· Guest Judges: Marg
Helgenberger and Bob Mackie
· Mini-Challenge: A bitch
fest with puppets
· Mini-Challenge
Winner: Alaska
· Main
Challenge: Design three outfits for the Sugar Ball: Super Duper Sweet 16,
Sugar Mama - Executive Realness, and Candy Couture
· Challenge
Winner: Alaska
· Main
Challenge Prize: A private portrait session with Austin Young
· Bottom Two: Detox and
Jinkx Monsoon
· Eliminated: Detox
So when my straight friends (ok, these two straight guys sitting
next to me at a diner last week) kept talking about the Final Four, it turns
out they weren’t referencing this momentous episode. Their loss. The weeks of
sweat, shade, and squirping have narrowed the field to the quarrelsome quartet
of Rolaskatox and Jinkx.
Roxxxy spends the first segment establishing herself as the scholar
of the group. First, she lays out the cogent argument that she’s here to win,
while Coco was on RuPaul’s Settle-The-Drama-With-Your-Ex-Best-Friend Race. It’s
an idiotic assessment of the situation, particularly because Alyssa and Coco
weren’t aware that they’d be on the show together, but whatever. For her next
feat of mental prowess, she suggests that winning will be made easier if she
just lights all of Jinkx’s costumes on fire. Sportsmanlike and subtle. Third,
she sagely advises Jinkx and Alaska that they can’t possibly take the crown
because they haven’t had to lip sync yet! So wait, the key to winning is
losing? This outlook explains much of Roxxxy’s past performance.
Suddenly, a pheromone is released into the air and the contestants
are filled with bloodlust. Luckily, SheMail interrupts before the verbal
attacks can turn physical. (Alaska, who proved last week that she has Slayer
Strength, would probably have welcomed this gladiator-style showdown.) The
mini-challenge that follows is a repeat of the season 4 puppet show: each queen
is asked to mock a felt mock-up of another competitor. Roxxxy is thrilled
because this is her opportunity to make fun of Jinkx (I mean, she’s really been
holding back), but her inability to mask her disdain with even a thin layer of
humor ends up tanking her skit. The win goes to Alaska, whose mini-Andrews is
like a fabulous military drone that drops layers and catchphrases instead of
bombs.
As construction begins, everyone immediately pounces on Jinkx’s
antlers as ridiculous, because the rest of them are just regular men
impersonating women by covering themselves in sugary snacks. Ru, on the other
hand, is more concerned with her plan to serve a vintage look after the judges
have so often asked for something contemporary. Roxxxy also gets questioned
during the workroom visit and makes her first smart move of the day (of the
season?) by taking the feedback and demolishing the whole look on the spot. If
Ru doesn’t like it today, she’s not gonna like it tomorrow.
Since the girls are all scrambling to turn their confections into
costumes, Ru thinks it’s a good moment to throw down one last, teeny little
request: she’d like for them to weakly perform a crappy number that neither its
participants nor its audience will enjoy. Just to make sure that coffin is good
and nailed shut, she hands choreography responsibilities to Alaska, who has the
innate grace of a swan duct taped to a cinder block. Are you excited yet?
Rehearsal is, of course, a mess. Everyone’s already mad at Jinkx
for having made so much noise during sewing time, but no one had the guts to
say anything while she was holding a hammer. (Those arson comments might not
have been jokes; she needed to arm herself.) But now that the only weapon
available is a cardboard lollipop, Roxxxy is perfectly comfortable firing off a
few choice barbs. There’s precious little dancing being done, and any sane or
merciful person would do us all a favor and let this song die a peaceful,
private death. No such person exists on the Drag Race editing staff,
apparently.
Guest judge Bob Mackie deserves better than the limpid pageantry
they eventually devise. (I’m less worried about subjecting Marg Helgenberger to
such a display. What is she even doing here?) At least it’s over with merciful
speed so that we can get to the ball already. Cinderella’s fairy godmother gave
her until midnight, but Logo’s cutting us off at 10pm Eastern, so let’s move it
right along, shall we?
Despite a rail thin frame suggesting that she never eats sugar, or
anything else for that matter, Alaska sets the bar impressively high. Her
teenage look is simple but accurate; her stash of Party City props lends hard
hat realness to her short-haired executive ensemble; and her cotton candy
couture earns praise for being the only dress of the night that was obviously
made from sweets. Though her creation was literally falling apart backstage, it
propels her to another win.
Jinkx, unfortunately, is like a cancer-causing artificial sweetener
before a panel of FDA evaluators. Her pubescent garb gets clocked as
practically menopausal (though, to be fair, she was warned about that), while
her McQueen aspirations are undercut by her McDonald’s budget. She’ll be joined
in the bottom two by Detox, who is too consistently bitter to integrate candy
into her outfits.
Never in my wildest dreams would I have expected RuPaul to choose
an Yma Sumac song for her girls to perform, but it happens and it is glorious.
The lip sync is almost too close to call because both of the queens on the
chopping block are known for their offbeat stylings and each commits fully to
selling the space opera shenanigans. In the end, though, you just can’t
out-crazy a narcoleptic, aquaphobic, Broadway-bound MILF. The show finishes
Detox and begins its commitment to sobriety. One day at a time, y’all.
I used to think Boy Roxxxy was hot but after hearing his comments about Jinkx during Untucked, I see him as vile. America's Next Drag Superstar must possess compassion among other traits and Roxxxy is sorely lacking. My vote is for Jinkx but if Alaska wins I won't be unhappy.
ReplyDeleteYeah I vote for Alaska or Jinkx
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