THE AFFAIR YOU DON'T KNOW YOU ARE HAVING...

An e-mail here, a smile there. Maybe that "innocent" friendship with your guy friend isn't so innocent after all....More Than Just Friends? The signs of an emotional affair may be more subtle than those of a sexual affair, but they're just as unmistakable. "An emotional affair happens when you put the bulk of your emotions into the hands of somebody outside of your relationship," explains psychotherapist M. Gary Neuman, author of Emotional Infidelity. Your innermost thoughts, funny jokes, and interesting personal experiences are saved up and spilled to the other guy instead of your spouse. And even if you never so much as touch him, this emotional attachment has just as much potential as a sexual fling to damage your marriage. "We only have so much emotional energy; the more of it we spend outside of our marriage, the less we have inside our marriage," says Neuman. "And after a while, we simply do not have enough emotions and love and caring and time for both."

Once you're drawn into an emotional affair, it can feel so good that you don't want to stop. In fact, not having sex may make the connection seem all the more powerful. It feels genuine, romantic even, and isn't easy to let go of because it's so "safe" — or so it appears. But inevitably, you start unfairly comparing your husband to this other man, says Neuman, which compounds the damage. "You don't have the stresses of everyday life together, so the new guy can be very humorous, very cute, and very giving," he says. "You go back to your spouse and you're comparing him to this guy in pieces: He'll never be as handsome as this guy or as funny as this guy or as giving as this guy." While emotional affairs rarely break up couples, they can leave a marriage torn and tattered. "The affair saps so much emotional energy and core values away from your relationship," says Stosny, "that you'll undoubtedly feel guilty and irritable and blame your husband for these bad feelings."

GETTING OUT

Even after you've recognized your emotional affair and the damage it's causing your relationshp, slamming on the brakes is easier said than done. Says Stosny, "Many emotional affairs turn almost obsessive simply because you never had sex to consummate your fantasies." As tough as it is, quitting the relationship cold turkey is the best way to move past an emotional affair for real and for good. "Setting boundaries for continued contact will only raise the taboo level and, along with it, the excitement, the obsessions, and the motivation," says Stosny.

The aftermath of an emotional affair can have an upside: "Failing your own values can make you more committed to them in the future," says Stosny. So consider the experience a wake-up call to what is missing not only in your relationship but also within yourself. " And while Stosny and Neuman say it's not imperative that you admit your “affair” — in fact, you may even hurt your relationship needlessly by doing so — some don't feel like they can fully move on unless they come clean.

SOURCE: WEBMD