I AM...

I am whatever YOU think I am until YOU get to KNOW me. This is true for everyone else too, of course.. so don't make assumptions about anyone or pass judgment; ask questions. You might just make a new friend.

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Wednesday, February 2, 2011

YOU ARE NOT COMPLETELY GAY UNTIL...

I got this in an e-mail and thought I'd share it with you guys. It had a different title, but I changed it to something more fitting...I must say I was humored by this email. I say humored because I'm sure we have all met one of the types of men! And I'm positive some of us fall into one, if not, more of the "types." I would even go as far to say that these men are a rite of passage and if you haven't met your quota, take note and get to work...LMFAO!

The Skinny Bitch
This strain of Black gay is typically very young (“green”) but quickly rises in popularity in his newfound social circle because of his youth, pliability and quick mastery of shade. His goal is to accrue as many enemies as possible since he’s convinced that having enough people that despise him means he’s “doing something right.” He will spend an entire month’s salary on designer sunglasses because he considers them social currency.

Activities: “Walking”, throwing shade, wearing eyeliner, being penetrated, hogging the camera, starting arguments with strangers, making youtube videos, going to the mall.
Diva of Choice: Beyonce or Rihanna (there is no in-between)
Top or Bottom: Bottom.

The Homo Thug
The Homo Thug’s days are numbered since this is a group that usually patterns itself after trends in Hip-Hop, and the thug image is slowly fading. However, this image is still a selling point in gay porn and a popular refuge for closeted men. He usually has archaic notions about Black male sexuality and equates “thug” with masculinity. He is disrespectful, self-hating, and needs to pull his pants up.

Activities: Hiding, lying, saying “I don’t do that gay shit”, smoking weed, being ignorant, having kids, having a limited vocabulary, not returning calls, breaking hearts.
Diva of Choice: Lil’ Wayne
Top or Bottom: Outdoor Versatile Top/Indoor Power Bottom

The Big Boy
These teddy bears are sweet, loving, warm and always horny. The lines between a good meal and good sex are often so blurred that any conversation involving “meat” will simply have to be taken in stride. He is way more confident than you think he has a right to be, always has a date (because he looks “healthy”), he’s funny, and will give you anything in the world as long as you are consistently fucking his brains out.

Activities: Calling skinny bitches “skinny bitches”, cooking, hugging, making inappropriate double entendres, grabbing.
Diva of Choice: Jennifer Hudson
Top or Bottom: Bottom.

The Muscle Queen/Athletes
They roll in packs and only date each other. You never see them during the winter months because they are in the gym 24/7. Come summer, he’s wearing the smallest tank-top or the tightest t-shirt. Don’t bother lusting after him, because you do not exist in his world.

Activities: Making fun of fat people, lifting weights, talking about lifting weights, accusing skinny people of being sick, dating white guys, bumping into people, being penetrated.
Diva of Choice: Creatine.
Top or Bottom: Versatile/Power Bottom.

The Church Queen
In spite of the Black church’s reputation for homophobia and intolerance, you will find that a number of Black gay men make the church the cornerstone of their social interaction, perhaps out of a sense of familial or religious obligation, or simply because the choir is so fierce. The Church Queen is usually loyal and loving, but is prone to Tourette-like outbursts of “Jee-suss!!” in any given situation. He listens to gospel music constantly and considers Loretta Divine his spirit animal.

Activities: Cooking, talking loud, clutching his pearls, singing, being called “mother”, being single, speaking with a southern twang even though he’s from the midwest or the northeast.
Diva of Choice: Karen Clark Sheard
Top or Bottom: Sanctified Bottom.

The Uppity Snob
He is educated, has a six-figure salary, a nice car and a big house, but nothing is good enough for him. He will throw dinner parties with his Coven Of The Articulate and they will all wear hard-soled shoes regardless of the season, time of day or theme. When he’s among other types of gays, he will roll his eyes, sneer, or attempt to oppress them intellectually. In spite of all his accomplishments, he’ll never be happy, can’t take a joke and never laughs. He can usually be found in the club wearing a blazer and sipping a cocktail against the wall.

Activities: Debating, sighing, having a small penis, having furniture delivered, going to the spa, being offended, finding excuses to use any word that requires a schwa.
Diva of Choice: Whitney Houston
Top or Bottom: Versatile/Bottom.

The Alterna-Queen
He doesn’t like the “gay scene” because he finds it “too mainstream.” You can find him a coffee shop with his MacBook Pro listening to underground Soul or Hip-Hop, writing poetry and waiting for someone with whom he can debate the oppression of goats and librarians. He often accuses people of “not getting” him and reactively dislikes anything that everyone else likes. He’s basically “The Uppity Snob” but with dreadlocks.

Activities: Poetry slams, debating, having his locks re-twisted, blogging, shopping at outdoor markets, calling himself a photographer, quoting Marcus Garvey, dating white men.
Diva of Choice: Some bitch you never heard of.
Top or Bottom: Top for white guys, otherwise versatile.

The Old Queen
The Old Queen has seen everything and done everyone. He thinks you’re frivolous and that you stole everything from his generation. He will say things like “in my day, the men were men” and “remember when House music was House music?” He is short of patience and doesn’t want to hear your whining.

Activities: Knowing everything. Remembering everything.
Diva of Choice: Stephanie Mills, Teena Marie, Chaka Khan or Luther Vandross.
Top or Bottom: Like it even matters.

RUPAUL'S DRAG RACE, SEASON 3: EPISODE 2 - QUEENS IN SPACE



Last night’s episode of RuPaul’s Drag Race launched with the queens doing a mini-challenge centered around ESP, or Extra Sensory Perception, where the ladies paired up and one half of them tried to guess what their partner was sporting, wig-, pussycat- or boa-wise. (As you might guess, none of them were too good in this situation.) But the most hilarious thing about that is that the ESP challenge was the least weird thing about the episode: Before long, during the show’s hour, the ladies were donning wacky, futuristic costumes (see: above!) and, while split into two teams with leaders Mariah and Phoenix, made (ridiculously laughable) “movie trailers” for two fictional films, Drag Queens in Outer Space: From Earth to Uranus and its sequel Drag Queens in Outer Space 2: Return to Uranus.
As Ru told the queens when she was checking in during their prep sessions: “I don’t want to see drag queens—I want to see movie stars!” Just look at that picture above: Is there any show on TV that’s more cracked out than RuPaul’s Drag Race? That’s the question I’m posing to you, the show’s loyal viewers, after the second episode of this third season.
I mean, the trailers the queens delivered were insane, as they included such characters as Boobarella and Lady Tata. J’adore! The camp factor was off the chain! But in the best way. Right. Or, right? I personally loved it, despite not really understanding most of what was happening on screen. I know that the trailers were amazing; all of the ladies looked amazing in their futuristic duds on the main stage; and no one deserved to go home. But that didn’t stop Delta Work and Phoenix from having to lip sync for their lives, with Phoenix (despite being a team leader) eventually sashaying away. Guest judge Lily Tomlin proved to be a letdown, as the episode’s editors cut anything she had to say from the screen. Maybe it wasn’t her fault that she appeared so muted.
Do you agree, Drag Race acolytes? Is Drag Race the most cracked out show on television? Did Phoenix deserve to go home? What else are you thinking about season 3 so far?

RUPAUL'S DRAG RACE, SEASON 3: EPISODE 1 - CASTING EXTRAVAGANZA



It was a foregone conclusion that RuPaul would eventually bring back a sashayed, old queen from a past season to be a contestant again on RuPaul’s Drag Race. In the reality competition world, that move is nearly older than RuPaul herself. But the gal that was chosen for this extremely illustrious distinction was completely out of left field: It was none other than last season’s polarizing first-episode cast-off, the delightfully named Shangela! “And it’s Shangela!” said fellow contestant Mariah, in reaction. “Halle-lou!” she added, referencing Shangela’s “famous” sound bite. Halle-lou, indeed!
Truthfully, I was hoping for the glorious return of EW fave Pandora Boxx! But, then I reconsidered: Everyone would have loved that—well, at least I would have—and such a move probably wouldn’t have gotten any tongues wagging. Instead, pick one of the most loved/hated contestants from last season, bring her back, shake it up, and stir! Instant drama. Those sluts producing Drag Race are smart. It was genius, too, when right after Shangela emerged from that huge gift box (see: the ridiculousness above), footage from last season popped on the screen showing the young queen getting booted in last year’s premiere, after she lip-synced atrociously against Sahara Davenport. “I have a feeling,” RuPaul intoned at the time, “we haven’t seen the last of you, yet.” What ominous foreshadowing that none of us could have seen! Did RuPaul know something then that she wasn’t sharing a year ago—or was it just coincidence that she said such a thing? I can’t wait to ask next time I chat with Ru. I’ll keep you all posted, of course.
The rest of the episode was your typical episode of RuPaul’s Drag Race—but super-sized into 90 full minutes of ridculata instead of the usual 60! Here are my quick, recappy thoughts about last night’s premiere:
• Celeb photographer Mike Ruiz is so damn hot. That’s all.
• But so are the all the boy’s in Ru’s pit crew. I love how they seem so simply gleeful to be a part of the show. (See a casting video here! Drool.)
• Loving that there are three plus-size queens this season! That’s a record for Drag Race! If one of them doesn’t win, it will be a travesty.
• What is the deal with Stacy Layne Matthews? I’m sort of confused about what’s going on there in general. I’m putting in an official request now for a full-blown delving-into-Stacy’s-backstory episode. (Hence the quote from Raja: “Stacy looks like a girl outta drag. I was like, ‘Is that somebody’s mama?’”) And yes: Her alleged hometown of Back Swamp, N.C., is a real place. Must go there.
• Mariah = Kim Kardashian? That should be more of a statement than a question, actually.
• Did you know that Raja is a good pal of Adam Lambert’s? Interesting, right? No wonder why ex-American Idol contestant was spotted at the Drag Race premiere party in West Hollywood last week. (And no, he’s not in drag himself, despite his appearance indicating otherwise.) Also: Raja proved herself to be a fierce competitor, considering she won the show’s opening holiday card photo shoot challenge and the main challenge. And: She’s funny! Or nasty, depending on your humor: “To win the very first challenge feels good,” Raja said of the . “Feels like I staked my claim and put my little mark on this competition. I kind of lifted my leg and pissed on it a little bit.”
• Shocker! Shangela still kinda sucks, as evidenced by her having to lip-sync for her life again. And that huge snow(wo)man Frostgela? No. Like, no. But I do, however, appreciate her sense of humor.
• Delta Work. Isn’t that an awesome drag name?
• Mimi Imfurst, why did you sew your outfit? Especially if you don’t know how to sew. Regardless, I still loved her outfit the best—a Virgin Mary. Is she this season’s Pandora Boxx? And, that breakdown? Loves.
• Venus D-Lite has had lots of plastic surgery, in her cheeks and chin. Why doesn’t she look better?
• RuPaul could have served more on the main stage. But maybe she’s just holding back for later in the season. At least I hope so!
• Where is Merle Ginsburg?! Miss you! Mean it! Not that I’m complaining about Michelle Visage, but I mean! I loved Merle!
• I’ve said it before, but I want to die and reincarnate as RuPaul’s Drag Race guest judge Vanessa Williams. Did you see her hooters? “Got some gifts for Santa!” she told Ru, referring to her out-of-control boobs. Gurl was having FUN!
• That the Interior Illusions Lounge still exists. Thank goodness.
• The fact that the winning prize of last night was a $2,000 gift certificate toSequinQueen.com. I die that such a website/enterprise even exists.
• Raja wins! I already said as much, but she deserves another shout-out. Werq!
• Shangela and Venus D-Lite for lip-syncing for their lives. Or, cat-fight for their lives or whatever. Wasn’t that one of the most bizarre things you’d seen in a while?
What’d you think Drag Race fans? Loving Raja? Wondering what’s up with Stacy? Living for Mimi Imfurst like me? Sound off below!

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