I want to begin this week by thanking the man or woman responsible
for somehow sneaking in my Eric (Alexander Skarsgård)-Jason (Ryan Kwanten)
slash-fiction into the True Bloodwriters’ room. It made no sense
and was completely unnecessary (just a dream sequence), but I certainly wasn’t
complaining.
In addition to that scene, there were enough holes in tonight’s
episode (plotholes! get your mind out of the gutter!) to remind viewers that
this is True Blood, after all, and it’s best not to think too hard
about it.
Following Sookie (Anna Paquin)'s plea to help the town battle back the
H-Vamps, the townspeople are filing out of church. Everyone’s ambling
about, and Rev. Daniels (Gregg Daniel) suggests Sam (Sam Trammell) encourage
the community to spend the day in service, instead of fretting about the next
inevitable wave of wild vampire attacks, or whatever. Great idea!
Lettie Mae (Adina Porter) is the first to embrace the mayor’s
charge and is like, “You know what, I’m going to visit my sweet nephew
Lafayette (Nelsan Ellis) who happens to be a psychic medium that could
contact my dead daughter an excellent source for more hallucinogenic
vampire blood one of my last remaining relatives.” “Great idea,” thinks
Rev. Daniels. “What could possibly go wrong when my wife, a woman that
struggled with addiction all these years, goes to visit her drug-dealing nephew
after they both have just suffered a traumatic experience?” Just excellent
thinking all around.
Fortunately, when Lettie Mae arrives at Lafayette’s, he’s got the
good sense not to supply her with the drugs. Instead, she goes home and sticks
her hand in a frying pan, sizzling it up real good. Then she runs out to wake
Willa (Amelia Rose Blaire), because she clearly needs some vampire blood to
help heal her wounds. (Well-played, Lettie Mae.) Once she’s hopped up on V, she
has a vision of Tara (Rutina Wesley) speaking in tongues, dressed in white up
on a cross with a snake writhing around her shoulders like she’s Britney at
the 2001 MTV Video Music Awards. (Also: Super subtle imagery there with the
cross and the snake, True Blood.)
Back at Bellefleur’s, the townsfolk are cleaning up the wreckage
from last night’s attack. In walks Vince (Brett Rickaby), ready to rally the
normals against Sam, Andy (Chris Bauer), Sookie and the vamps. He tells them
all about Sam being a shifter. (He also reveals that Sam ran his mayoral
campaign on “I’m a politician you can trust,” which has got to be the most lazy
campaign platform ever. Stupid, stupid True Blood.) Anyway, the
easily-riled masses are, well, easily riled and start grabbing whatever they
can use as weapons from around the restaurant. Adilyn (Bailey Noble) uses her
faerie mind-reading powers to realize that Deputy Kevin’s ladyfriend is
thinking about all those guns waiting at the police station’s armory.
Adilyn and one of Holly’s sons try to get there first and warn
Kenya about the impending mob. They start to hide the guns, but then the crowd
shows up and convinces Kenya (Tanya Wright) that her boss has been a little too
bossy all these years. Maybe she should just hand over all the town’s last
remaining guns to this poorly equipped group of easily-riled dummies. Kenya's
like, "You know what, great idea! Here. Take all these guns." So
Kenya goes to grab Adilyn, who fires off a big faerie ball of light, easily
riling the easily-riled and inciting them to toss her in lockup. This alerts
Jessica (Deborah Ann Woll), who gave Adilyn some of her blood, that she’s in
trouble. Unfortunately, it’s still a sun-shiney day outside and Jessica is
trapped in the attic. So she rings Sookie, who, dumbly, threw away her phone last week. Then she tries to call the
police station and gets no answer. Then she tries to call literally no one
else. Does she have no other phone numbers? She paces up in the attic until
Andy arrives, and, of course, he immediately accuses her of eating his
daughter. She convinces him she did not. (Also, oddly, Jessica didn’t heal from
when she let Adilyn sample some of her blood. I think it’s because Jessica
hasn't been eating, and not that she’s got the virus.)
While all this is going down, Alcide (Joe Manganiello), Sookie,
Jason, Andy and Sam are on the hunt for answers. Sookie recommends starting
with the body she found in the woods, since the starving, wild vampires would
definitely bring a body along and just abandon it in the woods and not eat it,
for some reason. Sure. They find her ID and learn that she was from the next
town over. Quick, to the mystery van! When they arrive at the aforementioned
town, there’s no one left. All that remains is a mass grave and a bunch of
boarded-up buildings. They investigate the dead woman’s home and surmise that
she was taken during a pizza dinner with her baby. Since they’re already
inside, Sookie thumbs through the woman’s diary, only to learn that this woman
also fell in love with a vampire, and look what it got her. (Corpses: They’re
Just Like Us!) When they get back home, Sookie sends Alcide up to shower and
then scurries over to Bill (Stephen Moyer)’s place to ask if he still senses if
she ever gets in danger. Why? NO REASON! JUST ASKING, GEEZ. I’m sure she’s not
off to do something monumentally stupid.
Our hostages are still whimpering and shaking in the basement of
Fangtasia. The vamp who couldn’t wait to eat Deputy Kevin (John Rezig) last
week is getting a tongue lashing by the rest of the H-Vamps for getting greedy.
They name Betty, a former teacher, as the new reaper. When she goes down to
pick the next victim, Arlene and Holly realize she’s taught their kids. (I
guess their whole “I GOT KEEDZ” schtick finally paid off.) They appeal to
whatever’s left of her humanity, and she agrees to try and free them. After
convincing the other vamps to let her be the sleep monitor (a lot of jobs in
H-Vamp Town, can I get an org chart?), she sneaks down to free them. They’ve
only got 12 minutes to escape, but first Betty’s gots to eat. So she sinks her
teeth into Arlene just before melting into a pile of dead vampire parts.
R.I.P., Betty! Say hi to Tara for me!
Speaking of saying hello … Hello, Eric! We found you! Well,
technically, Pam found you. Eric’s been hiding in France and he’s got a secret.
No, it’s not that he’s hot for Jason Stackhouse. He’s got Hep-V.
Will Pam find a cure in time? What kind of nonsense do you think
Sookie is about to get herself into? Why isn’t Jessica healing? Share your
thoughts in the comments!
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