“It can be
tempting to jump back out there and get over a breakup by finding someone new
or distracting yourself with work,” says licensed clinical psychologist Shauna Pollard, Ph.D.
“However, it's usually more helpful to think about how you ended up at the
point of breaking up and whether there's anything you'd like to do differently
in future relationships.”
It may not
always feel that way, but the period of time after a breakup can be an
opportunity. As Pollard puts it, breaking up can often be “the fuel for
personal growth.”
“During this
pivotal moment, reflection can help you process what just happened and help you
create a blueprint for moving forward. Take this opportunity to process your
feelings and learn from your breakup,” adds relationship expert and coach Emyli
Lovz, co-founder at Emlovz.com.
If you’re on
the fence about putting yourself out there again, here are five important
questions to ask yourself before downloading Tinder on a whim:
1. What Went
Wrong?
Were you and
your ex on a different page about the future? Did you argue a lot? A breakup is
rarely about a single event. Think about the series of choices and
circumstances that led to your separation, and whether there were fundamental
issues in the dynamic of your relationship, from communication challenges to
imbalances in meeting needs.
“Ask yourself
what went wrong, why, and how to address these issues in your next
relationship,” Lovz suggests.
And while you
do want to be honest with yourself about your role in the demise of your
relationship, blaming yourself can be counterproductive, says Samantha Daniels,
author, dating expert and founder of Samantha’s Table
Matchmaking.
“After a
breakup, it’s easy to blame yourself and continually think about things you said
or did and what you could have done differently. However, it’s important to
realize that it takes two to tango and that a breakup is usually never just one
person’s fault,” she says.
Both Lovz and
Daniels agree: Assessing what happened with a bit of distance is crucial before
entertaining the idea of dating again.
“You need to
be able to process your breakup in an objective and realistic way before you
can start dating again or else your head won’t truly be in the new dating
game,” says Daniels.
“It gives you
a chance to reset romantically and emotionally so you’re able to give your
everything in your next relationship,” adds Lovz.
2. What Went
Right?
Obsessing over
how perfect your ex was is not an objective nor realistic picture of your past
relationship. And neither is ranting about how they were the worst person ever.
Now that you’ve taken an honest look at what went wrong, it’s time to take an
equally honest look at what went right.
For example,
maybe you had fundamental compatibility issues around deal breakers such as
having children, or where you wanted to live. But maybe you appreciated how
unconditionally accepted you felt in that relationship.
Understanding
the positive and fulfilling aspects of your former relationship is key, because
it allows you to look for them and create them when you start dating again.
3. What Can I
Do Differently Moving Forward?
With a more
balanced, holistic view of the dynamic between you and your ex, think about
what you would do differently moving forward. You don’t want to repeat the same
patterns with a new partner, after all.
Dr. Marisa T.
Cohen, Ph.D, MFT, a relationship scientist and relationship coach for HILY, the dating app,
suggests asking yourself questions such as, “In what ways was I able to show up
for the relationship and my partner?” and, “In what ways do I feel as if I
could have contributed more to the relationship?” to reflect on the learnings
you want to carry into a new relationship.
4. What Am I
Looking For?
Learning what
you would do differently matters, but you also need to get clear on what you’re
looking for in a partner the next time you open your heart to someone new.
“What does a
fulfilling relationship look like? What traits, values, or worldviews is it
important for you and your partner to share?” says Cohen.
According to
her, asking yourself these types of questions allows you to conceptualize what
a valuable and fulfilling relationship is — and will also help you determine
compatibility with future romantic prospects.
5. Am I Still
Grieving?
Finally, there
is one more thing you need to get very, very honest with yourself about before
considering dating again. Dating apps are full of people trying to get over
other people by dating new ones. If you’re still grieving your past
relationship, you’d be doing yourself — and others — a disservice by starting
to date.
The thing is,
there are no set rules or timelines about when you’re truly
over someone. Grief is an individual journey, and the way your breakup
unfolded can influence how you process the loss.
“When breakups
feel sudden and are unanticipated, it can lead to a longer grieving process.
Often, in a breakup there will be an initiator and a partner,” says Cohen. “The
initiator is able to slowly contemplate life post partnership while in the
security of the relationship.”
“For the
partner, they have yet to go through this process when the relationship ends,”
she adds, “so it may require more time to fully experience and process the
emotions associated with the breakup before being ready to date again.”
“It is
important to note that each person is different, each relationship is
different, and the nature of the breakup varies, so you can’t draw a
generalization such as ‘wait X amount of time before pursuing a new
relationship,’” adds Cohen.
According to
Daniels, signs that you’re not ready to date again include comparing every new
person to your ex or still feeling resentment about the breakup.
“Do you still
feel bitter about the breakup? If you do, that negative energy might come out
on a date which would be counterproductive. It’s important that you can go on
dates with new people with a smile on your face and positive energy,” she says.
Don’t despair,
though: Introspecting by asking yourself questions such as the ones above is a
powerful step towards eventually being ready to date again — and this time,
you’ll be wiser and have a deeper understanding of yourself and relationships.
SOURCE: ASK MEN DOT COM
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