I was recently thinking about all the things I meant to write
about, but for one reason or another, I haven’t. Maybe I didn’t want to be
judged and subject myself to stigma. But I’ve come to the conclusion that there
will always be people who can’t understand my choices because their minds are
already made up. So be it.
I need to confess something. Ever since those early days of the
AIDS crisis, I have been attracted to guys who are HIV-positive. Mainly, I
wanted someone with a job who was able to support himself, a place to live
other than his parents’ basement, and a sense of style and humor that most
people would appreciate, but above all, someone who sees the whole picture. By
that I mean someone who can see past his own nose—a good deed doer, in other
words. Those are the guys who, I think, have potential for the best chemistry.
It just so happens that many of the guys I started dating in the
1980s and early ’90s turned out to be HIV-positive. Coincidentally, they were
also real and unpretentious.
Think about it. Just for a moment, put yourself in someone else’s
shoes. After weeks of running a low-grade fever, an occasional bout with
thrush, and some nasty skin rashes, you decide to get yourself checked. After a
grueling wait period, the diagnosis comes back. You are HIV-positive.
You let this unwanted stranger sit with you and follow you
everywhere. What goes through your mind? Josh Robbins, who writes the blog I’m
Still Josh, says he seemed to expect the news but still needed to stop and
catch his breath. Then he moved forward and said, “Well, I got some work to do
to bring that viral load down.”
Another blogger, Patrick Ingram of Poz+ Life of Patrick, admits to
leaving the clinic feeling scared and alone after he was told he tested
positive, but then he immediately turned it around, offering to help anyone who
suspects that they might also have the virus.
“I’ll go with you if you live in my area,” he said. “Please, please
don’t do this alone.”
You can’t get any more real and compassionate than these two guys,
and they put my other friends to shame—people who seem more concerned about
where to travel for vacation than they do about the greater good.
Yes, I know some HIV-positive guys who keep their illness at a
distance, compartmentalizing their life and pretending everything is OK. My
former partner Robert, who was diagnosed with AIDS in 1994, first told
everybody, including his family, that he had “a blood cancer.” He thought it
would get him a little more sympathy than an AIDS diagnosis. He was right, but
in the end, his denial only delayed his healing.
I’m sure that my positive friends have some down days like
everybody else. But what I see in them is a passionate push to move forward and
get past the bad stuff. They have a brand of courage, optimism, and strength,
oddly coupled with a sweet vulnerability, that, quite frankly, I find
attractive. These are the kind of qualities I want in the person I grow old
with.
The first week of November, my boyfriend and I attended the wedding
of one of my friends, Jay, and his new husband, Angelo. To me, there was no
discernible difference between this wedding and any other. There was love,
excitement, apprehension, and all those emotions that come with the ritual
celebration of marriage.
This wedding also marked a victory of sorts. Like so many
HIV-positive men I know, Jay once wondered whether he would be seen as lovable
with his HIV-positive status. I suppose Angelo saw the same kind of thing I
have seen so many times in Jay. He is flawed like every other person I know
(myself included). But he’s also a guy who is always real and kind, who has a
clear-eyed focus on the future—a man you’ll find laughing and crying like the
rest of us.
Love the photo! Great story! Had a great positive friend for many years. He passed away just over a month ago. Lots of hugs and thanks, Patrick
ReplyDeleteglad he had you in his life
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