MY SOUL LOOKS BACK…EVERY ROSE HAS ITS THORNS...

Now here I am seeing exploring a world I knew NOTHING about. The ONLY thing I knew about the homosexual world is what I heard my mother and other family members say during conversations with their friends. They would say things “who is the man and woman here?” or things like, “the woman is taken care of by the man.” So having these thoughts in my head and being out of work while meeting my first, I thought okay I have nothing to worry about…until I found out that he had NO money. I didn’t leave because I felt that money wasn’t everything (see I did have my head on when it came to certain things). So after talking to each other for a week via the phone, we made arrangements to go on a date, which ended @ his place (the part of the evening I was looking forward to). We got there he started kissing me, making me feel good ALL over…I can remember my body shivering in ecstasy which was fine with me. So I asked him to penetrate me, he was reluctant but after I kept asking him to do it, he gave in…Now this being my first I had NO idea of what to expect OR what I should do (neither did he…so it seemed).  He got some lotion and applied it on himself and then in my waiting fun hole. He kissed me then prepared to enter me…the penis head got in and I felt a pain like NOTHING on this planet. So I pushed him off me and told him I think I’ll pass…@ that moment I felt SO betrayed by the porno movies that saw because I couldn’t get down like them. But that feeling left as soon as he started to give me a blow job and I thought I had died and gone to heaven because that feeling was a feeling…you know what I mean…right? So after that night, EVERY TIME I coughed, laughed, sneezed OR burped I feel the pain in my fun hole from his penis. Now that I think about his penis was SO small, yet it hurt like a mother…No matter I guess because it was just him and I. So then on he became my life because I was becoming someone I didn’t recognize. I was lying to my family about where I was going and why I sleeping out…modeling classes actual became useful for me (damn I was good L(O)L!) and I felt no guilt @ all. So after about six months of us being alone in the world, I got a visit from an old high school friend of mine. He came to wish me a HAPPY EARTH~DAY! And we caught up with each other and I told him that I am gay and he just smiled…it was SO nice to be able to tell someone else, but I ONLY told him because I knew he was gay as well (homeboy was VERY effeminate in high school). So we became friends again and thus started the possessive streak with my first…He didn’t like the fact that I had a friend because in his mind he was out to take my first me away from him. He was TOTALLY wrong because I am NOT that type of man. To this VERY day there are quite a number of gay men that either dislike me OR stay away from because of him. I mean that’s how things are in the gay universe right? Their wanting to get in pants didn’t bother me because I knew that I was in a relationship and I am a faithful man. Too bad he didn’t know that…Yet I stayed with him because I saw him in what he didn’t see in himself…I thought all he need is time, so I gave it to him…THREE YEARS TO BE EXACT! This man would insist that he go EVERY WHERE I go and when I stood my ground he did things like burrow a friend’s car and followed me and my friends around to the various places we went. When I got home I would get calls asking me about the blow job I performed in the DIRTY ASS bathroom @ the club or who I was kissing here and there…all things others did to try to break us up because I wouldn’t give them the time of day. They had his number and he was TOO stupid to see it. My relationship was wearing me down so I thought maybe I should get a job so we could save some money and move in together…my thoughts were we could be together day and night and that would show him the man he has in me (guess God don’t let certain things happen for a reason huh?) This dude thought that I wanted to leave him…his words to me were, “what happens if you meet some manager who could give you all the nice things in the world?” To which I said, “well if I leave for a man with money, then I am doing you a favor right?” I mean why be with a man that bails for another just to have money and the things that come along with it? There was an ad in the paper looking for a messenger and office clerk @ this offshore bank…of course he told me that I wasn’t qualified for the job so I shouldn’t apply. I was like whatever…I applied got the job on the same day of my interview. He STOPPED going to work so he could follow me around as I did my various messenger stops for the company (which was seen by the top managers of the company). He followed me home to which I begged him NOT to do because people in the neighborhood were starting to talk about our relationship, but he didn’t care. My VERY Christian aunt started snooping around, questioning me and accusing me of the things people was telling her about me. I just shrugged things off because hear say doesn’t matter (so I thought). This man that I let inside my world was turning things upside down but I fought things and kept myself together…To this day I have NO idea how I did that, but I did…I kept a smile on my face because I knew what I wanted for myself…I was 20 @ this time and by the time I turned 21, I had NOTHING to smile about anymore, my joy was gone and it was replaced with anger …anger @ myself for doing what my family told me NOT to…NOW COMES THE HARD PART…