There can be
serious weight to that consideration, too. A good breakup can mean a guilt-free
next few months for you, and maybe even friendship with the ex over time; a bad
one can have all kinds of unexpected negative consequences, for you, for your
ex, and for your mutual friends.
In short,
dumping someone nicely isn’t just the gentlemanly thing to do, it’s also the
wise thing to do.
If you’re not
sure how to do that, though, that’s understandable. The appropriate type of
breakup for a long-term relationship where you’ve even discussed marriage is
vastly different from the breakup of a brief fling that only lasted a handful
of dates.
Unsure how to
get it right? In order to let the other person down easy, no matter how serious
you’ve gotten, AskMen spoke to five different relationship experts to give you
the rundown on what to do, what to avoid, and how to express yourself without
under- or oversharing during a breakup.
Perhaps the easiest breakup to have is one where there’s barely any relationship to speak of. In this situation, it’s genuinely possible that neither party is invested enough for an official split.
“Depending on
how many dates you’ve had, you may be under no obligation to officially end
it,” says Connell
Barrett, dating coach for The League and the author of the forthcoming
book, Dating Sucks But You Don’t. “You could merely stop
asking them out. They may get the hint without you sending an ‘I’m not feeling
it’ message.”
That being
said, a relatively short period of dating doesn’t mean you’ve got a free pass
to treat the budding relationship as meaningless. For Barrett, there’s a point
after which you should feel obliged to give the other person a firm explanation
of your non-interest, even if they haven’t asked for one.
“Draw a line
in the dating sands at three dates,” he says. “You can go on up to three dates
and feel no pressure to proactively tell the other person that it’s over. You
don’t need to officially break it off unless you’re prompted.”
However, even
if you haven’t gotten to four dates yet, some factors may necessitate a
break-up message of some sort: if you’ve had sex, or if they reach out and ask
to see you again when you no longer want to.
“At this
point,” adds Barrett, “the right, respectful thing to do is call it quits if
you see no long-term future for the two of you.”
How to Say It
“Be honest,
kind, and empathetic,” advises Barrett. “Close the door, but gently. Frame it
as a chemistry issue, rather than there being anything wrong about them.”
He advises you
to say something like,
“‘I’ve had a
great time getting to you know, but the romantic spark isn’t there for me. It’s
chemistry. I know you’ll find someone who’s as fantastic as you.’”
Ghosting
Even
though ghosting is
generally a no-no, it is acceptable in some circumstances like these that
Barrett mentions: “If they’ve been emotionally or physically abusive, if their
behavior is harassing or violates boundaries, or if you catch them in a big
lie.”
If it’s clear
they’re not operating in good faith, you don’t have to either.
How to Break Up With Someone Nicely in Person
Unlike more serious relationships, there’s no need to break something like this off in person. “You don’t owe it to them, because you never got serious.” says Barrett.
How to Break Up With Someone Nicely via Text or Phone Call
For a less
serious kind of breakup, “stick to text, phone, or some kind of digital
messaging,” notes Barrett, though “your best bet is the communication method
the two of you used most often, whether it’s texting, phone calls, Zoom,
carrier pigeons, etc.”
SOURCE: ASK MEN DOT COM
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