I AM...

I am whatever YOU think I am until YOU get to KNOW me. This is true for everyone else too, of course.. so don't make assumptions about anyone or pass judgment; ask questions. You might just make a new friend.


Thursday, August 24, 2006


What do you do when you have been doing this for the past 20 years and it no longer satisfies you or is fun but something to do as its been something you have done for the past 20 years?
What do you do when you get this physically attractive man who surprises you and sucks your dick (smile) and after you both nut, he goes his way and you go yours and you wonder is that it?
What do you do when you get sick and tired of getting by and move from the land of "good enough?"
What do you do when you move away from a place that has been home for so many years and you are now living alone for the first time and the wonderment of this experience is at times overwhelming? Do you stick it out or do you go home?
What do you do when you know that is not what you want but it is so readily available?
What do you do when it happens? Someone wishes to get to know you and is truly interested in you but you're not used to someone being interested in you or giving you this much attention and you wait and wait as you know the other shoe is about to drop or you start questioning yourself as to "he likes me?" even though this is what you have been wanting for the longest and now that it is here, you don't know what to do? So you push him away and hook up with someone who is going to do the exact opposite as that is what you know.
What do you do when you are feeling so alone that all you do at the office or really passionate about is checking your adam4adam or blkgaychat account hoping to meet someone to ease this emptiness that is inside of you?
What do you do when you know that smoking, drinking to the point of excess, engaging in casual sex, is truly not what you want, but at times the feelings of loneliness come over you and you just want to escape and at that moment those things are the thing readily available?
What do you do when you continue to get up in the morning with high expectations but only to be shot down once you walk out your home?
What do you do when you are constantly reminded that no one wants you based on you being too femme, HIV-positive, fat, not working but looking, that you don't have face or body but you're a good person, et cetera, et cetera, et cetera?
What do you do when at 33 years of age you have yet to experience a relationship? Do you just throw in the towel and say "Fuck It?"
What do you do when you seek out the best that is YOU only to be reminded that the best in YOU is not good enough?
What do you do when the lights are out and you are in the throes of darkness and you see that faint light but to fully experience the light you have to get passed the drugs, the sex, and alcohol, the expectations and/or false illusions that you have accepted and push through all of that to truly stand in the light?
What do you when you find truth in what I say? Do turn your back on it and pretend as if it doesn’t exist? Or do you grab a hold of it and own it with your fist?


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