“Parents are our blessing; parents are our
burden.” Whenever I make a new connection with a gay individual one of
the questions I usually ask is if they have told their parents that they are
gay and if so how did their parents react. I am amazed at the variety of
responses that people share. The reactions from parents are varied,
insane, and are as numerous as the drops of water in the ocean. Some
parents could care less about their child’s gayness- they were hippies in their
own time, believe in free love, and just want their child to be happy.
Other parents completely ignore the idea that their child is Gay- they know it
but they don’t acknowledge it. These parents just try to convince
themselves that everything is going to be ok as long as they never talk about it.
Some ultra Christian parents plead the blood of Jesus all over the place and
pray that their child is “healed” or “delivered” from being gay. The
angry parents try to force their child to just stop being gay and frown upon or
even forbid certain mannerisms, clothes, or anything else they deem “too
gay.” My mother’s way of dealing with my coming out to her was convenient
amnesia. She acts like she forgets that I’m gay. Some parents
experience a combination of the aforementioned responses and the child must
deal with their reaction accordingly. As a parent, no matter how you
respond to your child’s coming out one thing I know for sure is that you can
never “Un-say” any negative statement once you have said it. Spoken words
are concrete. So I offer the following advice to parents.
Think
before you speak. I understand that you are worried about your
child, you fear the bullies in the classroom as youth and in the board room as
adults. I realize that the gay life for your child is not the plan you had
for them. I know that you are worried about depression, HIV/Aids, and
perhaps their souls or relationship with their faith. I know that in your
mind you have their best interests at heart and are concerned about what people
will say. I’m sure you question the idea of grandchildren. I get
that you are confused and lost because you have no idea what it means to be
gay. You have watched too many news stories, read too many articles, and
have held too many prejudices to try to be content with your child’s
gayness. I know that you are hurt, upset, worried, afraid, and
confused. I also know that you love your child
and that one day the love for your child will strengthen you to see past their
sexuality. When that day comes your relationship with your child will be
hindered because of the negativity you spoke. Don’t speak rashly, think
before you speak! Think of the courage it takes for them to live their
truth. Think of the worry, the guilt, and the fear that your son has had
to overcome as he tries to figure out if you will still love him. Imagine
the thoughts that he constantly endures as he wonders if he is allowed to come
to family functions and how he will be treated once there. Close your
eyes and visualize him crying every night beating himself emotionally because
he doesn’t have the power to change who he is. Picture him begging God to
change him. See him trying to figure out why he is being punished.
Think of how alone and afraid he is as he determines that the very people who
should love him unconditionally seemingly don’t. Put yourself in his
shoes and think of how you would feel at his age having to tell your parents
the same thing. Think, feel, and imagine your child’s pain, grief, and
worry. It is pathetic that we live in a world that would rather see
someone sacrifice their own happiness so that others could feel better about
themselves.
Moreover,
it is sad that some parents have expressed more hate to their children than a
stranger ever could. If you have already talked crazy to your child
please remember exactly what you said. Not what you intended or meant-
REMEMBER WHAT YOU SAID. Remember how you said it. Remember the
moment you said it. Unless it was positive, unless in substance it
reflected unconditional love and acceptance you were wrong. If you said
anything mean, hurtful, or hateful to your child- you were wrong! If you
have ever called him a sissy or worse yet a faggot-you were wrong! If you
ever told your son to stop walking a certain way, or saying things a certain
way- you were wrong! If you ever allowed a family member to berate or
belittle your child- you were wrong! If you ever told him that God hates
him- you were wrong! If you ever told your child you did not or would not
support him in this “lifestyle”- you were wrong! If you called him nasty
or unnatural- you were wrong! If you told him that he needs to be
straight and change- you were wrong! If you told him that being gay is a
choice- you were wrong! As a parent your job is to love your child.
Your job is not to like or even agree with everything they do but it is your
job to love the way no one else can. It is wrong to hurt them and say you
are trying to protect them. Love is patient. Love is kind.
You are wrong if you purposely hurt someone in the name of love. Your
words cut deep and cannot be taken back once you have said them. I do
suggest you apologize and pray that they forgive you. Unfortunately,
while they may forgive they will never EVER forget- they always remember what
you said, how you said and when you said it. Speak responsibly.
1Luv, DL
SOURCE: THE DL DUDE BLOG
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