· Guest Judges: Aubrey
O'Day and Joan Van Ark
· Mini-Challenge: Whatcha
Packin' - Match male models wearing the same pairs of Andrew Christian
underwear
· Mini-Challenge
Winner: Ivy Winters
· Main
Challenge: Create, market, and film a commercial for a signature fragrance
· Challenge
Winner: Alaska
· Main
Challenge Prize: A selection of handmade corsets from Corset Connection
· Bottom Two: Alyssa
Edwards and Ivy Winters
· Eliminated: Ivy Winters
Last week, the “shante you both stay” moment was greeted with epic
orchestral music, uncontrollable sobbing, and confetti raining from the
heavens. OK, confetti wasn’t in the budget, but you get the idea. This week:
only a sad little banner that says “after the non-elimination.” How quickly we
gain perspective! Roxxxy admits that this was the first time her childhood
trauma made her cry, and is likely thrilled to realize how thick and juicy her
tears are. Her sense of compassion also has some cushion for the pushin’,
allowing her to give Jinkx an apology with a big ol’ tank ass on it. (Just
kidding: that “sorry” looks a little bony to me.)
At least no one went to bed angry. They all march in the next
morning looking fresh-faced and ready to kill each other with kindness, which
is a nice change from their usual efforts to kill each other with killing.
After a SheMail about smells, Ru segues into a mini-challenge about men’s
underwear. No one comments on that juxtaposition. Though the game involves
on-demand partial nudity from gorgeous models and at least one porn star (I see
you, Brent Corrigan, and I need you to stop denying our love), it’s still just
Memory at its core. Have you ever watched your toddler nephew play Memory seven
times in a row? It wears thin.
Ivy Winters, it turns out, can make the quickest matches — I have
no doubt she immediately updated the Special Skills section of her professional
resume. Her prize, a phone call home to her mom, is anticlimactic all around;
the show barely touches on it when it happens, so neither will I. She has a
great relationship with her mom. Snooze. Transitioning back to the topic of
scents, Ru informs the contestants that they must create a fragrance, design
its packaging, and write and film a commercial for the product.
What ensues is a revealing and often harrowing exploration of each
contestant’s psyche.
Ivy initially pitches a product called Poisoned Rosebud. It
titillates her that the name could mean “deadly anus” if you worked it hard.
Like, really stretched it… just lubed it up and punched it,
you know? Ru, on the other hand, thinks the concept is geared toward too old a
crowd. Hey, MILFs enjoy smelling like death ass too, OK? By the time she gets
in front of the camera, Ivy has switched bottles and names, but Dress Code
doesn’t seem any more promising, especially since its spokeswoman is a twitchy
robot. Then again, it’s impressive that the robot is a transformer. You know
you gasped when that dress turned into that other dress.
Making specious use of the phrase “double entendre,” Detox names
her concoction Heroine. Despite the negative feedback she got for her whispers,
that Jekyll and Hyde vocal performance had me laughing all the way to rehab.
Alaska hasn’t won a challenge yet. If you did a shot every time she
said so, you’d be dead and embalmed. Worse still, it looks like she’s headed
for failure when she tells Ru that her perfume smells like dirt and Ru tells
her that the name Red is already taken. Luckily, the ad shoot is smooth like
buttah because Miss Thunderfuck 5000 (who should be a robot
with a name like that) knows what she wants and she knows how to get it: by
spinning around and making ridiculous faces.
The lack of reinforcement is beginning to wear on Jinkx, but she
apparently has an understanding connection with Ivy to help her through. Also, there’s
the little boost you get from totally nailing the challenge. Though her
unedited performance in front of the green screen serves humorless camp and
sexless sex, the finalized commercial for Delusion delivers the perfect
pretzel-thighed punchline.
The remaining queens drive right down the middle of the road.
Roxxxy Andrews sells Thick and Juicy, a luscious blend of oils that she
absolutely bastes herself in while describing its rich, savory aroma. I’m
almost positive it’s just a bottle of gravy. RuAnimal by Coco (by Coco) is a
psychedelic nightmarescape of bulging eyes, animal prints, and a mask borrowed
from Alaska. As for Alyssa, I suspect her secret is that she’s been
functioning all these years with half a pig brain. The memory of the truck stop
transplant she received will resurface next week and earn her immunity, no
doubt.
Back in the workroom, Alaska pulls out a book of pictures to show
the queens. It’s cute how she talks like it’s a photo album when really it’s a
published collection by a friend, for which she wrote the forward. No URL and
wink to the camera? Hasn’t Ru’s shameless product whoring taught these girls anything?!
Meanwhile, Jinkx confesses her relationshippy feelings for Ivy Winters, which
gives my heart the hugest boner.
I’m glad we get a proper runway since there wasn’t one last time.
Jinkx in vintage Hollywood elegance and Detox in a subtext-on-top transparent
gown both earn praise, but are only safe. The top prize goes to Alaska for
creating the only tolerable fragrance and finally, finally wearing
something other than a slinky little dress. Roxxxy serves fetal realness in
that glossy pink cat suit complete with umbilical cord bow, but still manages
to slide by; Coco’s overaccessorized white tiger or zebra or heffalump also
dodges a bullet. That leaves Ivy and Alyssa to make their final sales pitch, as
it were.
The battle isn’t exactly a photo finish. Ivy, decked out in
something Nancy Kerrigan decided not to wear 20 years ago, can’t dance and
doesn’t know the words. The comparison makes Alyssa shine all the brighter as
she moves like Jagger and dresses like a coked-up werewolf at a board meeting.
Casting Miss Winters aside with an epic final yodel, Ru establishes that I’ll
miss the way she says that name more than anything else.
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