I AM...

I am whatever YOU think I am until YOU get to KNOW me. This is true for everyone else too, of course.. so don't make assumptions about anyone or pass judgment; ask questions. You might just make a new friend.


Thursday, April 21, 2016


Is it possible to make new gay friends after 30? That’s what my partner and I are in the process of trying to find out. I’m cautiously optimistic however and think that we will make new gay friends. But the main question we both have is, why does it seem so hard?

To make it even harder for ourselves, we’ve just moved onto a semi-country property, we both work from home and we don’t use Grindr, Gaydar or any form of gay hook up app.

Making Gay Friends Gets Harder As Your Get Older

Part of it may be an age thing. While your twenties are all about finding yourself and making new friends wherever life may take you (overseas, uni, new job), by 30, there’s a certain expectation that you’ve made the friends you’re going to make, and now it’s time to settle down. Part of settling down involves honouring whatever commitments we’ve made in our lives, whether they be to our partners, families, careers, or the bank in the form of a 30 year mortgage. As a by product of our commitments, we have less time for our existing gay friends, much less the time and energy needed to make new ones.

Another part of it may be to do with becoming pickier as we get older. As we know ourselves better, we develop a criteria that we apply to new people we meet, based on what we’ve experienced to work and not work before. This can be a good thing as it steers us away from the people we don’t want to have in our lives, but as we sharpen our focus, the available pool of meeting suitable people shrinks considerably.

Then there’s also the fact that we’re only looking for gay friends, and not to hook up (which ironically feels like it would be easier). While there are a plethora of hook up apps, there aren’t as many gay friend apps, are there? It seems that in the abundance of available casual sex, room hasn’t been made for those genuinely looking for friendships, and people to hang out with. I know that this isn’t a new thing in the gay community (only the medium is different), but it still leaves me a bit confused. Even when I was single (and I was single for a looooong time), I would have always chosen friendship over fucking (OK, well at least 95% of the time).

But all is not lost. Despite these hurdles, we’ve actually discovered that there are in fact, other ‘gays in the village’. Two other couples in fact. So, with an exchange of numbers, we have made the first step towards the possibility of a new friendship with one of the couples. Who knows how it will go? Just because we’re both gay and live in the same area, is no guarantee of friendship. But, it might just be a start. Maybe as we go along, we’ll discover shared interests, enjoy each other’s company and develop a friendship based on trust, honesty and loyalty. Or, they may never answer our first text message, who knows?

I’ll keep you posted as things progress…



  1. "Just because we’re both gay and live in the same area, is no guarantee of friendship." There it is in a nutshell. I'd love nothing better to have a coterie of black, gay male friends, but it hasn't happened, and I no longer fear that it never will ... because at this age, it just AIN'T!

    I've always been told that in order to have friends, you first have to BE a friend. I'm tired of trying, and being told that "I don't need any new friends, but we can hook up if you like." Well, I don't like! Consequently, most of our friends are heterosexual. But even then, that presents a new set of circumstances because the heterosexual dude HAS to be secure to deal with the "stigma" of having two gay male "friends." Regardless, (and I hate to say it), but they often bring a lot more stability and honesty toward building a platonic relationship.

    What about gay white dudes? They can't even relate to what it's like being us because they're to busy BEING THEM!

    Good luck in your attempts to cultivate these friendships. I hope that you are successful, and gain a few friends for a lifetime, or maybe even a good season. They come and they go. But whatever friends that you already have ... my advice is to hold on them at all costs.

  2. I applaud your effort, I don't know what part of the country your in but good luck.
    You think it is hard to make gay friends when your over 30, try it when your over 50 like myself.

  3. Hey, if you are not against having new friends in Montreal, I and my boyfriend (both black, 33 and 35 y.o), always like to meet new people.

  4. I love that u brought this subject up. Certainly needs more dialogue. I've had ppl tell me they don't want to be friends they want to have sex with us both. M like I just want friendships not fuck buddies. It seems non existent existent.I give up!

  5. I recently moved from Ft. Lauderdale Fl to South Carolina. Thinkng I would be the only gay guy around didn't make it such a rosy propect for friends or possible lovers. But I discovered in my area of Sc (Upstate) there are many groups that meet for pot luck suppers, evenings out at restaraunts etc. Someone tod me about a pot luck supper group and I went the first month I was here. A year and a half later I have made many good friends and joined other groups. Check on the internet in whatever state you live migh be surprised! Best of luck to both of you!

  6. I'm having the same problem. In my 20s, it seemed like it was easier for me to meet guys as friends (and sometimes fuck buddies).

    But now I'm 30, I'm definitely wiser and more selective with friends. I'm not driven by sex b/c I fucked enough in my 20s. And fortunately I meet new guys often, but most of them are always very shallow (we see each other out and house parties and that's it). I seem to form better bonds with straight women than black gay men nowadays. I'm optimistic I will find my tribe again ... I have a lot to offer as a friend so it's a matter of time someone sees it. I'm starting to put in the effort again to make friends, it's not gonna just fall in my lap.



Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...