Whether you’re
single or dating, have been in a relationship for five minutes, five years, or
five decades, you’ve probably got some fairly ingrained go-to patterns for sex
and intimacy—tried and tested ways of connecting that you feel comfortable with
or that you know you and your partner enjoy
When you want
to have better
sex, where do you start? What do you change?
Some of these
ideas might seem a little counterintuitive, but, trust me, they can
revolutionize your experience of sex and intimacy:
1. Stop Having
“Sex”
A piece of
homework I give to a lot of the couples who come to me for sex coaching
sessions is “Do not have sex for at least one week.” Some of them look at me as
if to say, “What? That’s our current situation—we’re stuck and we’re not having
sex, and we want to change that. Are you mad, Libby?!”
This
highlights one of the (I think) biggest myths about intimacy: that sex equals
penetration with the result or goal of ejaculation and peak orgasm. So, if you
only have this one-track approach to sex, of course it’s going to feel like
you’re failing if that doesn’t happen on a regular basis.
This first tip
is about exploring intimacy without
the standard goalposts, letting go of the habits, assumptions, and patterns.
Put the brakes on and explore without the need to achieve an outcome. What can
also happen here is that, when you take away the pressure of having to have
sex, you can explore with more freedom and playfulness.
So, this might
look like an evening of just kissing—nothing else allowed. Remember when you
were a teenager and you’d snog and make out for what seemed like hours? Explore
that place; make love to each other with your kisses, clothes on, and nothing
more allowed. This can get so hot and steamy, or really vulnerable and tender.
On day two, it
might evolve into touch focused on one area of the body (specifically
non-genital touch). You might notice that your sexual energy builds; denial and
limits can be such a turn-on! The challenge is to not cave in, to not just go
for the instant gratification.
The key factor
here is to explore something simple every day, without the pressure or habit of
that “cock in pussy” goal. You’ll find you have to get a bit creative, and you
have to use some self-control but also some self-motivation to try something
new.
2. Stop Having
Peak Orgasms
Remember the
2002 film “40 Days and 40 Nights,” where Josh Hartnett’s character chooses to
abstain from any sexual contact for the duration of Lent? He ends up
discovering a whole new experience of sex, relationship, and life.
Contrary to
the plot of that film, though, I’m going to encourage you to stay connected to
your sexual energy (although abstaining for the first three to five days can be
helpful in keeping you out of the “danger zone”).
Get as down
and dirty as you want. Just don’t ejaculate or orgasm on your clitoris. Simple.
Rewiring your
approach to pleasure in this way is incredibly powerful. For men in particular,
this can be an absolute game changer. Retaining sexual energy in this way gives
you more vitality, more discipline, and more presence with your partner. It can
also have hugely positive effects on erectile
dysfunction issues and premature ejaculation issues.
For women,
when we stop squeezing and contracting into the thin corridor of pleasure that
is clitoral orgasm, there can be amazing experiences of tension release in the
pelvis, vaginal walls, and cervix, opening up a whole new world of orgasmic
sensation in the body.
This tantric practice
also creates a massively important shift in how we have sex. Instead of sex
being something that we do to “get something” (i.e., an orgasm), it becomes an
act where our shared intention is to surrender and open each other to the
divine. Rather than sex being essentially two people using each other to
masturbate to a finish line, we open up the potential to discover each other in
radical new ways.
3. Have Better
Solo Sex
Regardless of
whether you’re in a relationship or not, changing the way you masturbate can
change your (sex) life. If you are comfortable experimenting, playing, and
challenging habits in your relationship to your own body and sexual pleasure,
then it becomes much easier to apply the same approach to sex with a partner.
Take time each
week for some solo sex. Take some space and privacy and give yourself a
massage, take a bath, play with a new toy, focus on exploring different
sensations in one area of your body, practice experimenting with how you
breathe, what sounds and noises you can do to enhance your experience of
sensation, what moving your body or taking different positions can do for your
orgasmic pleasure.
If you’ve
never tried it before, I’d highly recommend a shared masturbation session with
a willing partner. This can be intensely vulnerable, intimate, edgy, and
arousing. You might learn a thing or two about the way your partner likes to be
touched by witnessing him/her during masturbation, and vice versa. The
intention is not necessarily to “perform” for the other, but to be present with
your own pleasure in the presence of another. To honor and acknowledge each
other as sexual beings, free from shame or judgment.
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