Guest Judges: Coco Austin and Paulina PorizkovaMini-Challenge: Create a mannequin doll in pairs for "America's Junior Drag Superstar" pageantMini-Challenge Winners: Alaska and Lineysha SparxMain Challenge: Split into two teams and star in children's TV ShowsChallenge Winner: DetoxMain Challenge Prize: Wig wardrobe from New Attitude WigsBottom Two: Coco Montrese and Monica Beverly HillzLip Synch Song: When I Grow Up by The Pussycat DollsEliminated: Monica Beverly Hillz
I’m going to be honest with you: I was tipsy on white wine and
positively drunk with joy at Serena ChaCha’s removal from the competition last
week. No one misses her, and her memory is wiped away like so much lipstick off
the mirror.
Of course, everyone wants to express their unending support for
Monica Beverly Hillz now that she’s outed herself as transgendered, but ain’t
nobody got time for affirmations when there’s a good, old-fashioned feud still
a-brewing. Love and acceptance are cute and all, but we need some action.
Vivienne Pinay (at the urging of the producers, I assume) prods both Alyssa
Edwards and Coco Montrese about their prior drama, but is stymied by their
shared ability to talk endlessly without actually saying anything. It’s a shame
that the opening credits play right as the conversation gets started, because I
can’t imagine when there will be an opportunity to bring this up again.
This week’s mini-challenge asks the ladies to couple off and raise
a mannequin child together. So heteronormative. Although Detox gains a little
ground by half-assing an impersonation of Rachel Zoe that mostly involves
saying “I’m Rachel Zoe” a lot, the game is Alaska’s through and through. I hope
she and Sharon Needles aren’t trying to adopt right now, because Lil’ Pound
Cake’s pageant behavior would have Child Protective Services calling for
reinforcements. There were so many bleeped words during her presentation that I
momentarily worried my TV was broadcasting in Morse code.
Despite (or because of) the foulness, Alaska and Lineysha Sparx are
rewarded for their lack of maternal instinct and get to be leaders of this
week’s main competition. With so many queens in the workroom, Ru knows that
unless she forces them into teams, it’ll be like herding really fabulous cats.
Keeping with the Up-and-Coming Legendary Children theme, she assigns her girls
the task of creating a kids’ show. I’m not sure who in the writing room was
sick enough to propose an entire episode dedicated to pre-schoolers, but that
person deserves a bonus that I’m sure will be spent entirely on more club
drugs.
Alaska nominates herself as the host of her program, bringing lots
of personality but precious little drag. Her choice to wear overalls and no wig
causes Ru and Michelle to gawk at her like she swallowed a baby whole. Yet not
thirty seconds later, Detox is introduced as Clucky the Cock and no one bats a
false eyelash. She’s not even dressed as a male of this species! Surely that
rings a couple alarm bells? The Word of the Day segment that follows has more
box double entendres that you can shake a stick at (see what I did there?), and
Roxxxy Andrews’ salad-tossing tutorial is just plain delicious. I thought
Vivienne’s blandness would hold the team back until Alyssa and Monica Beverly
Hillz came out to teach us about the phrase “dead weight.” Monica should have
gotten into the shade sooner, because she’s displaying signs of heat
stroke-related brain damage.
On Lineysha’s side, the team is a little light on ideas. When Ru
meets with them, they get the uh-oh edit, complete with that dramatic strings
sound that’s supposed to make you feel like one of them is going to drop dead
in a second. It’s not a fake-out, either: the filming of their presentation is
grim. Jinkx Monsoon does her best to save this sinking ship, but no amount of
enthusiasm could have obscured the carnage. Jade Jolie complains that she would
have done better if the word of the day hadn’t been announced before her
entrance, but I don’t truly believe she had much thunder to steal in the first
place. Ivy Winters and Lineysha give a technically accurate yet
entertainment-free recipe for a banana split, but they look like Meryl Streep
and Glenn Close next to Coco and Honey Mahogany, whose ventriloquist routine
should have been chopped up and used as kindling.
Before the judging can commence, Alyssa and Coco engage in another
pointless rehash of their old problems. Still, nothing is revealed or resolved.
They need to stow that baggage in the overhead compartment because everyone
wants to get to the runway already. Don’t delay my reunion with Paulina
Porizkova; I’ve missed her signature dry bitchiness since she was fired from
America’s Next Top Model and I can’t wait a moment longer! (Ice-T’s wife I
could take or leave, truthfully.)
The “Pretty in Pink” theme this week elicits some surprising
selections from our ladies. Ru’s take is so forward-thinking that it redefines
pink as a shade of acid green that my television can’t display properly. Jinkx
makes looking like Glenn Close into a trend by serving Dangerous Liaisons on
the runway and getting compared to Alex Forrest from Fatal Attraction in her
hosting costume. Roxxxy Andrews brings the class and covers her ass, but Detox
turns more heads and secures a win by wearing a barely-there mesh number and
showing off her cock talents. In the video segment, pervs. And that’s not a
reference to her porn past.
Over in the danger zone, Alaska receives praise for her
Wolfenstein-meets-Candyland couture, but scorn for her decision to bro out on
everyone. Why did she even pack overalls? Were they in the same suitcase as the
horse mask? Vivienne is called out for being boring (accurate), but Monica and
Coco were both too atrocious to be allowed and will have to lip sync for their
lives.
While it at first seemed exceptionally misguided for the oldest of
the contestants to sport lurid babydoll drag on the catwalk, it comes together
when the Pussycat Dolls’ “When I Grow Up” starts thumping. Coco explodes into a
spinning frenzy like a Tazmanian Devil on club drugs, and her lip-syncing
pyrotechnics leave no question that she’ll be safe for another week. Sorry,
Monica, but it’s time to sashay away. Looks like there are no rewards for
revealing your secrets on reality TV.
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