CALLING all
relationship newbies! We have some very important news to report regarding your
recent coupling. Are you shoving your relationship down the throats of
everybody you know? Bombarding their News Feeds with nauseating displays
of public affection? Suffocating anyone who will listen with constant drivel
about how happy you are? No? Well, you should be!
A recent study
at RelationshipWankers.com has shown that your relationship has basically zero
validity until you declare it to the world via social media; in fact, unless
you force-feed your happiness to other people, science says that you’re not
truly happy. The same way that if you don’t check-in to the restaurant, you
didn’t really eat.
So get
smothering!
First things
first, you have to alienate all of your friends. Honey, you have a boyfriend
now… And who needs friends, when you’ve got a man? (Even if it is only for two
weeks). Everybody knows that ‘friends’ are just for lonely singles, so when
they complain that you don’t see them as much, or that you’ve changed since
seeing your fella, ignore them – they’re all clearly just jealous ’cause you’ve
managed to bag yourself a regular dicking, that will also spoil you with a
quarter Nandos chicken with a side of coleslaw, one Tuesday a month.
Getting a
boyfriend is like buying a new car; brag, brag, brag until you crash it head-on
into a brick wall. The idea is to get as many people as possible, asking
“how the fuck did that backward cunt with cheap hair gel get a boyfriend before
me?” Just be careful not to alienate them completely, as you’ll still need
them to pick up the pieces when you inevitably break-up in six days time.
Which brings me
onto our next point, you have to get totally ahead of yourself – because that’s
how true love works, it’s irrational and illogical – that’s exactly why
Hollywood rom coms portray it as such.
For instance,
it’s never to early to declare him as The One, as long as you’re on the
first date and they’ve brought the bread dish, update your relationship status
while he’s in the bathroom. Stuck for a second date? Introduce him to your
parents. Third date? Get matching tattoos of each other’s names. Go on holiday.
Get a cat. Give him a kidney. There’s no such thing as moving too fast
when you’re in love. (Or a car without brakes).
Make sure you
photograph every little thing he does for you, or buys you. You want everyone
to know how amazing you boyfriend is; that bouquet of weeds snatched from a
roadside car crash he sent to your work, that Davidoff Cool Water aftershave he
got for your birthday, the spaghetti hoops and smiley faces he burnt for you on
Valentines Day – FLAUNT IT! And don’t feel bad about making single people
better, they could only hope for a boyfriend that showers them with such embarrassment affection.
Of
course, everyone is totally gagged that you’ve finally found someone who
can tolerate you, so supplying them with a tirade of selfies together is an
absolute must. After all, romance doesn’t really exist if it isn’t documented
for hundreds of people to see. Hold hands along the river, snuggle up on
Sundays, kiss at sunset, dry hump on Snapchat, let him lick you out at an
Adele concert. Love – like your social etiquette – has no boundaries!
And don’t
forget to caption all your uploads too. “Heading to the cinema with the boy”…
“Look what bae got me!”… “My man is the cutest”. I mean, you wouldn’t dare want
anybody to mistake you for being single when you’ve finally found your ‘other
half’. It was such a struggle being half a person to begin with, after all. Not
only that, but this technique provides a gentle reminder to everyone that YOU
(against all odds) have a boyfriend, so you carry that soggy cornflake on your
arm like it’s a damn Dior purse, girlfriend! Well, at least until he gets you
last season’s one from TK MAXX for your five hour anniversary.
If you put all
of this into place, you should be single again and heartbroken within the
month! Don’t forget to update your status about that too – you’ll need to
inform everyone so you can get that sympathy from auntie Janet.
But on the plus side – you get
to fall head over heels with the next complete stranger you meet! Every cloud
has a silver lining! (But it’s still a fucking cloud, you cunt).
LOL! There are so many people that I know (notice I didn't call them "friends") who I can see doing all of this everyday! So true, my blogging buddy! Take care and stay bare!
ReplyDeleteI just don't find it necessary
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