Coming out means potentially losing a lot. It is possible to lose
one’s family (both immediate and extended), friends, home, job, etc. Coming out
is never done without cost. At the very least, one’s self-image must be
reinvented. This reinvention requires that part of one’s self-image must be
changed, and part of that process is to grieve one or more losses. Each person
grieves in his own way, but the stages of grief apply to most:
Denial: I am not
different. This will be easy. Nothing will change except having sex with men
rather than women. A relationship is a relationship, just different parts. No
one needs to know, this is private.
Anger: This is not
fair. This should not be happening to me. It messes up everything. People will
not like me anymore. They will only see that I am gay and I can’t handle that.
Why me? I did not ask for this. I don’t want it. I won’t do it.
Bargaining: I will only
tell a few people. I will only have sex or be gay when I am out of town. I will
only get sucked or do the fucking because that means I am not gay. I am not
like that.
Depression: I don’t see
a way to be happy. I can’t be gay. I can’t come out. I can’t stand this lie
anymore. It is killing me. There is no happy ending for me.
Acceptance: It won’t be
easy, but I will do what I have to do. I want to be happy; I want to be who I
really am. I am worth it and people who love me will love me no matter what.
The loss can include loss of social
status, loss of relatives and friends, loss of jobs, loss of church/religion,
and loss of money. Each loss has its own process and consequence. Some men pay
higher prices to be who they really are and live in integrity. For the vast
majority, the journey is worth the price and they become much better, happier
people. But it is crucial that the stages of grief be felt and expressed in
whatever way is appropriate for each individual.
SOURCE: MYOST
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