Apparently, I am not a very good homosexual.
I have had a
real education this week. I started listening to Bryan Fischer, the Director of
Issues Analysis for the American Family Association. He is very smart and has
provided me with an eye-opening education. He is teaching me about what it
means to be gay. I have learned things I never knew before. I am not sure what
his credentials are, but he talks about homosexuality quite often, so it is
obvious that he is an expert.
First, he has
made it clear to me that the average homosexual has hundreds of sexual partners, some as many as 500 or 1,000 in a
lifetime. I did not know this. He said that we homosexuals admit this in our
own literature, but I haven't read that literature. I feel so remiss! I am way
behind. I am not getting any younger, so it seems that if I want to be at least
average, then I'd better start sleeping around more. I figure if I find at
least one new lover each week for the next few years, I will be getting closer
to filling my quota. What have I been thinking these past 16 years, being
monogamous? Precious time has been wasted.
I also found
out, thanks to Mr. Fischer, that I need to get some poppers. Using poppers is the way that gay
people stay sexually stimulated for more than one sexual encounter in the same
night. I did not know this. If I want to get closer to 1,000 or at least 500
sexual partners, it is a good idea to get some poppers so that I can maintain
sexual activity with more guys per evening. And did you know that the research
says that 96 percent of us who engage in homosexual behavior are
using poppers? And that poppers are the main reason for the spread of AIDS?
They sound so dangerous! I am so out of the gay loop that I do not know how one
even goes about getting poppers. Can you order them online? Or will I have to
find a drug dealer on a street corner somewhere?
I also might
need to reevaluate Nazism. I always thought that Nazis were reprehensible, but
I did not know that we homosexuals are closely aligned with them. Why is it not
more widely known that the Nazi party was started in a
gay bar and consisted largely of homosexuals? Thank goodness
for Mr. Fischer. This fact would have gone largely unnoticed if he had not
brought it to the world's attention. He also says that today's homosexuals are basically Nazis. I want to be a good
homosexual, so I better give this whole Nazi thing a second chance.
Mr. Fischer
says that gay parenting is "inhumane." I do not have children, but he
reminded me that if I want to be a good gay, I need to start recruiting
other people's children early on. I have not done any gay
recruiting before. How embarrassing! He does not provide any information about
how to recruit, but I bet it is outlined carefully in the gay literature that I
have failed to keep up on. For now, I will start hanging around schoolyards so
I can build trust with some kids, and then I will slip in some gay recruitment
techniques later.
I am a little
confused about one thing, though. Mr. Fischer says that it is God's design to
have one sexual partner for life. I thought the Bible said that
Abraham, David, Jacob, and Solomon had had multiple wives and/or concubines. I
must be reading it wrong. I hope Mr. Fischer teaches a Bible study class so
that I can register. Also, I am gay, and I only have one sexual partner
(currently), and Mr. Fischer has made it very clear that being gay is against
God's design, so my monogamy does not make any sense.
Well, you can
see that Bryan Fischer has really got my mind reeling! I am totally
reevaluating my whole approach to being gay. Maybe I was recruited incorrectly
when I was a child, or maybe my lack of knowledge of up-to-date research is to
blame for my lapse in good gayness. I want to be a better homosexual, and that
means more sex, drugs, Nazis, coercing children, and on and on and on. I have
my work cut out for me!
No comments:
Post a Comment