I almost went in disguise the
first time I got tested. It felt like I was about to pull the trigger in a game
of Russian Roulette. Was this the moment everything would come to a halt? Did I
make a “mistake” along the way that I would regret forever? I could hear the
voice of my youth pastor in my ear: “You have no one to blame but yourself, David.”
Where I’m
from in the south, people don’t talk about HIV or sexually transmitted diseases
unless you’re in health class. Even then it’s linked back to sex with an
overlay of shame; the idea being if you have lots of sex you will catch an STI,
so either lock the legs or prepare for a lifetime of damnation.
It wasn’t
until after I had lived in Los Angeles for a year that I started to understand
what being aware means. It didn’t matter if I was afraid (that’s not going to
stop the virus). What mattered was my willingness to find out, to know my
status and to act on it — whatever the results were. After all, it was
certainly better than the alternative.
Refusing to
get tested out of fear invites more fear. I learned that the hard way.
Eventually it morphs into anxiety, paranoia, guilt, and shame; a vicious cycle
that can be broken in the fifteen minutes it takes for a full HIV and other
STIs checkup. I finally realized the obvious truth: I wasn’t afraid of getting
tested, but rather the idea of testing positive. It felt much easier not to
know. But ignorance isn't much protection.
Living in a
state of unawareness is like trapping yourself in a fish bowl: it might be
blissful, but your perspectives on the world will be blurred. In today’s
Grindr-obsessed, sex on the go, instant gratification world we live in, knowing
your status is the most responsible thing we can do to protect ourselves and
our future partners. The only thing standing between us is the fear of HIV
stigma.
No one wants
to be part of the stigma, which is why getting tested every three to six
months, like the Centers
for Disease Control and Prevention suggests, can be daunting (what if today
is the day I get a positive result?). But it’s okay to be terrified of stigma,
because it’s a bully. It has no benefit other than to puncture the progress of
millions of lives fighting against being labeled as “dirty,” “unsafe,” or
“slutty.” But like all bullies, stigma has a weakness.
When you look
stigma directly in the face, it runs away. It disappears because all bullies
are cowards. Afterwards you realize it wasn’t the stigma that had power over you,
but rather the fear of facing it. The willingness to discover the truth becomes
a springboard to courage. In the end you learn that the stigma was a lie.
HIV stigma corners us inside a box of fear. The more
we tell ourselves it’s better “not to know” the heavier our shame weighs.
Getting tested should never feel like we’re walking the green mile. We are
taking control of our health by allowing ourselves to know, and knowledge is
powerful — more powerful than fear. That is something to be proud of.
The first
person you need on your side is you — not your sex partner, not your doctor,
not your counselor, nor your therapist. You are the one who needs to stay on
top of your health. These days it’s really not hard to do. All
you have to do is know. Testing is an essential element, without it, you cannot take the
steps you need to stay healthy. When we fight against ourselves, we’re always
going to lose. It doesn’t matter what the results of a test might bring. The
important part is being aware, because trust me it’s much better than living in
a state of panic.
Life is a
game of Russian Roulette. Every time we have sex we are taking a risk. The same
goes for when we get in a car or simply getting out of bed. We are never going
to control everything, but the one thing we can control is our awareness. With
that, fear has no reason to exist. There are things we can do to stay on top of
our health. Having PrEP as an option to prevent HIV contraction is a major leap
forward in medicine, and it should be adopted unapologetically the same way
getting tested should.
HIV has not
disappeared. We’ve just stopped talking about it. According to the CDC, if current
diagnosis rates continue, one in six gay and bisexual men will be diagnosed with HIV in
their lifetime. It’s also estimated that in today’s world, one in
seven gay and bisexual men already have HIV but don’t know it, because they
refuse to get tested. Because of the lack of knowledge, they are unknowingly
putting other men at risk for contracting the virus. But the good news is that
getting on treatment and lowering your viral load to undetectable levels essentially makes you uninfectious, unable to transmit
HIV.
Sleeping with
an HIV-positive person who is undetectable is much safer than sleeping with a
guy who doesn’t know his status. Getting tested impacts more than one person.
It produces a ripple effect in our community that encourages men to be
empowered about our own sexual health, thus breaking free of the fish bowl. As
a result, we invite clarity into our lives. And with clarity, fear has no
power.
Get tested
today. Proudly.
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