NO SHOUTING

More and
more, it seems like people are yelling at me. This is especially noticeable on
local and cable news, TV and radio ads, morning, afternoon and late night talk
shows, religious channels, entertainment tabloid shows, and, NPR aside, radio.
It's almost as if all the news anchors, reporters, product pitchmen, talk show
hosts, politicians, sportscasters, DJ's and preachers have forgotten how good
modern microphones are. Regardless, the purpose of vanity cards is not just to
point out the problem, it's also to propose the solution. And here's one: The
Whisper Channel. A cable news channel where everyone, including advertisers,
speaks in gentle, dulcet tones. Our marketing tag line will be one word,
"shhh." Instead of grinning, shouting, overly-coiffed failed actors,
our news anchors will be regular folks with beautiful speaking voices who, just
to be on the safe side, have been heavily sedated. Think of it. You've had a
brutal day at work. Traffic on the way home was a righteous bitch. You crawl
into your home which is worth far less than you paid for it, and, because you
want to stay informed, you turn on The Whisper Channel where a pleasant-looking
woman with real hair, real nose, real wrinkles, real breasts and teeth the
color of teeth, soothingly tells you about the latest terrorist attack, stock
market fiasco, school shooting and, just to keep it interesting, emergency
recall of the anti-anxiety meds you've been taking because they might cause
impotence, blindness and insanity. But because of the way she says it, you are
hunky dory. 

ALTERNATE MARKETING TAG LINE:

the whisper channel...

where human civilization sliding into the abyss

is nothing to shout about.

SOURCE: CLP VANITY CARD