Ever since I
turned 30, I’ve taken a new approach to how I live my life. I don’t care about
the petty things anymore. I wake up in the morning with a generally positive
outlook on my day. I’ve learned to accept the fact that things are never really
going to go according to plans. I’ve also learned to be present–exist and rejoice
in the here and now. I’ve grown tremendously and made what I consider to be
great accomplishments in my life. I feel happy. Not just any happy, but a cool
sense of intrinsic happiness! In my moments of weakness a suppressed, recurring
question always comes to mind: Why am I Single?!?
Before I
really get into how I feel about the subject, I have to shed light up my
upbringing and thoughts of my own sexuality. I knew I was gay since I was 4! I
distinctly remember coming home trying to explain to my mother that I have a
boyfriend. She then tried to explain to me the difference between a guy who is
a friend and a lover–and I argued with her. (I swear I feel like I’ve always
been an adult trapped in a kids body). I was never picked on, bullied or abused
in adolescence–I was just myself. It wasn’t until my teenage years until I
became fully aware of what “being gay” was. Whatever I was exposed to–maybe it
was the late night episodes of Queer as Folk and other limited LGBT shows I
could sneak to watch–or the few gay hormone-driven friends I had met along my
journey or the interesting scenes I found myself in while underage clubbing or
my early days on hookup/dating sites. Whatever it was–I knew that I was THAT
type of gay.
I fashioned
myself to be what I had considered to be “husband material”. I was not sexually
active until 17, I never did any drugs didn’t drink until mid 20s. I graduated
with two degrees in business, and I’m back in school for a third in audio
engineering. I’m in the process of buying a multifamily home as a rental
property. I'm in shape -always have been (and now its even better due to
Cross Fit), I drive around in a Lexus, I have edgy bad boy sense of style, nice
hair, white teeth, easy personality but sometimes a jerk–I can cook and if a
fight ever breaks out in a bar, I know that I can hold my own! I have
everything I would want in a partner, so–WHY AM I STILL SINGLE!?
I have had
conversations with one of my close friends about this. He pointed out something
for me to digest. He said the type of person I’m looking for is someone just
like me–someone I can relate to and be in my same age bracket (plus or minus
5 years). and that list is narrow. NARROW!? Really?? 7 Billion people in the
world?? Why are ALL my exes in seemingly happy relationships or move from man
to man, and I go by years at a time single? What am I doing wrong??
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