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Monday, August 10, 2015

JUS' E-MAIL ME: I NO LONGER WANT TO BE GAY

I no longer want to be gay. I know that on the surface this statement reeks of the denial, self-loathing and internalized homophobia commonly associated with accepting and integrating ones gayness but truth is, I just don’t want to be gay anymore. It has outlived its usefulness. I have experienced all aspects of the life and can safely say that it no longer speaks to the person that I am or want to become. I didn’t always feel this way.

Initially I came to this community searching for love, intimacy and brotherhood. In return, I got shade, infidelity, loneliness and disunity. The self-loathing in this community forces you to encounter a series of broken men who are self-destructive, hurtful, cruel and vindictive towards one another. I have struggled to adapt my moral code to fit the behaviors concomitant with the lifestyle but it seems that the lifestyle is forcing me too far away from everything I love and value. No matter how many times I try to purge my perception of its firmly held beliefs and skewed biases, the same classic stereotypes of gay men keep rearing their ugly heads. The indiscriminate sex, superficiality, unstable relationships, self-hatred, peter pan syndrome, closeted connections, ageism, shade, loneliness, preoccupation with sex, prejudice, aversion to intimacy all seem to come out of the ground I thought they were buried under. Gay men just seem to find it difficult to transcend the stereotypes and clich├ęs attached to the life and it is becoming disheartening.

It has been seven years since I decided to live my life as an openly gay male and it has not been an easy road. It has been fraught with much pain and misery that I initially tried to mask with alcohol, drugs, sex and parties. In the beginning it was hard to admit that I liked other men. But I did and it was a very freeing experience. It gave me the opportunity to assert my identity when for years I struggled with this. It gave me a chance to be my own activist and stand up in the face of opposition from family, friends and society as a whole. I took pride in my gay pride and felt as though I were apart of something greater than myself, a movement of men who loved other men and who were unafraid to show it. Our love was supposed to be a revolutionary act. But the truth is, we didn’t love each other; we were just infatuated with the idea of belonging and going against the grain. We loved the freedom and taboo of rebelling against societal mores. The love that we thought was intricate to the spelling of our revolution was just a knife that we turned in on ourselves under the guise of fun and good times.

Personally I believe that love is sacrifice and not many gay men are willing to sacrifice for their brethren nowadays. Initially this spirit of self-sacrifice was salient during the AIDS crisis in the early 80’s and 90’s when resources were scarce and people were afraid. But now, there seems to be a preoccupation with the seduction of risk, as gay men play with matches, hoping to ignite meaningful connections in their never ending self-discovery. The grand prize of intimacy is often forfeited for the immediate gratification of a casual encounter on craigslist or a geo-social hook up on Grindr. Cars have become the new bedrooms and sex is not followed with pillow talk but rather phrases such as: “Blo and Go,” “Pump and Dump” and “Skeet and Leave”. The life is starting to look a lot like a slow death simmering on low heat and it doesn’t hold the same appeal that it once did to me. It is a life in serious need of renovations.

Men also used to be men and approached you with a modicum of chivalrous courage. Now they hide behind electronic masks or position themselves in close proximity to you at clubs hoping you initiate contact only to arrogantly dismiss your advances in an attempt to project their own discomfort. I have noticed that a lot of gay men seem to only want a challenge and live for the elusive. They want men who do not want them, men who resemble the emotional distance or absence of their fathers.

I am too young to long for the good old days but this life makes you miss what it meant to be gay. It makes you long for the times when a guy would greet you and offer you a drink as opposed to his cock size and sexual stats. The middleman of courtesy has been eliminated and replaced with an immoral devil who chaperons your destruction daily. It just isn’t worth it anymore. And while I recognize my attractions to men, I choose to no longer associate myself with a life that lives outside of morality and goodness. The gay life is like the love of a bad boy whose attention and love you initially covet but eventually outgrow. It’s just not where I see myself anymore.

Have you ever felt this way? 

What are your thoughts?

What advice would you give this person?

8 comments:

  1. Namaste Beloved, Yes I have since I began my spiritual journey I had to remove a lot of folks from around me,cause they aren't ready for change to come along as I am,I stop having sex unless we have an emotional & spiritual connection,so now I am working on me,and if the universe see fit to send a man who is on the same frequency as me fine and dandy,but if not I will always love me first and just live in the moment.I dont do the club thang I have outgrown that part of my life,I have found out there is more to my life than that part of my social life at 47 yrs. young .I enjoy giving back to the less fortunate & other charities my time & energy.What a nice post very to the point.Love ya'.

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    Replies
    1. Yes I felt and or feel this way. I haven't been in any relationship for many years. I allowed someone to turn me upside down and out were I don't even have the energy to try. I haven't had sex in over 11 months, and I don't miss it. I long for the good old days meeting someone when it was as
      easy as catching a bus, another one will be here in minutes. Lately, my first love has been heavy on my mind, (Monty I hope all is well with you), I've have reexamined and reexamined why I lefted and abandoned him through the years and it contuines to change. Great post and it spoke to me directly.

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  2. Sometimes, it's hard.
    Sometimes, it's good.

    But, we are who we are...

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  3. I almost fell out of my chair when I read this. It's like you're reading my mind. But I've never come across another homosexual person who thinks the same way about gay people.

    I came to this realisation about the so-called community long ago, and stopped calling myself gay two decades ago. I just call myself a homo, since it became impossible to consider myself a part of a community that doesn't want me in it and shares none of my values.

    Funny thing is that as soon as I stopped looking to the gay community for support and acceptance and started just looking for people who shared my values and interests without a filter of sexual orientation, my life rapidly improved, became more interesting and fulfilling.

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  4. I am telling you that there is love :) I Know it's hard , I understand you so much , but do not give up ,do not change because it got impossible...hope for the better and it will possible! Love and kisses to you ! BRAVE MAN!!��

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  5. I think this sensation is you shedding the name/title/label "gay" because you are living your Life and learning/growing from ALL of your experiences.... I think this sensation is you taking another step beyond the inner implications and outward expectations and limitations of 'Gay'..stepping into living the truth of your whole being as man, little more freer and maybe more ready to love with a heart grown more Whole, and a Soul grown wiser, more patient with himself and the many others who come, and will continue to come, into his life for love, hope, shelter, strength, nourishment, passion, and yes even to stay. So...relax, have sip of sweet wine, hug yo'self,..keep lovin yo'self, and bless yourself and the goodness of your life right here, and now....and move forward. Peace, Gaytekeeper, Ire O, and Blessed be. :-)

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  6. Beautiful spirits I am never gonna give up on love. But first I am going to take this time and live me first.As sensitive as I am i have the ability to attract love when I put my mind to it, thank the God's that I have my business and a few friends. There's love out here for everyone..call me anytime you just need a friend 478-336-6818.

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  7. I believed this. Then I went through a series of events that stripped me of my identity. This allowed me, for the first time in a long time, to experience the world unencumbered by past memory that was steeped in fear. Guess what? I met someone. I met him on Jack'd and we have been going strong for a while now. And, there were others who appeared to be genuinely good guys that I met. I actually had a choice of great black men to choose from. Who would have thought it possible? I changed my consciousness and it changed my life. I wish you the same.

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