Well, I’m glad
you asked. Here are a few top tips to negotiate the murky waters of the dreaded
break-up.
1. Be honest
It seems
incredibly obvious, but when you have to have these difficult conversations you
need to be honest with yourself and your partner. They’ll probably know you
pretty well and so will immediately clock your behaviour when it’s
disingenuous. You’d appreciate them being honest too, right? It would be an
insult to your relationship to not have an open discussion about something so
important. Of course, being honest is incredibly difficult and sometimes our
whole being resists it, but, it’s worth making the effort. How could you even
know that you wanted to break up for sure unless you could articulate those
words to your partner? Just getting those feelings out might be the beginning
of a conversation that leads to your reconciliation – or maybe it doesn’t – but
at least you’ve talked it out honestly. And you’ll both feel better (in the
long run) for choosing to do that.
2. Be sensitive
OK, so I might
appear to be going back on what I just said but 100% unfiltered honesty is not
exactly helpful sometimes. People do appreciate honesty, but they also appreciate
sensitivity. For example, if you decide to break up with someone because you no
longer find them attractive then you might argue that you should admit that.
Well, I’m not arguing that you shouldn’t tell them, but there are definitely
two ways to say that: I don’t fancy you any more, or, I don’t feel the same way
as I did when we first met. You need to think about how what you say is going
to affect your soon-to-be ex-partner. You don’t want to hurt them
unnecessarily, and as their partner, you’ll probably already have a good idea
of how to hurt them deeply – so don’t, if you possibly can.
3. Anger is
temporary
Feeling angry
with someone and exercising that anger in the form of a fiery fuck-word-filled
tirade feels great. And there are times when someone needs to be told they’re a
massive dickhead and given a dressing down for putting you through hell. So, if
that’s the case go ahead and exercise that anger straight at their shitty mug.
But I would say that very few people intentionally set out to be dickheads and
everyone is capable of hurting someone, particularly inside a relationship. The
funny thing is we’re not so forgiving of these transgressions when we commit
them ourselves. People generally don’t set out to irreparably damage each
other. That’s just an unfortunate consequence of caring deeply about someone –
they can bring you immeasurable joy but also untold pain. So if and when that
break-up moment comes, try and be forgiving. This might be the last time you
see each other for a long time, or ever again. It would be better to end it
with a memory befitting the good times you shared rather than with a sour,
spiteful attack which you’ll always regret.
4. Don’t be a
bitch
It would be
very easy for the conversation to descend into a mud-slinging contest, seeing
who can out-blame the other party. Well, you looked at that boy on my birthday.
Well, you were messaging that bloke on Grindr! Well blah blah blah blah blah,
so on and so forth in a never-ending loop of terminal boredom. And while it’s
very tempting to play this game, it’s not constructive and it’s definitely not
cute. The only reason you’re doing it is because you’re hurting. You might have
every reason to bring up some of the failings of your boyfriend in this
conversation because, yeah, he may have fucked up and he may need to know that.
But, be very sure that’s the reason you’re trying to find fault in his actions
and not because you’re avoiding confronting your own failings, or worse, simply
trying to wound him.
5. Be clear and
listen
If you’re the
party severing ties, it’s vital to be clear about why you’ve decided to end the
relationship. You don’t want to leave any doors open, or give them hope that
your feelings might change if you know they won’t. It’s understandable that you
don’t want to hurt them so there could be a temptation to tell them what they
want to hear, that your feelings might change, or that you’re not 100% sure at
the moment so you need time to think. You might think you’re being kind, but
really it’s a selfish cop-out that only serves to make you feel less guilty.
And it’s incredibly cowardly because when your ex finally does realise that
it’s well and truly over, you won’t be around to deal with the fallout. At the
other end of the spectrum, if you’re the dumpee then you need to make sure that
you don’t try and convince yourself that your ex is going to change his mind.
Of course he could change his mind but it’s dangerous to hope for something you
can’t control. You can’t change his mind and your energies might be better
spent adjusting to life post break-up, rather than dwelling on life before it.
6. Be kind
Be the kind of
person you’d like your partner to be in that situation: honest, sensitive and
emotionally intelligent. You will get upset because you care about this person,
and I wouldn’t suggest that you try to conceal those feelings. You have to feel
it to know it’s over. So be kind to yourself and your partner. You’ll both
appreciate it.
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