When you're
dating someone, you are going to have disagreements. After all, you are two
individuals who are the products of different environments, and no matter how
compatible you may think you are, you are bound to argue.
Some couples
try to avoid conflict, a method that only compounds issues on top of others
until the pile comes crashing down.
Successful
couples have learned the art of arguing, instead of avoiding conflict, they
approach it with finesse and thus come out victoriously. It's important to know
how to argue effectively and get back to the most important part of a
relationship and that is the love the two of you share.
Anger is like
fire; when properly harnessed, it’s an incredibly useful and important tool. On
the other hand, if you’re careless with it then you’re going to lose control
and it will end up destroying everything you care about.
If you want
to stop fighting and actually fix things, then you need to give yourself time
to cool down. Separately.
Yes,
separately. It can be hard to let go of things when the person who’s ticking
you off is right there with you; you end up feeling pressured to say you’re
better, even if you’re still angry. So the best thing you can do? Get a little
bit of space and let yourself calm down.
You want to
get away from the scene of the argument (which is going to just keep reminding
you of the fact that you’ve had one) and do the things that let you cool off.
Take a walk. Hit the gym and jump on the treadmill and burn out that fire by
exhausting yourself. Go listen to music that helps calm you down. Beat on the
heavy bag like it owes you money.
There are a
lot of people who will tell you that you shouldn’t walk off, that every
argument should be resolved right then and there. This is a spectacularly,
crossing-the-streams-level bad idea; not every conflict is one that can be
resolved in one sitting and trying to do so while you’re still angry makes it
next to impossible. It’s better to take time to vent, decompress and come back
when you’re cool and collected.
Just make
sure you let your partner know what you’re doing and why; just standing up and
storming out is a great way to really hurt someone. Tell them: “Look right now
I’m too angry to think straight. I need to go do X to calm down so we can sort
this out. I’ll be back in 15 minutes/a half hour/an hour.”
Here’s
something that trips a lot of people up: sometimes we pick the wrong battles,
whether we’re the aggressor or not. We get upset over the wrong things. We get
into fights – or make fights worse – because we don’t stop to ask ourselves
whether the fight is one worth having.
One of the
most common conflicts in relationships involves the desire to be “correct”
rather than “right”. Men tend to look for concrete “do this and things will be
better” solutions to conflicts. Unfortunately, one of the ways that we tend to
express this is by pointing out that the other person is mistaken or doesn’t
understand.
And let me
tell you: there’s nothing like telling a person “no, you’re wrong” to turn a
minor fight into a major confrontation. This is a really bad idea when your
goal is to stop fighting in the first place.
If we take
the classic domestic conflict of “you don’t help me do the dishes” and respond
with all the ways that we do contribute (paying the bills, picking up around
the house, whatever) then we’re trying show that what we do is equivalent…
which it may well be in terms of comparative time/effort spent, but that
doesn’t actually address the issue.
Similarly,
yeah, your [boyfriend] may have seen what looked like you flirting with the
cute [guy] from Accounts Receivable, but clearly nothing was going on,
therefore it’s completely unreasonable for [him] to be mad at you!
The problem
with this approach is that we tend to equate being correct with having the
moral high-ground and that immediately puts everybody on the defensive.
Suddenly you’re feeling unfairly attacked while [he] is hearing you tell [him]
that [he] has no right to feel the way that [he] does. Now you’re both put in
the position where you’re no longer actually addressing the problem, you’re
arguing about who’s “right” and there’s no real way to back down without losing
face. Now you’re fighting to defend your ego and there’s no real way to “win”
without losing at the same time.
Being
factually correct doesn’t mean that you’re actually in the right – especially
when it’s not about the “facts” but about how a person’s behavior makes the
other person feel. Being “correct” isn’t going to win you any points,
especially when your partner’s seeing it from a completely different
perspective. “Winning” the argument is a pyrrhic victory when it ruins the
relationship in the process, especially when it’s over comparatively minor
details.
You have to
ask yourself: “Is this really the hill I want to die on?” Are you really
willing to prolong the fight, or even make it worse, rather than just
swallowing your pride and listening to what [he]’s actually saying?
The fastest
way to stop fighting is simple: apologize. But you can’t just say “well, sorry”
and expect everything to be magically ok. You have to apologize the right way.
This is
another area that trips a lot of people up: we tend to equate apologizing with
being morally wrong. Why should we apologize when we don’t believe we’ve done
anything wrong?
Well… because
like I said earlier: being “correct” doesn’t mean that you’re “right”.
Apologizing isn’t just about who’s wrong or who’s right. It’s also about taking
responsibility for how you’ve made other people feel. A sincere apology means
understanding why your partner is upset with you and copping to your part in
having made it happen.
First: make
sure you understand what you’re actually apologizing for. The best way to do
this: try to summarize your understanding as to why [he]’s upset. “You’re upset
because you saw me flirting with [Ray], am I right?” Then listen. Don’t defend
yourself – just listen to why [he]’s upset. Then apologize for it. “I
understand. I’m sorry I hurt you by doing X.”
Did you do
something wrong? That’s (sometimes) debatable. What isn’t debatable is the way
you made [him] feel. And if you actually care about the person you’re dating,
then you damn well better care about how you make [him] feel.
Notice very
carefully that this is the active voice. There is nothing more infuriating than
a weaselly non-apology apology like “I’m sorry you were hurt”; it’s a verbal
way of putting the blame on [him] for being unreasonable, rather than taking
responsibility for your part in hurting [him]. Similarly, you never give an
apology with a qualifier. Saying “I’m sorry, but…” is telling [him] that not
only are you not sorry but once again, [he]’s wrong for feeling that way in the
first place.
(To pre-empt
the obvious objection: if you feel that [he]’s consistently unreasonable about
the way [he] feels, then it’s probably well past time the two of you broke up.
Either you’re right and [he]’s impossible, in which case you shouldn’t be
dating [him] in the first place or [he]’s right and you’re the asshole and [he]
shouldn’t be dating you. Same result either way.)
And above all
else: never, ever apologize just to make the fight stop and get [him] off your
back. This not only invalidates the apology – because you’re not sorry - but
tells [him] that you’re not going to do anything about it. You’re essentially
interacting on bad faith- you have no intentions of actually resolving the
problem, you just want [him] to shut up. This is incredibly insulting on just about
every level and is only going to hasten the inevitable demise of your
relationship.
Also: if
you’re the one being apologized to – accept the apology without editorializing.
Responding to “I’m sorry, I was an asshole” with “Yup, you were” is just going to
start the fight all over again.
If you’ve
been following the steps, then ideally you’ve both calmed down and gotten to a
point where you’ve forgiven each other. This is the time to work out a
resolution to the cause of the fight. It’s great that you’ve stopped fighting
but that’s just treating a symptom. Unless you actually address the cause, then
all you’ve done is just put things on pause until you fight again.
Resolving the
conflict should be a collaborative approach. This means you have to work on
this together to fix things, not just dictate terms to one another as though
you’re negotiating the Treaty of Versailles. You want to ask two questions:
“What do you need to make things better?” and “How can we make this
happen?”
Relationships
are inherently a partnership; you’re supposed to be working together towards a
common goal and understanding. They’re not about “who wins” and “who loses”;
everyone loses when you’re fighting, no matter who’s actually in the right.
Collaborating together to find a way to make things right reinforces the fact
that at the end of the day, you’re on the same side.
It’s worth
noting: not every solution is going to be a compromise. Sometimes you have to
be willing to accept that what you’ve done has hurt your partner and that
you’re going to need to make concessions in the name of not hurting them.
That’s part of the price of entry to being in a relationship with someone; if
you’re unwilling to pay it… well, then you probably shouldn’t be in a
relationship with them in the first place.
You’ve
managed to stop fighting. You’ve worked together to find a solution. Now it’s
time to make up… and in many ways, this is the most important part of arguing
with your partner. You may have patched up the issues from the fight, but
you’re both still going to feel the sting of the fight and those lingering emotions
can poison your relationship if you don’t take care of them.
As it turns
out, there’s actually some truth to the old adage of “don’t go to bed angry”;
going to sleep can actually preserve negative emotions or even make them worse.
It doesn’t do you any good to try to stop fighting if all you’re going to do is
cement the anger and hurt.
This is why
making up is important. You’re not just resolving the problem, you’re reminding
one another that even though you may fight, you still have that core of love and
affection for one another. Yes, you may get angry, but that doesn’t mean that
at the end of the day, you don’t love each other. It’s important to keep that
in sight.
Taking the
time to make up afterwards is a form of relationship self-care. It’s a way of
reinforcing the bond and making each other happy again. You’re soothing the
hurt that you’ve both caused and replacing it with love and contentment. It
reaffirms the strength of your relationship and rewards you for fixing the
problems instead of just fighting over and over again.
And besides… if you don’t take
time to make up, when are you going to have that awesome make-up sex when you
do stop fighting?
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