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Friday, January 29, 2016

THE 7 PEOPLE YOU MEET IN THE GYM

In the pantheon of resolutions, there is one that dwarfs the rest: hitting the gym. But starting a gym membership can be intimidating, especially if you’re worried about fitting into the culture. Luckily this cheat sheet is here to introduce you to the people you’ll meet if you decide to brave the gym this January.

1. The Ambiguous Personal Trainer



Who he is: we assumed he worked here, but now we’re thinking he’s just like a dude?

Telltale signs: his shirt’s slogan is one the gym stopped using 10 years ago; he’s wearing a nametag, but he’s actually the only one

Often spotted: correcting your form; handing out towels; watching 2 Broke Girls on the treadmill

2. The Power Couple



Who they are: the human equivalent of a selfie, only instead of a camera, they have each other

Telltale signs: comfortable saying “babe” in public; may not actually know each other’s names

Often spotted: “saving” an elliptical for the other one like it’s a movie theater seat

3. The Bodybuilding Fanatic



Who he is: some sort of goodwill ambassador for society’s muscled class

Telltale signs: has an origin story about a rough breakup; has an origin story

Often spotted: giving out whimsically dangerous dietary advice

4. The Hoarder and The Lurker



Who they are: one guy who acts like he lived through a Great Depression of gym equipment, and another one who should have left the house five minutes earlier

Telltale signs: spot the person with the clenched jaw, tapping his foot and folding his arms; follow the jagged red lines from his eyes to find a man who reigns over a kingdom of dumbbells

Often spotted: together, as they have been since the beginning of time, locked in a dance whose music they will never hear. It is beautiful.


5. The Grunter



Who he is: a rugged individualist who isn’t going to let decorum get in the way of a good workout; Serena Williams fan

Telltale signs: lifting weights, dropping a gym bag, answering a yes or no question... always with the grunting

Often spotted: memorizing Tom Hardy’s dialogue from Mad Max: Fury Road

6. Yoga Folks



Who they are: Delicate creatures, slight of build, who communicate entirely through body language

Telltale signs: limitless capacity for awe; impeccable posture; a greeting bow unlike that of any established human culture

Often spotted: Googling “what is a dolly llama?”

7. The Resolutionaries



Who they are: they are legion

Telltale signs: tags still on running shorts; holding a combination lock they can’t get out of the clamshell case while muttering it wasn’t meant to be


Often spotted: ironically, complaining about how crowded the gym is

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