Boys and ladyboys, it’s our tenth episode: In an effort to
extend the fabulousness of Season Four for another week (think of the ad
revenue!), the show is bringing back a departed queen. And since this is not
the first season they’re doing this, it’s only a matter of time before the
mysterious holding place for our fallen ladies gets a sponsor.
Sooooo…. any last-minute guesses who is returning? Well, Dida
would be too soon. Willam would interfere with them promoting the reunion show
(we’ll learn she smuggled a phone or something equally anticlimactic soon
enough). Jiggly? The judges would have sent her home sooner if they had
gotten the chance. London, Paris, Milan? Eh/meh/nah.
It appears we’re going back to Episode Five (remember
February?) to ressurect a little piece of Puerto Rico: Kenya Michaels!
Oh. Hooray?
I don't really feel much about this. I'll always remember Kenya as the queen who bombed as Beyonce at Snatch Game-passing out from too many drugs! And gave the most confused performance of a prison guard in Drag Race's extensive history.
So I must agree with the impromptu shirts our girls made
before her arrival: Top Four and No Mo!
Alas, I’ll just grin and bear it.
Oh, awesome… that’s the perfect pun segue for the
mini-challenge: decorating stuffed bears! Because, well, the producers blew
their budget on that wet t-shirt contest and bedazzling a stuffed animal is
clearly an appropriate test for America’s next drag superstar.
Well, at least the rules are easy to explain. See this pile
crafts? See that bear? GO!
After the fur settles, Kenya is deemed the winner for no
apparent reason. (You could have made a case for anyone) She even named her
bear “La Transbear” (pronounced by her as “La Tranzzzz-Pear”), a name which I’m
sure offended someone somewhere.
The main challenge is revealed: DILF, or Dads I’d Like to
Frock, where our queens will transform their assigned partner into a sister
queen. We’ve seen this before with older men (Season 2) and jocks (Season 3),
but this is the year of the dad. Yup, actual dads.
The five gentlemen introduce
themselves and assertively state how many children they’ve fathered.
It’s as awkward as it sounds.
Kenya’s prize from the mini-challenge allows her to assign
the DILFS. She takes cues from Phi Phi, doing her best to create difficult
pairings, mostly just frustrating Sharon Needles by giving her the burliest
one: “He’s too manly to be pretty!”
Coincidentally, I suffer from the exact same problem.
For the main challenge, our girls must dress up their DILFs
in “baby-bump realness.” Yup, we’re due for a maternity challenge. And to add a
random performance element, they also have to execute a burlesque
routine—because pregnancy and stripping are like PB & J..
For this episode, there’s always one question that rarely
gets answer: Why? Why do these (as described by Latrice) “burly, truck drivin’
men for real for real” sign up? Sharon’s DILF claims he wants to bring out his
inner diva—and maybe that’s reason enough—but I’d still like to hear more
justification for why someone would volunteer to have Phi Phi O’Hara boss them
around for two days.
During burlesque rehearsal, all of the DILFs—cue surprised
face!—struggle with their routines and walking in heels. Sharon’s partner has
an especially tough time with the choreography, causing Needles to fall on the
floor and moan, “I have created [a] routine that Helen Keller could do on the
first try!” Kenya’s partner follows along well enough, but he just looks damn
miserable.
When we make
it to the runway, we meet our guest judges: Ghost Whisperer extraordinaire
Jennifer Love Hewitt and Modern Family’s Jesse Tyler Ferguson.
The strip
teases are a disaster. I think? Or maybe they are brilliant? Tiny snippets of
each routine are edited together to form this burlesque Frankenstein, so we
don’t see anyone’s full act. But based on the given 2.3 seconds for each one,
I’m pretty sure Phi Phi and Chad do well. The rest seem… well, maybe the
editors were doing us a favor.
For the main
stage, it’s a baby-bump parade, which is my new favorite kind of parade.
Because instead of them throwing beads or candy, they’re throwing “carnival
pregnancy realness.” Yup. You think you’ve been served every
possible type of realness, and then Chad Michaels serves you carnival…
pregnancy… realness.
Chad
Michaels, never stop being Chad Michaels. That is all.
Latrice
Royale and her partner look so mismatched that it seems
intentional. Sharon… gets through it. Phi Phi and her DILF make teen
pregnancy look like adorable, neon fun time. But the happiness is almost
instantly stomped out when Kenya Michaels and her DILF serve the most
unnecessarily sad runway in the history of runways. Is “pre-partum depression
realness” in theDrag Race realness lexicon?
Because we
just witnessed it.
During critiques, Phi Phi gets emotional when talking about
working with her daddy mommy. They play the sad piano music, and there are
tears and hugging, and I should be feeling emotions, too, and ohmygod why are
you still talking?!
As much as I’d like to think my angry keystrokes have an
impact, they didn’t stop Phi Phi from winning the challenge. Homegirl
gets a trip Vegas. Woooo. Chad earns high marks (finishing second), and Sharon
narrowly escapes the bottom two.
Sigh. Latrice Royale, you and Kenya Michaels are
in the bottom once again. The song is “(You Make Me Feel Like) A Natural Woman”
by Aretha Franklin.
Is there a word for watching something that’s simultaneously
beautiful and excruciating? Well, we need one for this lip-synch. Latrice sings
to her baby bump, and it represents all that is perfect in the world.
Then there’s Kenya Michaels.
But I’m blaming Santino Rice and Michelle for this. You
brought her back! You deemed her worthy of returning—and possibly winning—this
show! And now, we have a queen doing the splits while wearing a maternity suit.
When she tosses her wig, I can feel the pain on Jennifer Love Hewitt’s face.
And it is such intense, pitying pain.
There’s no question about this one. Heck, there’s not even
any interview commentary to lighten the mood. Kenya Michaels, sashay away.
Again. Faster please. Thank you.
Queerty, what did y’all think of this week? Is Latrice in
danger of not making it to the final three? How awkward was the fight between
Chad and Sharon’s DILF?
Next week: it’s a canine couture. Sure. Great. Thanks.
Just no more maternity ballet.
Jason Sweeten is
worried about Latrice (twice in the bottom two!) and wants to know that it will
all be okay.
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