make that the default
assumption. While it’s served as a helpful marker for many, it’s time to expand
our understanding of what “coming out” really means — and what it
could look like reimagined.
This year, I
encourage all of us to shift our thinking from “coming out,” to “inviting
in.”
First of all,
the notion of coming out perpetuates a harmful power dynamic
that puts the pressure on queer people to more or less “confess” our identities
to people around us, which is not something heterosexual, cisgender people ever
have to do in a comparable way. There is no parallel public expectation for
people who aren’t queer to make big announcements about who they are and how
they show up in the world — and yet we’re faced with this feeling that
not coming out is somehow indicative of being dishonest, or
weak, or hiding in closets built by cisgender, heterosexual people.
There’s also a
facet of racial and socioeconomic privilege lurking behind the idea
of coming out. Often, the people who are centered
in coming out stories are white, cisgender, gay men who
come out to their families, and then have the ability to move away to
a “gayborhood” in a city and begin their new life. In these communities, social
and professional clubs serve to provide additional power and protection to
those who are privileged enough to be welcomed into these spaces.
This is not
the reality for many queer people in this country. Up to 20
percent of queer people live in rural areas, and 39
percent of LGBTQ and same gender loving (SGL) people identify as people
of color. Further, at least 8 percent of high school students surveyed in 2017
identified as LGBTQ/SGL — a number that is likely higher now — which
means that many of our youth are still under their parents’ or guardians’ roof
as they’re discovering their identity and growing into themselves.
Additionally,
the notion of coming out can be falsely perceived as a one-time
event, when in fact the pressure to come out sometimes means that we
are effectively required to re-share our identities repeatedly, in different
settings and capacities, for the rest of our lives. The pressure to
“come out” can be paralyzing, especially when done in environments and
with people who do not value our identities, experiences, or safety.
Plus, many
peoples’ identities shift over their lifetimes. Transgender people often
come out first as queer in sexual orientation, and then later as
gender variant. Bisexual and pansexual peoples’ identities are often put into
the gay or straight box depending on who they’re dating or what they look like
at any given moment, and are forced to constantly reaffirm their identities to
the people around them. People often “come out” as one thing or another
and then discover more about themselves later, which can be confounding when
the assumption is you only get one moment, a single opportunity to make a
declaration. That’s simply not the way that development or life or
relationships work for so many people — in spite of the political
identification or social construct they may claim or be forced to fit within.
The point is,
we are always changing. The notion of coming out stunts the
important and beautiful journeys many of us experience, those who have enough
courage.
The idea of
inviting in is not, by any means, limited to LGBTQ/SGL people sharing important
parts of who they are. We each have something that society tells us we should
not feel comfortable disclosing. It could be the history of mental illness in
your family, the amount of debt you carry, the fact that we don’t hold space
for people who experience miscarriages, or vestiges of childhood trauma. We
each have things that we can work on for ourselves and to learn more about
others. When we do this work, when we shift the power so that people are not
expected to offer up important parts of who they are to people who do not make
them feel safe or seen, we hold space for community building and for
healing.
Inviting in
recognizes that we are always growing, and that sharing essential parts of
ourselves is an act of love and demonstration of truth. I truly believe that
embracing this concept will help build the world we all want — and so today, I
invite you to weave it into your own life.
SOURCE: ADVOCATE DOT COM
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