EVERY NIGHT...

Every night before going to bed, he would brush
his teeth and make a preemptive attempt to void his bladder. He then walked
into his closet, got on his knees in front of the shoe rack and prayed to a god
whose unlikely existence he likened to an ongoing quantum event. In his mind,
the act of kneeling mattered not at all to this supposed god. He could just as
well pray standing naked on his head with his ass serving as a fleshy vase for
a bouquet of flowers. The penitential pose was only useful as a demonstration
of his humility in the face of the infinite (although when things were going
his way, it was more of a feigned humility). The prayers themselves mostly
consisted of thanking his sub-atomic almighty verb for assembling an
infrastructure that allowed for life to exist. This included, in no particular
order, the various laws of physics, gravity, organic chemistry and
thermodynamics. And, since it was his belief that sentient life was created by
an insentient universe in order for the insentient universe to be admired, he
made an effort in his prayers to tell the insentience, "nice work" or
"way to go". Finally, he would close with a plea for this nameless
everything to look after the less fortunate. "Please god, despite the clear
evidence that it's not in your nature to care, bring love and happiness to all
the souls who suffer." Then, his heart filled with grace, he would climb
into bed and sleep peacefully until he dreamed he was standing in his closet
and peeing on his shoes - god's clever way of telling him he had to wake up and
go to the bathroom.

SOURCE: CHUCK LORRE PRODUCTIONS