I KNOW THAT NOEL IS HAPPY FOR ME, BUT...

I believe that happiness is the art of living, the purpose of our existence. It is THE true index of the quality of one’s life. Without it life is dry and meaningless…So going from day to day watching Noel sink into his frustration about him not being able to provide for himself hurts me. I understand how he feels; he is living in a country that is not his

(he is from St. Vincent and the Grenadines) which means that employment here for him is not easy @ all. So that means his bills and other things pretty much falls on me…and where that doesn’t bother me @ all, it sure does bother him. Being an independent person, it takes A LOT to accept that life has you in a place where you have to depend on others. I just see it as the give and take of life…But through all of this I’ve come to realize that as long as Noel isn’t able to contribute he will NOT be happy here.

I could make a million dollars a second and that still wouldn’t matter to him! There have been a few good things that came way recently: wining an essay competition about HIV/AIDS, being asked to apply for a permanent position @ my temporary government job, being told that the boss of another job I’ve been after wants to meet with me when he comes to Nassau (I will blog about these later). Noel says he is happy for me, but since he is not given these chances, I feel like he doesn’t fully appreciate them…I wish that he would realize that these things aren’t just for me, but for US!

I know that we are different and I have taught myself that happiness means that I am FREE from expectations and I want nothing from anyone. I have taught myself how to see the optimistic side of things NO matter how high the cards are stacked against me. I would be lying if I said that I wish Noel wasn’t a little more like me. It hurts to know that I can’t make him see that THE largest influence in our relationship is the unspoken dynamics that occur beneath the surface of our conscious awareness.

He is SO distracted and since he got back from his internship,I felt like I’ve been waiting for the light to come back in his eyes.

There are times when I wonder if he regrets his decision to be with me because things are not to his liking…I LOVE that he is driven just like me, but him burying himself with what he does not have, he is unable to take stock of what is going on around him. Every so often I ask him to tell me that he knows that we will get to Canada by year’s end and he can’t even say it. Sometimes I wonder if he thinks I am from another planet or something because I am calm as I move from day to day and I can see us in Canada this time next year playing in the snow…

So I will stand in the gap and carry the happiness for both of us. I understand that we are @ different levels of consciousness and though we chose to walk down life’s road together, I have NO problems carrying him on my back until he is strong enough to walk on his own. After all we have chosen certain lessons and made agreements to be who we are in the unfolding of this world’s understanding before we incarnated in this lifetime. So my job is LOVE him with EVERYTHING that I am and allow him to be…Though we live in a world of duality, which helps us to experience the material plane, he knows that we don’t need to experience extremes to understand them…I JUST CAN’T SHAKE THE FACT THAT I KNOW THAT NOEL IS HAPPY FOR ME, BUT…