Remember
when Willam went home for “breaking the rules” last week? And
remember all of those questions we had? And remember how they turned
those questions into PR buzz, a well-choreographed interview circuit and
a video of Willam reading
Tweets for five minutes?
Nope. I definitely don’t remember any of that. But Dida Ritz had a
Freudian slip on the matter, “No one’s ever been kicked off in the history
of RuPaul’s Drag Race. I’m gagged!”
I
think she means gag-ordered?
Aaaanyway. The girls celebrate Willam’s departure by chanting “goodbye
shady bearded lady,” making glitter angels (right), and then reenacting the
infamous main stage scene. Sharon uses her RuPaul shirt as a
makeshift costume; Phi Phi vomits glitter while donning a wig and
a wig-beard.
But
enough about that fifth-runner up. You’re now entering
a Willam-free safe space. Proceed with smiles.
For
the mini-challenge, Ru tells the girls, “You need to stand tall by decorating a
pair of platform shoes.” Well, I guess it’s been a while since our
last craft-tacular competition, and this one comes with a heavy-handed
dose of Absolut cross-promotion! Goody.
The
girls are assigned a theme, handed their materials and are given 20 minutes to
“design” platform shoes.
Phi
Phi pulls inspiration from the Chiquita Banana woman’s vomit. And Sharon, for
no apparent reason, serves us some Navajo (or is that Nava-hoe?) realness
with shoes sporting desert rocks and “nightmare catchers.”
Jeffery
Moran, the mostly-silent marketing person for Absolut, sort of just stands
there while RuPaul announces Phi Phi as the winner. Hmm. Okay?
I
find this year’s Absolut commercial
on Drag Race to be seizure-inducing, so perhaps Phi Phi’s
design was the most “on brand.”
But the victory appears to be for nothing, as RuPaul jumps right to
the main challenge: The girls will Frock the Vote by running as drag-queen
presidential candidates. It’ll shake down similarly to The Snatch Game, except
Chad Michaels won’t be able to go as Cher again.
In
challenges that involve more thinking (as opposed to choreographing or
glitter-gluing), the workroom isn’t as dramatic. This time, the only sounds we
hear are the echoes of Phi Phi’s belching and Dida Ritz’s
brain struggling to generate political satire. Phi Phi also manages to finish
all of her prep during the commercial break. Either she’s really good, or she’s
too dim to see the challenge of this challenge. I’m opting for the latter.
For
the critiques, RuPaul brings in Dan Savage (sex columnist, political
pundit, and Santorum coiner). Then, shit gets serious: Every girl pitches
her slogans and platforms and Dan does his best to find weaknesses.
Latrice wants
to give money to HIV/AIDS patients who are on disability. Well, where
are you going to get that money? Phi Phi wants to fund a wig-making warehouse.
That’s socialism! Dida is uncomfortable talking about politics. Dan
Savage reads you and then reminds you to vote! Chad Michaels doesn’t
have any real issues to talk about. Dan Savage flashes angry eyebrows!
But
if Sharon were down in the polls, would she then run attack ads?
“Well,
I enjoy being down on a pole.” Bingo. She deflects nicely and proves she’s
sharper than the entire Republican ticket.
For the debate, Ru uses the tagline Anderson Cooper wishes he could use
for every show ever, “Give us 22 minutes, and we’ll give you an erection for
the election.”
Chad Michaels takes
on the rambling persona of “Chad ‘The Lady Pimp’ Michaels” and, while she runs
out of time during her opening statement, she turns the word “shoes” into a
curse word. It’s hilarious and endearing.
Dida comes
off as stiff—she would redecorate the White House with Ralph Lauren. And more
Ralph Lauren. And even more… Ralph Lauren. Sure, their fabrics are captivating
but get it together, girl!
Sharon takes a comedically stern approach, which makes lines like “Ladies and
gentlemen and everyone in between” pack an even stronger punch.
Latrice could
have had some decent responses, but they were buried in her index cards—not her
head. Every time the girl delivered a line, she had to stare down at those
darned notes.
Phi
Phi, who has done nothing this season but bring shame to Texas, babbles about
being a “small, Southern girl from Texas” and going “cowtipping in drag.” It’s
reminiscent of her Lady Gaga during Snatch Game: trying so hard that it’s
painful to watch.
But
the main event comes when Phi Phi is asked about who should be her
running mate, “I think that it’s so great that the help can sit there and
compete along side with me.” She then points
to Latrice and Dida.
The
help? Girl, we have a black president.
Okay,
I’m going to stop you right there. The joke was unfunny and offensive but, more
importantly, you should’ve spent less time bragging about being a debater and
more time coming up with a second joke.
The
one good thing that came of this? Latrice’s response to the question: “Politics
can get so ugly. Can you give us a time when you made peace with someone?”
“I
looked across at Miss O’Hara, and realized she was ugly—and I’m at peace with
that.” Latrice, you are my moon and my stars and my everything. Please never
change.
For the main stage, the girls dress for the inaugural ball. Dan Savage and
Jeffery Moran are guest judging.
Phi
Phi and Dida completely miss the theme. Yes, their outfits are nice.
They’re fine. There’s no thought. Just… pretty.
And
then Chad Michaels serves some Lady Bird Johnson realness (Is that a
thing? They said it’s a thing, so I guess it’s a thing). This is what every
Republican woman thinks she looks like. And—according to
Dan Savage—how Marcus Bachmann sees himself in his dreams.
Latrice
found some sparkly corset situation and called it a day. Don’t even get me
started on the bra strap she had hanging out.
Sharon
proves that you can turn almost any outfit into a respectable one with smart
justification. Her dress was transparent (as politicians should be), and
surprisingly futuristic because, “a drag queen is not going to be president
for a hundred years, so I had to think ahead.”
Sure,
it didn’t hit you over the head with inaugural realness, but it had
brains. Werk.
After
the break, we learn Chad Michaels is in the top two but Sharon
Needles is named the winner. Condragulations! Sharon wins a gift
certificate to Interior Illusions Home. Hooray? Just what a girl needs: a set
of overpriced gold lamé chairs.
To
no surprise, Dida Ritz is in the bottom two. She killed it six
weeks ago, so as long as she’s going up against Phi Phi there shouldn’t be a
problem.
Wait. A. Minute. RuPaul calls Phi Phi safe?! Pardon me while I scream
at my television. Even Dan Savage tweeted
bullshit on the matter. This means that Latrice Royale is
also in the bottom two. Nooo! Can’t we just kick off
Jiggly Caliente a second time?
Fine.
I have no choice but to accept this fate. The song is “I’ve Got to Use My
Imagination” by Gladys Knight.
Dida kicks
off her dress and gives us legs and fishnets. Nice.
But Latrice? Latrice was born for this lip-synch, “This is old
school. You need to understand where these words are coming from and get the
emotion out.”
She
takes us to church and takes down the competition. Dida, your moves
are great, but they are no match for the force that
is Latrice Royale.
Dida Ritz,
sashay away.
But
wait, there’s another twist: Just like last season, they’re bringing back
another queen! (We saw Carmen Carrera returns and sashay in the same
episode.) Who will it be this time? We’ll have to wait to find out.
As
long is it’s not Willam, I’ll be happy. (Crap! I broke
the Willam-free safe space rules). Either way, I tend to agree
with Latrice on this one, “no mo’ hoes!”
SOURCE: QUEERTY
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