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Tuesday, September 2, 2014


My husband, whom I have been with for 16 years, has been cheating on me.  I found out accidentally through a mis-sent text.  This has been going on for at least several months. I am heartbroken, angry and feel totally betrayed. He says that his relationship with the guy he’s been with meant nothing and it was just fun sex.
He swears it’s over and that he really wants to stay with me. But he also says that he sometimes just wants to have sex with someone else and that he thinks monogamy is unrealistic. That said, he says he will try to be monogamous if I insist on it as a prerequisite to staying in the relationship. Well, I know that I do not want to have an open relationship. But I wonder if I am being realistic to expect that two men can really have a monogamous relationship. I also have no idea how to trust him if we stay together.
Any pointers would be greatly appreciated. 

What are your thoughts? 

What advice would you give this person?


  1. you should try to enjoy a love monogamous relationship, but an open one sexually! for you and for him! for men be monogamous sexually is so difficult. You should be aware of that!

    1. it is difficult but not impossible, I feel if they can't get what works for them both maybe it is time to end things

    2. I know some sexually open couples and they're happy! you should find your equilibre!

    3. well his partner might have to do that

  2. That's crazy...He need to stay single if he can't commit to only one man! Then he's free to explore.. enough said!

    1. I hate to say this. I believe many times people get into relationships expecting something that a person don't have to offer. There are things about you that will not change. And there are things about him that will not change. You guys could say and do whatever you can in your power to change, truth is, you have to be who you are or the relationship will be strained. I firmly believe that a man who likes to go out every now and then and dip other places can not be totally monogamous. If that is something you feel you can't deal with then understand that the relationship is strained . Open relationships is not your thing . Your man likes to meet other guys. You have two different ideals of a relationship. you could either go open or have a "Don't ask Don't tell" policy. Either way he's going to go out and meet others. Whatever the situation BE HONEST to him expect honesty from him and most of all BE HONEST TO YOURSELF. If this is something you are willing to work with communicate that. If not, why be in a relationship where both parties are miserable ? Hope all works out.

      The Male Casting Couch

    2. honesty is the order of the day no matter what, thanks for your comment

  3. Safety first. Make sure you get tested, and urge him to do so as well.

    Love doesn't go away overnight; however, this is troubling for you. 16 years is a long time, but from what I understand with cheating, it's usually because something is lacking in the relationship. If you both have done all you can do to please each other sexually, yet he still goes out to others, as one person stated, the relationship is strained.

    I can't say what I'd do in that particular situation because I'm an emotional being that is also clinically depressed, but usually my reaction is to retreat and make everything go away by shutting off all communication. However, that would just make the situation become a hurtful trigger in the future. Open relationships aren't for everyone, but it seems he is eager to go out and mess with others, and just because you give the say so for him to stop cheating, he still cheated.

    Consider your health - physical and emotional - and try your best not to allow his infidelity to consume you. It's time to plan what you want out of this relationship, considering your options. You can always have love for someone, and if sex is intertwined, which is normally is, a part of you will always feel that you gave yourself out of love and he violated that love by sharing that connection with someone else.

    Take time to yourself to reevaluate what you want out of this relationship that will not damage you in the long run. If you feel you need to get even, that may not help in the end. If you feel that he needs to go, talk it out with him from every angle. Much love goes out to you.

    Best of luck.