When couples do not understand these are anticipated and natural
events in the course of a relationship, they may start looking for the exit
door thinking that they have made a grievous mistake. But, many people don’t
realize the extent to which their relational health and happiness is under
their own control. That power lies in one’s ability to self-assess and foster
quality communication with their partner.
Below Dr. Jacqueline Del Rosario, “America’s Relationship Doctor,”
has identified 10 self-assessment questions—answers to which can not only help
a relationship survive, but also thrive so that both partners can actualize
their dreams of “happily ever after”
1. Am I putting my best face forward? People dress up in their best
clothes, make sure their hair is done, and put on makeup for the outside world.
Do you put forth the same effort to impress and excite your mate?
2. Am I still growing? You must come to a relationship, willing to
continuously improve who you are so that your relationship can continue to
evolve. Consider trying new things together.
Exploration and adventure can go a long way to keeping things fresh and
appealing and will help you understand and appreciate who your partner is
today. Continue to date and experience new things as a couple.
3. Am I continuing to invest the time and effort to maintain a
strong foundation? All good things take work, and both parties must roll up
their sleeves and commit to doing their part to add value to the union. This
includes continually stoking the flames of passion. Are you as proactive or even adventuresome in
the bedroom, or are you relegated to business as usual? Break the routine here
and watch the magic ensue.
4. What are the anchors in my relationship? What are the things
that keep you rooted and well-connected with your partner? Why are you together in the first place?
Identifying and nurturing similar values, goals, and expectancies in your
relationship are fundamental and will help you endure during the tough times.
5. How can I help improve our communication style? It is essential
to learn how each party in the partnership prefers to communicate. You must then make the conscious effort to
deliver and receive messages from your mate according to their personal style,
which may differ from yours. Knowing when and how to disseminate information is
a key relationship skill that can be a saving grace unto itself. And, during an
argument, always fight fair and with respect—no name calling, no degrading one
another, and no using your tongue as a weapon of mass destruction.
6. What unmet expectations do we each have that need to be
addressed? Unfortunately, unmet expectations are often not shared and, instead,
they can fester within and result in resentment and bitterness. How can you
expect your mate to meet your expectations if you don't voice them? It’s unfair of you to feel that your partner
“should know” or be able to decipher passive aggressive cues that something is
wrong. Met expectations equal relational
bliss, so be honest with what you need from your partner for a real chance that
those needs will be met, or even exceeded.
7. What emotional triggers might be adversely affecting my current
relationship? Triggers link back to past traumas and can hinder the way we
respond to or even perceive present day issues.
Were you lied to or cheated on in the past? It doesn’t mean you cannot
trust your current mate. Did your past partner drink too much? It doesn’t mean
this partner can’t enjoy a cocktail responsibly. Put your old baggage aside and
experience your current partner on their own merits and actions.
8. Do I stop, look, and listen? Take the time to listen to and
validate your mate. Couples often decrease their talk time once they have been
together awhile and feel comfortable. Keep the channels of communication
open—chatter about the day’s events, current events, family matters and
similar. It bonds the heart and abates the feeling of growing apart. Should a
concern be expressed along the way, it’s imperative to hear your mate and try
to empathize with how they feel.
9. Do I allow outside interference?
There is a reason “interference” is a penalty in most sports. It is
because someone is getting involved where and when they do not have a right.
This can result in focusing on the wrong issues and reinforcing dangerous and
emotional conclusions that can be detrimental to your relationship. Your
partner may also be very angry to find out that others are now involved in your
private life. Instead, go directly to your partner to resolve relationship
problems. However, if things are critical and seemingly out of both of your
control, qualified assistance can come from marriage coaches and counselors who
are there to help get the dialogue between the two of you on the right track.
10. Do I have a maintenance plan? Are you still doing what you did
to get your mate? Do you know exactly why your mate should or would want to
stay with you in the months and years ahead? What emotional benefits do you
offer your mate that others don’t? Take the time to assess what your virtues
are and even ask your mate to cite favorite qualities about you. Then, make a
concerted effort to foster these qualities to not only ensure interest remains,
but also maximize the caliber of that interest
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