I DON’T KNOW IF I’M ‘OUT’, I’M A GROWN MAN

Who the hell invented this proverbial closet I’m supposed to be “out” of? In fact, the term “out” isn’t one I’m sure I identify with. Does “out” mean that my Facebook should say “Interested in men”? Should my Instagram avatar be a picture with the guy that I’m dating? That would make me “out”, right?

Or nah.

“Are you gay?” was once a question that had the power to make my heart stop temporarily, make my body sweat instantly and take the air out of my lungs… forever, I would sometimes hope. My response was like an orgasm but in reverse. It was a question that I knew people were thinking but few were bold enough to ask.

For many of my college years, I longed to answer, “Yes” when someone mustered up the courage, but I felt I couldn’t answer truthfully because I didn’t belong to myself just yet. I belonged to my fraternity: the chapter president can’t be a gay man. I belonged to my church: the guy with the smile and hugs that the old ladies loved couldn’t be gay. I belonged to my family: these old, traditional folks aren’t ready for their pride and joy to say he won’t be giving them any grandbabies, nieces or nephews. I belonged to my reputation: the girls that I’d been with surely didn’t want to know that the guy they turned to for sexual satisfaction was beginning to enjoy lying with a man more than cuddling with a woman.

The struggle with sexuality isn’t unique. Many of us face it; however, it’s still a war that has to be waged. Maybe a few years after graduating from school and becoming more accepting of my sexuality and preferences has allowed me to gain more confidence. At this point regardless of our relationship – friend or family you will know who I am and what I do. You have a choice to accept it or not. I’ve been this way for a while now and I am the same person I was before I decided to tell you.

I dare someone ask me, “Are you gay?” today so I can answer, “Yes!” with confidence and certainty. I long for someone to ask because I can’t wait to say it.  My immediate thought is going to be “Why? What difference does it make?” but I will let that hot, initial thought pass. I’m a grown ass man. What I decide to do and who I decide to do it with are decisions that I make on my own. I’m forthcoming, but my sexuality doesn’t scream at you. It isn’t the defining aspect of who I am.

I have a few friends in the closet (or think they’re in the closet) who have asked, “So are you out now?”

I’m not sure if I’m out or not. I can’t define that and don’t care to. I just don’t give a damn about hiding it anymore: I’m grown.

SOURCE: MUSED MAG