MY SOUL LOOKS BACK…THE INNOCENCE OF SEXUALITY...

Walking on the grounds of memories past and remembering the journey of how EASILY humans can crack the whip AND give US bread crumbs if we don’t conform to their way of who we should be when it comes to OUR sexuality is a journey in this life one will NEVER forget. So how does one revolutionize the terms of HIS/HER sexuality? How does one deal with COMING OUT? For me, my journey into accepting myself has been a difficult one. From childhood I was told to hide myself from the world and fall in line. You see I LOVED playing with sister’s dolls and tea sets; we played dress up and I LOVED wearing my mother’s clothes. So @ the tender age of 6 or 7, I can remember SO vividly how I LOVED playing cowboys N’ Indians with male friends. Naturally I was the Indian that PURPOSELY got caught because I knew that my friends would grip me real tight so that I couldn’t escape. This feeling brings a smile to my face even today because I can still feel my body pressed SO firmly against my friend’s and I can still feel his penis pressed against my cute bottom…the innocence of childhood huh? Well that innocence that I had with me got changed forever when my friends and I got caught naked on top of each other. I can remember the ass whopping I got and I first learned to be ashamed of who I am AND what came SO naturally to me…From that day forward my uncle who administered the beating NEVER let a day go by without telling me that if I grew up to be a sissy that he would KILL ME! Of course I HATED him (funny how he did try years later) never mind that, I will get there VERY soon…I don’t know what happened to me because I became all about girls and seeking their affections until I turned 12. I remember walking in my neighborhood and seeing the most beautiful boy and I quickly became ashamed. I thought that that my liking boys was something I did as a little child. So I started praying and bargaining with God NOT to let me be gay because I didn’t want to be the thing that society frowns so heavily upon. Such a burden for a child to carry (too bad this spoils the theory that we can change who we are or that we some how sought out this demon)…After many years of crying I thought I was fine because I was around boys but nothing happened. So I thought I was cured because I had hidden MY light for so long that it has shrunk to an ember, making the things I did during my childhood silly AND seemingly inconsequential. Funny how things are NEVER what they seem and if I knew then what I know now, I am sure my story would be a whole lot different…But then again they weren’t able to snuff my light so as difficult as my COMING OUT experience has been, I wouldn’t change a single thing… Stay tuned my story continues…