You are getting
ready to meet that handsome guy you met online or through a close friend for
that all important first date.
Feeling excited
and a little nervous, you look hard in the mirror and think to yourself:
"Will
he like me? What should I wear? Does my breath smell? Is my muffin-top
showing?"
Seriously,
going on a first date can be a bit of a challenge. This is particularly true
for gay men who are new to the dating scene or have been off the market for an
extended period of time.
What follows is
a list of 10 “Red Flags” for gay men on a first date that should be thought of
as potential warning signs that the guy may not be a good fit for you. Some of
these red flags are obvious. Some are funny. Others are ones you may not have
heard before and should not ignore. The list is by no means exhaustive.
Disclaimer: Not
every point here may apply to your situation and is not set in stone. Think of
these as general guidelines as opposed rigid rules.
1. He just got
out of a long term relationship
This point may
seem particularly obvious but the truth is that many gay men fall into the trap
of ignoring this red flag. In gay years the phrase “long term” can often differ
from straight folks. A long term relationship for a gay man can be subjective
at best. As a rule of thumb, 2 years or more is a good yardstick go by, give or
take.
What is
important is this – the amount of time he has been out of his
same sex relationship. If he was in a five year relationship and is now out on
the market six months after the breakup, he is very likely not going to be
emotionally available or emotionally capable of a real relationship again for
some time. And if he still lives with his ex and is claiming, “We still live
together but are not in a relationship” or anything like that, you need to
run.
Here are some
more tips under this point:
- · He says you remind him of his “ex” several times during first date
- · He talks about his ex the entire date or calls you by his ex's first name (run!)
- · He tells you he wants a serious relationship (remember, he just broke up)
- · He is just coming on too strong and acting like you two are a serious couple.
2. He’s
checking out other guys and flirting
Yep, this is
one that should seem obvious but is ignored more than folks might think. If you
are out on a real date and you are noticing that the guy you are out with is
continually checking out other dudes, flirting or both - it is probably a good
indication that this guy is not for you. There is an off chance that he is
trying to impress you by demonstrating how he can attract other people but do
you really want to deal with that?
And here is
another possibility ...he just isn’t into you. Instead of manning up and
telling you that, he is flirting with other dudes. This point sucks and not
something you want to hear but checking out other guys on a first date really
is not a good sign for something long term.
Other tips
under this red flag during the first date:
- He keeps going on Facebook or twitter or some other dating app
- He talks about how hot another guy is on your first date.
3.He wants to
go to a bar
Perhaps another
obvious warning sign but worth mentioning. If he wants to meet you at a local
gay bar for a first date, he probably isn’t the right guy for you. The same
goes that if after your official first date activity, like a
coffee or a dinner, he wants to go to "the bars" .. it should be a
warning sign that this guy is not long term material. The reason being is that
the first date should be about getting to know one another. If he is already needing
to go hang out at a bar on your first date, he likely is not ready to focus on
you or a relationship. Some may disagree with this point. You decide.
Some other tips
under this red flag:
- · He tells you he meets all of his dates at bars
- · He seems to crave attention and needs an audience
- · Most of his pictures are of him at clubs and yeah ... bars
4. He drinks
too much too fast
Obviously, this
is a subjective warning sign however, there are tell-tale things that you
should be looking for under this red flag. One of them is the amount of alcohol
he is consuming and the speed in which he is doing it. If you notice that he is
pounding back glass after glass of wine (or some other drink) and that he is
encouraging you to do the same – run.
Look, there is
nothing wrong with a few drinks on a first date however, when it gets to the
point that he needs to get bombed in order to function, he’s likely not going
to be a good match for you. Same holds true if he shows up at your first date
stoned. Run like hell.
Other under
this red flag:
- He wants you to get high with him
- He talks a lot about how much he "parties" or "parTays"
5. He has less
than 1 year of sobriety
A guy who is in
a recovery program for drugs and/or alcohol should be applauded and supported.
That however does not mean he is ready to start dating. As a
general rule of thumb, people in recovery programs, like a 12-step program (AA,
CMA, NA…) are encouraged to stay away from the dating scene for 1-year.
This is not a
hard and fast rule but is generally encouraged. The reasons are plentiful but
the primary one is that the guy needs to be focusing on his recovery. A
debatable “red flag” perhaps but one that cannot be ignored.
6. He is rude
to wait staff and others
If the guy you
are with on the first date treats wait staff, box office attendants or others
disrespectfully or rudely, he is showing his true colors. He is also
demonstrating that he is a jerk and is likely unaware of how uncomfortable his
behavior makes you feel.
If the guy you
are out on a first date with is treating people like crap, how do you think he
will treat you down the road?
Other tips
under this red flag:
- · Seems to have a quick temper and goes off on small stuff
- · Does not say "thank you" or "please" when speaking to you or others
- · Orders people around like he owns the place
7. He says he
is straight acting
Whenever you
hear a gay man suggest that he “acts straight” or is "straight
acting" you need to be concerned.
There is a
difference between being masculine and “acting” hiding who you are. And what
exactly does "acting straight mean" At its core, it's called
internalized homophobia when a gay dude says this.
There are many
gay men who are masculine and their sexual orientation is not readily obvious.
With that
shared, if your first date makes it a point to say he “acts straight” and goes
out of his way to identify as straight to others around him, you really need to
carefully consider if this person is for you.
Other points
under this red flag:
- He emphasizes his religious beliefs that are known to be anti-gay.
- He identifies as a die hard republican and supports anti-gay candidates
- He shares that he is “confused" about his sexuality (run!)
8. He is
looking to hook up immediately before or after the first date
If you are
getting the vibe on your first date that the guy is looking to hook up or
otherwise mess around, this may be a fairly good indication that he is really not
interested in dating. This particular point is not to judge but instead, to act
as a potential red flag for his agenda. And hey, there is nothing wrong with
hooking up – but aren’t you wanting something a little more?
Other tips
under this red flag:
- · During the goodnight kiss his hand reaches towards the southern regions
- · He talks too much about bedroom positioning (top drawer/bottom drawer)
- · He can’t look you in your eyes when you kiss (umm, yeah that is a red flag)
9. He talks too
much about himself
On your first
date, it is only natural and human to talk about oneself a little.
If however the guy you are going out on a date with is going on forever and a
day about his life, his job, his car, his family, his dogs …his, his his ….
There is likely going to be problems with compatibility.
Other tips
under this red flag:
- · He asks very little about you during your first date
- · He makes you feel like you are being qualified for a car loan
- · He starts to immediately playing the game of materialistic comparisons
- · Name dropping of celebrities or well connected people in town
- · He’s looking waaaay too much at his reflection in his stirring spoon
10.You ignore
these red flags and others because you are hooked on his look
Do his muscles,
charm and smile blind you to some of the red flags mentioned here or perhaps
other red flags that you have heard of in the past? Does he make you feel
overly insecure because you feel he is just too good looking
to be with you? Does anything about that first date make you experience
negative, familiar feelings from the past where you were in a space that was
not good for you? If so, these are important warning signs.
Too many get
hooked on the look and find themselves in impossible, painful, one-sided and
one way relationships. Pay attention to how his physical appearance causes you
to feel. If you come away from that date feeling “less than” or “ugly” then you are
the person who is not ready to be in a relationship.
Other potential
red flags:
- · You won’t talk about yourself because you feel “less than”
- · You feel the need to brag or go out of your way to impress him
- · You've dated his type before and you keep repeating the cycle
- · Can you name some other red flags that you ignore?
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