The widespread
availability of porn has changed the sexual landscape forever. That much I’m
sure we can agree on.
As a 90s kid,
I’m of the generation that first got off to stolen dirty
magazines and taped viewings of Queer As Folk. How that did the job in
hindsight, I don’t know… But it did!
For curious
teenagers today – indeed, for all of us – explicit material is easily,
instantly accessible, and often free. Quantity, and the types of porn
available, are boundless. The definition of ‘hardcore’ is constantly
reinvented.
Full
disclosure: I’ve watched plenty of porn, as have most of the gay men
I know. This article isn’t about judging those who use it or make it. In
many ways porn is a guiding light when exploring sexuality.
But where it
gives with one hand, it takes with another. Porn addiction is a
rising problem. It hit the news back in
August after a doctor blamed it for increasing rates of erectile
dysfunction in young men, who she said are desensitised to sex on offer in
real life.
It got me
thinking about the cues we take from porn – myself included – and how
unrealistic many of them are. Here are just seven such examples…
1 That
everyone’s having threesomes and group sex all the time
Newsflash:
they aren’t. Unless you’re in a polyamorous relationship, live next
door to a sex club, are a logistical genius and/or are porn
star yourself, you probably aren’t having group sex that often.
(If ever).
If you’re one
of the lucky few having it on the regular, good for you. If you’re curious
to explore the scene, go for it.
But seriously –
do it because you want to, not because porn makes you feel you should. (Also, I
implore you, find a nice bunch of guys and to do it with, and
not an ‘Aryan
army of Stepford gays‘ like Patrick almost did in Looking.)
2
That it’s OK to continue having sex with someone who’s clearly not
enjoying it
I’m not talking
about dom/sub role play here, which is fine. (And I’m not talking
about someone who carries on after you’ve said no, either, which is never
fine).
I’m talking
guys who are so self-interested and bossy in a non-ironic way that they
completely ignore the uninspired, pained look on your face. Guys who
basically want a masturbation aid.
Why do they
think they can get away with it? Because they’ve seen it in porn. Think about
it. For every ecstatic facial expression at ejaculation, you’ll
find another completely and utterly bored, or in pain. Or worse: scared.
3 That all
men fit into boxes
Twinks, bears,
jocks, daddies – did any of the gay tribes permeating gay culture
originate in porn? I understand, to a degree, the convenience
of categorization. But some stereotypes verge on parody, and are
impossible to live up to.
And trying to
is limiting. It can limit how you express yourself, and the kind of
partners you seek out. For example, let’s say you’ve never much cared for
bear porn, but the big, hairy, older guy at the bar has checked you
out, and you’re interested. Don’t let your search history dictate what
happens next.
4 That sex has
much to do with the visual representation of penetration
Time was the
‘money shot’ was all about the climax. Arguably, now, it’s all about extreme
close ups of anal penetration. But that’s not something you actually see much
of in real-life sex.
Unless you have
a disjointed neck, fuck in a hall of mirrors, or, again, are having a lot of
group sex, perhaps. But generally speaking, that visual is very much of
the online realm. Ironically, having sex with someone and looking
them in the face is pretty much the hottest things you can do, right?
5 That to be
hot you have to have a perfect body
Don’t be basic.
6 That ‘gay for
pay’ is anything but nonsense, and at worst pure exploitation
I just can’t
get on board with this concept. Similarly, I wince when people say ‘turning’ a
straight guy is their ultimate fantasy, or that they’ve actually succeeded in
it. It’s like they’re reading from a particularly cliche-ridden porn script.
If a ‘straight’
guy is having sex on film and enjoying it, chances are he technically
isn’t straight. And what ‘straight’ usually means in this instance is
‘straight-acting’. (Basically, he’s wearing a cap). Perhaps in some cases
it’s more complex than that. But remember, the existence of heteroflexibility
is a whole other article. We’re talking about the tastes of
gay porn consumers here, and what we’re apparently willing to swallow.
If a
straight guy is having sex on film and not enjoying it – and
as per point two, there are so many examples of this online – then what we’re
witnessing is pure desperation, or potentially coercion.
On the
flip-side, if all parties consent and get what they want,
heterosexuality in tact, and you can get your rocks off, then arguably that’s
fine. But how much of a turn on would two men having completely
unconvincing sex be in real life?
7 That a
large penis is the be all and end all
Many of
the most popular videos online feature guys with huge dicks. Furthermore,
guy that are packing often brandish the fact all over their
online profiles as if desirability were that one note.
The truth is
plenty of hung guys are useless in bed, the average penis size is actually a
lot smaller than you think, and most of us have warped perceptions of our size
because of the angle we’re looking from. Plus, of course, because of
the porn we watch. (Remember, these people are actors, and aren’t
necessarily enjoying what they’re doing as much as it might seem…)
We debunk
more myths around men and penis size here.
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