I AM...

I am whatever YOU think I am until YOU get to KNOW me. This is true for everyone else too, of course.. so don't make assumptions about anyone or pass judgment; ask questions. You might just make a new friend.


Thursday, February 20, 2014


Admittedly, this dilemma is self-imposed. Dating is hard for everyone but if guys like ourselves were more open about our sexuality, we’d attract more people who were also attracted to men, even if for just one night.

Example: Many feminine guys who were “Out” during their high school years have told me that back then they were secretly approached by many guys (often by guys that had publicly harassed them).

These young men wrestling with their sexuality at least knew where to go if they wanted a blow job from another guy: The feminine boy advertising that his car was for sale.

So back to the question, “How do I meet people?”
My answer to these guys is always the same: “It depends on your Level of Gay Comfort.”

What is that exactly? Keep reading to find out…

  A Level of Gay Comfort is something that distinguishes various types of gay men. How “comfortable” a man is in doing certain things to meet other guys determines his level of comfort in being a Gay/Bisexual man. Let’s begin at the beginning:

Level One: Paranoid Men

This is the base level. Many discreet men start off here but only a small percentage stays here their whole lives. At this level, there is NO level of comfort with being Gay. Men here are paranoid that anyone will discover their attraction to other men. It’s a constant fear. They sometimes will act overly-masculine, aggressive and violent in an attempt to deflect suspicion. There are many unhappily married Bisexual men at this Level of Gay Comfort that secretly masturbate to Gay porn instead of meeting other men.

People often say that there were not as many Gay people around 50 years ago but that isn’t true. Many of them were in this paranoid state of not wanting anyone to find out about them.

Pros: No one will ever find out you are attracted to men. Your discretion remains intact.

Cons: No one will ever find out you are attracted to men (which defeats the point). Chronic masturbation and antisocial behavior is a side effect to this level.

Level Two: Telephone Chat Lines

This is one of the most private ways to meet men. It is the modern day Gay equivalent to Blind Dating. It is also one of the most debasing and vulgar ways to meet them. The telephone chat lines are filled with men just looking for quick anonymous no-strings-attached sex. If you’re looking for more than that you have to be patient and weed through the perverts. Personally, I’ve met a few really good datable guys there but it was like catching lightning in a bottle.
This option can be dangerous as some men have reportedly been lured into meeting for a hookup only to be assaulted and robbed. Always meet in a public place if you choose this option.

Pros: By hearing their voice before you meet, you can better gauge whether or not the other person is masculine or feminine. You don’t have to reveal your phone number or photo.

Cons: Can be potentially dangerous exposing you to potential Sexually Transmitted Infections, robbery attempts, assaults and more.

Level Three: Online Sex/Dating Sites

 This is the most common way to meet men and is typically the introduction most men have into the “Gay Lifestyle.” Most Gay men have had an online profile on a website at some point in their lives. It takes awhile for men to get to this comfort level after elevating from Level One. This is also where many men top off, never going to a higher level than this.

This method allows you to take your time and get a sense of who the person is before you meet them in person. The downside here is that its harder to protect anonymity. Not only do you normally have to post pictures of yourself, your identity can also be (technically) traced through your ISP.

Also, there are still dangers involved with this method. There have been criminal cases of assaults on men responding to online ads though Craigslist and others. Always meet in a public place if you choose this option.

Pros: The most popular method means more men to choose from no matter where you’re located. More time to weed through incompatible guys.

Cons: Not as “anonymous” as people would think. Photos of yourself required for better responses. Can be potentially dangerous exposing you to potential Sexually Transmitted Infections, robbery attempts, assaults and more.

Level Four: Mobile Apps

This is the newest method to meet guys, yet it’s much like the previous level. Like the websites, these apps require you to post “face pics” in order to get a decent amount of quality responses.  Apps like Grindr, Jack’d, Loopt and Knocking Live have made meeting guys as easy as sending a text message.

If you’re comfortable enough in your Gayness to use your traceable cell phone to meet men for casual hookup sex, welcome to Level Four.

Pros: Convenience.

Cons: The mobile apps offer the same risks as the previous levels.

Level Five: Sex Parties and Bath Houses

Okay. I was hesitant to include this as an actual level but you do have to be somewhat comfortable to go to a sex party or bath house.  Sex Parties (aka Freak Parties) are typically private homes/apartments that charge a small admission fee for you to engage in NSA sex with other men in attendance. Here’s a direct quote from a Sex Party ad: “Anything goes but condoms and lube will be available.”

I have never personally been to anything like this so I can’t speak on it too much. However, I would assume that visiting a sex party carries the same risks as the levels above: Sexually Transmitted Infections from anonymous men and sketchy characters walking amongst you.

In its defense, a friend of mine said that he met a guy at a sex party and they ended up dating for almost a year and a half, so it’s possible to find more than Hepatitis B at one of these functions. If you’re feeling frisky and want to give this a try, go for it.

Pros: Give me a second…Still trying to think of one. Oh yeah, I hear many of these parties somewhat respect anonymity and usually keep the space very dark or dimly lit.

Cons: See above.

Level Six: Mutual Friends

 Now we’re getting into a safer territory. This is also what I consider leaving the Beginner Level of Gayness and entering the Intermediate Level.

Odds are that if a discreet man, have gay friends close enough to him to set him up with other discreet guys, he’s pretty experienced and comfortable.

I have to admit that this way to meet men is very rare, at least from my experience and observations.

 Pros: Safer way to meet guys. If a friend recommends someone for you to meet, usually some kind of vetting has taken place.

Cons: Dealing with the friend of a friend can become messy. Especially if said friend is hooking you up with a former fuck buddy.

Level Seven: Private Parties

 This is probably the best option of them all. If you’re lucky enough to be invited to a private party full of fellow discreet men comfortable enough with themselves to be seen in this environment, odds are you won’t leave without a phone number.

You’re in a comfortable environment, drinks and conversation flowing, confidently knowing that every guy you see there is also sexually attracted to men as well.

Granted you will still have to deal with conflicting desires and intentions (some just want sex, some want more), but this option is so much better than any of the Levels listed above.

Unfortunately, the only way to become invited to one of these parties is to go through a period at the Sixth Level of Gay Comfort.

Pros: Comfortable environment to converse with various people. Very little fear of being “exposed” given that all of the men there are either as discreet as you or very understanding of desires to be discreet.

Cons: If you are an anti-social person, you will have a tough time interacting with guys. If you’re a “new face” at these functions, you will be gawked at repeatedly and become the victim of classic Gay Face. On a rare occasion I’ve seen these functions become a bit “messy” with men beefing over other men.

Level Eight: Gay Clubs/Gay Bars

 Once you’ve reached this Level, you’re officially an Advanced Level Gay Man. Even if you go to a gay club wearing sunglasses and a fitted cap, having the courage to enter that parking lot, stand in that line and enter a gay club officially seals the deal.

The advantage to going to Gay clubs/bars is mostly a subliminal one. When I first built up the courage to go to one and saw literally hundreds of men (of various Ages, Shapes and Degrees of Masculinity) the main thing that hit me was: “I’m not alone. All of these guys are pretty much like me.” Once I got a couple cups of “liquid courage”, I confidently made choppy conversation over the loud music.

The problem with these places is that you never know what you’re going to get once you interact with the person outside of the club/bar.

Typically, if you meet someone in these places and you don’t have sex that night, you most likely won’t hear from them again. Also, these places can be very debasing and promote inappropriate sexually motivated behavior (random ass and crotch gropes are common).

If you are not comfortable going to a club/bar in the city you reside in, rent a car and travel to a nearby city/state. The experience will likely change your life in a good way. Even if you are not much of a club goer in general, I’d recommend experiencing a few different clubs at least once to get it out of your system.

Pros: The ability to “be yourself” and approach men you’re attracted to much like heterosexuals do in clubs and bars. The fear of being instantly “Outed” to unsuspecting friends and family by going to these places is more a fantasy than a reality (depending on where you live).

Cons: Many clubs/bars are filled with younger feminine men. To some men, this may not really help your comfort level if this is your first time in a club. Many of the men you meet will mainly be looking for a NSA hookup that night.

Level Nine: Public Places

 This Level of Gay Comfort is for the Jedi-Master Discreet Gay Men. At this level you have to not only be comfortable approaching unclockable guys in public, you also have to be confident that there is a strong possibility that they are Gay themselves. You’ve got to have great “GayDar.”

I myself have never done this in public. The closest I’ve gotten is the ability to slowly flirt with male friends that I wasn’t quite sure was Gay or not. But to do this at a gas station, in the gym, the mall, or a supermarket to complete strangers is foreign to me.
But I’ve heard many stories of this being done. I’m told it can start out as simple as a compliment on your shoes or your shirt…Then the infamous question comes “Yo, do you ‘get down?’”…then it ends with you and him having sweaty sex…all within 24 hours!

These men are the Gay Jedis of our community. It starts with confidence, swag and a Level of Gay Comfort so strong that you don’t care if you get rejected and discovered to “get down” with other men.

Pros: Pretty much everyone is up for grabs if your GayDar is strong.

Cons: You could actually be right about the guy being Gay, but depending on his own level of comfort he may still reject you.

Level Ten: Out and Proud

 This is the polar opposite of Level One. At this stage, the discreet masculine Gay man may not be advertising his sexuality with a billboard, but he’s also not going out of his way to hide it either. He’s most likely experienced many of the previous levels in some form or fashion and has probably moved on from participating in them by now as well.

While dating and meeting other men is still difficult, he’s perfectly comfortable going to public Gay events like Pride parades, Miami Sizzle and Gay Film Festivals. He’s also comfortable joining Gay groups like local Gay flag football teams, local Gay basketball teams and volunteering at local Gay Health Awareness Clinics.
Pros: You’re officially telling other masculine Gay men that you are on the market.

Cons: You may face resistance in meeting other masculine men who are not yet at this Level of Gay Comfort for fear of being Outed by association.

Admittedly, this list is very generalized. There are many branches that could be split off to fill 10 more blog posts just like this one. However, for any young or old “Beginner Gays” out there, this could be a good starting point to getting yourself acclimated to the so-called “Gay Lifestyle” and the process of meeting other men. 


  1. I could go on and on about Feminine gays and the disrespect they get from the more masculine gays. Fems are good enough to creep around and sleep with on the low, but lord forbid it if anyone found out about it. I wasn't out in high school, nor am I totally feminine (I'm like...6/10 fem), but I've had my fair share of "getting hit in the locker room, and getting hit ON when dudes are alone...


    1. yeah I can't take the way gay men view 'fem' guys

  2. Interesting - kind of like the seven rings of hell. Re: Bars - you are more likely to meet people who drink way to much in order to be social. Personally? You throw up on my shoes that's the end of it. Flirting when a bit tipsy? Sexy. Throwing yourself at someone when you are three sheets to the wind? So not. I've had a lot of success on the gay hook-up sites. You really do get the opportunity to weed out the ones that are just looking for a quick fuck (not that there is anything wrong with that.) My current beau? We emailed and chatted on-line for 9 months before finally meeting for coffee. All that time, I kept learning more about him. It paid off big time once we started dating. The sex thing? Easy to talk about with him.Love your blog. People keep reblogging links to your posts on Google+ - Uptonking from Wonderland Burlesque

    1. I would like to hear more about your hook ups :-) thanks, I LOVE your blog as well

  3. Interesting. Though, I have to admit to not really being able to relate. I've been out since, well, middle school. Yet I would still not be caught dead at a sex party. I don't know why this is so different than clubbing it to me, but it just seems on a whole different level of impersonal.
    Actually I don't think this list really doesn't have to be about how out you are, but how personal you want your sex life to be. I have known guys who are VERY out, yet on line and Grindr is how they meet guys. I guess there is something to be said for not worrying about rejection.
    Very interesting post.

    1. sex party is WAY different than clubbing and I get where you are coming from



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