Sex is awesome, however you like it. It’s always a good thing
amongst consenting adults, (and whatever appropriately-sized objects we wish to
include). I do think though, that sex can be complicated for gay men. We hid
our desires from a sometimes judgemental and cruel world as teenagers. We
feared rejection and torment for our most innocent and natural longings. We
grew ashamed of our awesome feminine traits. We developed fears of disease that
we took into the bedrooms with us. We desperately sought community and
inclusion in places that might not always have been the most conducive to our
emotional development. And a lot of these experiences created vulnerable adults
trying to survive and avoid rejection amid a defensive and sexually liberated
culture that sets standards of beauty and sexual confidence that only heroes
and narcissists can thrive in.
And so, we developed tools to cope, tools that make us heroic.
Super-grooming, fitness, fashion; all the things that guarantee inclusion. We
learned the sex moves from our pornography, we fine-tuned our straight-acting
performance skills to perfection; we make brilliant actors. We fit in on the
dance-floor, and we appear invulnerable. We communicate this confidence online
with strong opinions, and we are always ‘fit and sorted’ and up for it on
Grindr. Such, such high standards. Gorgeous, gorgeous, vulnerable young men
with such high standards. And when the performance fails... we have the easy
availability of drugs to deliver what is expected of us.
Or what we expect of ourselves.
Sexual liberation is a brilliant thing. Imagine trying to cope as
gay men without it. But it must exist in tandem with an awareness of, and
affection for, our vulnerability. Our innate need for intimacy and inclusion.
The hero in bed with us, the hero we’re trying to be, must also have the space
to be proudly vulnerable; and to have that vulnerability celebrated and
nurtured. ‘Cos they are fine, sexy things, imperfection, diversity and
vulnerability. As are the courage and honesty required to unleash them and let
them flourish.
The greatest thing of all, is the kindness we possess to allow our
friends and lovers to communicate their fears and vulnerabilities to us. In the
bedrooms, on the apps, on Facebook, on the first date. We might have to
overcome our own bravado to be that kind; we might have to be the first to
express a vulnerability, model it proudly, before another finds the courage to
reciprocate. When it works, it’s awesome. And the good news is.. it works every
time. Every damn time.
Sexual liberation is a brilliant thing; but to survive it intact
amid an HIV epidemic and chemsex trends, we need to be robust. We need to be
better.
We’ve overcome so many hardships, achieved so many things; one of
them being sexual liberation. It’s mighty, hear it roar. But it’s not so loud
that we can’t hear the cry for help our community is shrieking. The cry for
help that exists in the chemsex problems, the busy sexual health clinics, the
online cruelty and the loneliness our brothers experience. A celebration of our
vulnerability is one more hurdle we’ve yet to leap; so let’s be a great community.
A brotherhood of vulnerable, sexy, kind, great gay men.
A lot of truth at the beginning. Well, maybe until Grindr being mentioned. That app (and similar online platforms) is just so wrong and unhealthy, for most people. 🤷♂️
ReplyDelete