Dear God: if GAY means happy, why are WE so sad?

Is it the illusion of’ The Life?’ living an existence that is impaired to society. I am not my gender or my sexual orientation. However, I recognize "this illusion for what it is. I see us as people behave in ways that quite possibly go against our TRUTH! Whether we are at the sex party, the bar/club, we see him (a stranger) and we must have HIM. Everything hinges on him responding, and if he does not, we may act out in other ways all in the hopes of capturing that "illusion." "The illusion" could last between a few minutes…Spending the weekend or lifetime. Enjoying each other sexually funny how at that very moment you are wishing that this was not with a stranger, hoping this is the MAN GOD send for you. But you're in that moment so you fall into the illusion. The truth has been revealed…So I say, be the VICTOR not the victim...I am a part of this community and I embrace it. I embrace that we have sex parties, we have the bars & clubs, and frequent by effeminate men. That men will not date others because they are HIV positive. That I am no thug, that there are thugs, that there are men who identify as tops, bottoms, and versatile and through it all we are ‘The Life.’ I am Opened to The Life!’ I don't know who I am. I do know who I am not. I am not my body or my clothing. I am not my emotions or my feelings. I am not my thoughts or my desires. I am not my job or my money. I am not my partner or my family. I am not my past. I am not my future. I am not even my present. Who am I? I am who I am. Who are you? Think outside “The Life!’ don’t’ be a 24-HOUR SISSY you know the ones that are into cat-walking stealing and gal-ish dealings…prisoners to be. A whole man wasted just living for the thrill & pleasure, not a FUCKIN’ hope in the world. Never realizing that a gal-ish man is a shattered being, blocking the reality that only comes from deep inside, after all self-actualization is something they don’t need. Leaving the world to be ashamed to call HIM by HER name. Not respecting herself, not realizing…The beauty that is ‘MAN’. Just being selfish! Disgracing being, a beauty that can’t be harness. Making dumb choices, your not wining, your losing as a matter of fact, you are lost! So many lost dreams… a man wasted, can’t stand up proud & strong. But who needs strength and pride with a mini-skirt, Penis tucked & 6 inches pumps on your feet? So uncool to be fashion-sense-less, Versace, Armani, & Gucci is all good and well, It gives you a stain in the uncertainness cause when it's time you know don’t have to know how to read & spell Not willing to make babies, Or even think about marriage. That REALITY is just too real…just trying to feel, act & be…anything…nothing, living a life that totally goes against what GAY stands for.